Metropolitan Police Announce New Crime Prevention Strategy: Stop Investigating Crime Entirely

Department Confident That Ceasing Crime Investigation Will Reduce Crime Rates

London —

The Metropolitan Police have announced a revolutionary crime prevention strategy: they will cease investigating crimes entirely, with officials expressing confidence that the elimination of investigation will somehow reduce criminal activity through mechanisms they haven’t bothered explaining.

“We’ve determined that investigating crime creates administrative burden,” a police spokesman explained. “If we stop investigating, we eliminate that burden. Crime statistics improve simply because we’re no longer documenting crime.”

The strategy involves responding to crime reports by noting them, then taking no further action. When victims ask about investigation status, police explain: “We’re no longer investigating. You should probably investigate yourself.”

Crime investigation provides multiple functions: apprehending perpetrators, preventing future crimes, providing victim justice, and deterring criminal behavior through enforcement risk. The police have eliminated all these functions through cessation of investigation.

“By not investigating, we’re creating uncertainty for criminals,” one officer suggested. “They won’t know if we’re investigating because we’re not. Maybe that uncertainty will deter them.”

When asked whether criminals might instead commit more crimes when confident investigation won’t occur, officials responded: “That’s possible. But at least we’ll have eliminated administrative work.”

Crime rates have increased dramatically since implementation. Police celebrate this as proof their strategy is working: “More crime is being reported because criminals are confident they won’t be investigated. This demonstrates the strategy’s effectiveness.”

One victim asked whether she could expect any investigation into the burglary that occurred at her home. Police responded: “No. We’re no longer investigating. You might consider private investigation services.”

The police have essentially abandoned their legal mandate to investigate crime in favor of reducing administrative overhead. Crime victims are expected to pursue justice independently.

Law enforcement’s primary function involves investigating crime and enforcing legal consequences. The Metropolitan Police have apparently decided these functions are optional.

One officer admitted: “We’re no longer a police force in any meaningful sense. We respond to calls, document crime, then do nothing. It’s quite efficient.”

When asked whether this constitutes appropriate use of police resources, the department responded: “Efficiency is what matters. Justice is secondary.”

Charlotte Whitmore

Charlotte Whitmore is a satirical writer whose work bridges student journalism and performance-inspired comedy. Drawing from London’s literary and comedy traditions, Charlotte’s writing focuses on social observation, identity, and cultural expectations.

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