Category: Royals

Royals Culture News

William on Royal Anger-Management Plan

Alan Nafzger

Kate Puts William on Royal Anger-Management Plan: Breathe In, Breathe Out, Stop Calling Harry a Constitutional Prat Princess reportedly urges calm as future king discovers guided meditation contains no button marked “Banish Brother,” while Kate quietly attempts to keep Windsor from becoming the world’s best-dressed family argument LONDON — Reports this week claim Catherine, Princess of Wales, has been urging Prince William to remain calm amid the latest Harry and…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Royals

Prince William Feels ‘Outclassed’ by His Brother

Chelsea Bloom

William Reportedly ‘Raging’ Over Harry’s Diana Plans as Sources Claim William Feels ‘Outclassed’ by His Brother Prince of Wales reportedly discovers the terrible disadvantage of possessing the palace, the title, the Duchy, the staff and the future crown when your younger brother possesses a streaming account and something to say The latest royal melodrama began with reporting about competing ways Prince Harry and Prince William might commemorate the 30th anniversary…

Health News Royals

William Told He Can’t Be Crowned King

Hannah Miller

William Told He Can’t Be Crowned King Unless His Blood Pressure Drops Below 180/90 Palace doctors reportedly warn Prince of Wales that monarchy can survive republicanism, scandal and Harry documentaries, but apparently draws the line at a future sovereign whose arteries are angrier than he is Blood Pressure Replaces Bloodline as Britain’s Most Important Royal Measurement LONDON — For centuries, eligibility for the British throne has depended upon birth, statute,…

Entertainment News Royals

Jeff Bezos Moves Closer to Prince Harry

Alan Nafzger

Jeff Bezos Moves Closer to Prince Harry, Palace Horrified Family Drama May Soon Have Free Two-Day Shipping Harry’s possible Diana documentary suddenly acquires the one thing Buckingham Palace cannot defeat with silence: worldwide distribution and a man with rockets LONDON — Buckingham Palace was reportedly studying Britain’s ancient emergency procedures Monday after discovering that Prince Harry’s continuing interest in honoring Princess Diana could theoretically collide with something considerably more dangerous…

Culture Family News Royals Social

Prince William’s Silent Strategy

Tinsel Vandergraph

Prince William Unveils Highly Effective Strategy for Avoiding Royal Drama: Refuse to Speak to Anyone Involved Future king perfects ancient royal technique of remaining completely silent while anonymous sources provide a minute-by-minute description of how furious he is LONDON — Prince William has reportedly discovered the most effective method yet devised for avoiding royal family drama: never speak directly to anyone involved, while allowing Britain’s enormous Royal Source Industrial Complex…

Royals Culture Family

King William to Spend First Days Settling Childhood Argument

Yasmina Khan

Prince William Reportedly Plans to Spend First Days as King Settling Childhood Argument With Prince Harry, Nation Relieved Priorities Are in Order Future monarch reportedly prepared to unite kingdom by keeping brother permanently outside it, proving that royal reconciliation remains available immediately after hell completes its central-heating upgrade LONDON — Britain received reassuring news about the future of the monarchy this week after reports suggested King William may eventually use…

America Entertainment News Royals

Meghan Markle vs. Lauren Sánchez Bezos

Carys Evans

Tabloids Spend Year Telling Meghan Markle to Be Jealous of Lauren Sánchez Bezos, Jeff Bezos Responds by Moving Closer to Prince Harry Royal gossip industry discovers awkward flaw in elaborate female feud after billionaire apparently fails to read the storyline MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — For months, celebrity gossip ran one of its favorite laboratory experiments: take two successful women, park them within roughly 400 miles of each other, add an anonymous…

Culture Royals Social

Harry and Meghan Christmas Plans

Harriet Collins

Harry and Meghan Christmas Plans: Harry Wants Britain, Meghan Wants California, Royal Press Deploys Correspondents to Cover Revolutionary Concept of Marriage Meghan wants California. Harry reportedly wants the family to stay in Britain until spring. Fleet Street responds to ordinary holiday negotiations by activating the Royal Marital Emergency Broadcasting System. LONDON — Britain entered a state of seasonal constitutional uncertainty this week after reports emerged that Prince Harry would like to spend Christmas…

America Current Absurdities International Royals

Harry and Meghan Hold Hands at Falkland Arms Pub

Aishwarya Rao

Harry and Meghan Hold Hands at Falkland Arms Pub as British Press Declares National Intimacy Alert Sussexes Enjoy Quiet Lunch at Great Tew Pub, Accidentally Generate 47 Royal Exclusives Before Dessert GREAT TEW, OXFORDSHIRE | Britain narrowly survived another constitutional emergency Thursday when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were photographed holding hands while going to lunch at the Falkland Arms, forcing newspapers across the kingdom to activate emergency supplies of psychologists, royal insiders, relationship experts and…

Culture Entertainment Family Royals Social

Scientology’s Takeover of William and Kate

Oeko Angebot

Twelve Clues Suggest Scientology Is Circling William and Kate, Thirteenth Clue Simply Reads ‘Seriously, How Many Royal Events Is Tom Cruise At?’ Royal journalist assembles 12 pieces of evidence Scientology has reached the heirs, immediately runs out of red string LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly become concerned about Prince William and Catherine’s increasingly visible association with Tom Cruise, although the actual reporting rests on an anonymous source rather than any public…

Entertainment Family Royals

Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton

Margaret Colley

Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton, Britain Deploys Entire Royal-Analysis Industry “William chose well” enters the national bloodstream, where ordinary compliments are immediately converted into constitutional events LONDON — Britain’s royal-commentary infrastructure was placed on heightened alert after Tom Cruise reportedly looked at Catherine, Princess of Wales, and delivered the dangerously concise verdict: “William chose well, she’s beautiful.” The remark, reported by Grazia, contained five words of matrimonial analysis,…

Culture Family Royals

Buckingham Palace Says Communication Channels With Harry Remain Open

Alan Nafzger

Buckingham Palace Says Communication Channels With Harry Remain Open, Technically Correct Because Phone Still Rings King Charles and Prince William reportedly stop taking Harry’s calls as the monarchy discovers a revolutionary technology known as “Ignore,” while Buckingham Palace activates an ancient royal protocol called “let it ring” and voicemail becomes the hardest-working member of the House of Windsor LONDON — Reports that Prince Harry’s calls are once again not being put through…

Entertainment Family Lifestyle News Royals

Charles Magnussen Offers to Settle the Princess Diana Argument

Alan Nafzger

Charles Magnussen Offers to Settle the Princess Diana Argument for £50 Million, British Public Starts GoFundMe Before Asking Whether Evidence Exists Media Baron Claims Secret Appledore Archive Can Prove King Charles Right, Charles Spencer Right, Everybody Wrong, or Whichever Combination Reaches the Reserve Price LONDON — Charles Augustus Magnussen has offered to end Britain’s apparently immortal argument over Princess Diana by opening what he describes as “the complete Diana archive”…

Royals Culture News Relationships

Charles Allegedly Told Princess Diana He Was ‘Not Actually In Love’

Alan Nafzger

King Charles III Allegedly Told Princess Diana He Was ‘Not Actually In Love’ With Her Before Their 1981 Wedding The Wedding Where Romance Apparently Forgot to RSVP LONDON — New claims surrounding Princess Diana have once again placed King Charles III in the uncomfortable position of discovering that sentences allegedly uttered decades ago can survive longer than most governments, marriages and household appliances. In his new memoir, Swan Song: Diana, My…

Culture International Royals Tourism

Duke and Duchess of Gloucester Replace Harry and Meghan

Alan Nafzger

Harry and Meghan Replaced in Their Own Botswana Love Story by Queen Elizabeth’s Cousin, Palace Insists This Is Definitely Just a Coincidence Buckingham Palace discovers there are few subtler ways to remind the Sussexes they are no longer working royals than sending somebody else to the country where they fell in love LONDON — Buckingham Palace has announced that the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester will make an official visit…

America Culture News Royals

Princess Diana Considered Becoming First Lady

Alan Nafzger

Princess Diana Considered Becoming First Lady, America Nearly Imports British Royalty After Spending 200 Years Bragging It Got Rid of It Diana Reportedly Tempted by White House Life, Mostly for the Opportunity to Make Buckingham Palace Watch Her Become More Popular in Another Country LONDON — The United States apparently came remarkably close to completing the longest return policy in history: overthrowing the British monarchy in 1776 and then, roughly two…

Royals Culture Family News

Prince William, Heir, Left Near Too Many Metaphors

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Calls Harry a ‘Rotten Apple,’ Palace Immediately Launches Inquiry Into Who Keeps Leaving the Heir Near Metaphors William Brands Harry a ‘Rotten Apple,’ Apparently Forgets They Grew on the Same Royal Family Tree LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly launched an emergency review of all metaphors within fifty yards of Prince William after the Prince of Wales was linked through an unnamed source to the description of his…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities News

Diana Would Have Been ‘Happy’ Without Charles

Alan Nafzger

Charles Spencer Says Diana Would Have Been ‘Happy’ Without Marrying Charles, Royal Family Orders Investigation Into This Mysterious Emotion Diana’s brother requires one word to summarize an alternative life involving less palace protocol, fewer photographers and a dramatic reduction in three-person marriages NEW YORK — Charles Spencer has offered perhaps the shortest royal biography ever written. Asked what his sister Princess Diana’s life might have been like had she never married the future King…

Culture News Royals Social

Britain Perfects Conflict Resolution

Alan Nafzger

Britain Perfects Conflict Resolution by Standing at Opposite Ends of the Same Room Charles Spencer Explains Ancient British Technique of Making Eye Contact, Nodding Once and Immediately Becoming Fascinated by a Lamp LONDON — Britain received a badly needed reminder this week that while Americans resolve disagreements through lawsuits, podcasts and six-part documentaries, the British remain capable of settling virtually any interpersonal conflict by not going anywhere near the other person.…

Culture Family Governance Royals Social

William Ends 170-Year Royal Kilt Tradition

Alan Nafzger

William Ends 170-Year Royal Kilt Tradition After Discovering Trousers Have Been Available This Entire Time Palace Investigation Reveals Trouser Technology Has Quietly Existed Since Before Prince William Was Born LONDON: Prince William has reportedly placed a 170-year royal tradition in jeopardy after making a technological discovery that could transform the monarchy forever: trousers exist. The Prince of Wales, who has not been publicly photographed wearing a kilt as an adult, appears determined not to…

Culture Governance Lifestyle Royals Tourism

Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt, Scotland Given 24 Hours to Determine Whether Monarchy Still Operational Nation Confronts Terrifying Possibility That Future King May Have Knees Nobody Sees EDINBURGH: Scotland was reportedly given 24 hours Wednesday to determine whether the British monarchy remains constitutionally operational after Prince William committed the gravest act available to a modern heir who isn’t actually doing anything wrong: he declined to wear a kilt. Britain has survived invasions, abdications, civil…

Royals Culture

Prince William Called Earl Spencer and Harry “Traitors”

Alan Nafzger

Henry VIII has returned to 2026 Britain and has one question for the modern Royal Family: What exactly counts as treason now? Reports citing unnamed royal sources claim Prince William has referred to Prince Harry and Earl Spencer as “traitors” amid fallout from Charles Spencer’s memoir about Princess Diana. Henry VIII, a man with considerable professional experience in the treason department, is unimpressed. In Henry’s world, treason involved armies, sealed…

Culture News Royals Social

Britain’s Newest Economic Theory

Harriet Collins

Prince Harry Discovers Britain’s Newest Economic Theory: Everybody May Make Money Off Diana Except Her Son Royal Commentators Unveil Exciting New Doctrine of Capitalism Without Harry LONDON, ENGLAND. Prince Harry has once again endangered Western civilization by considering the reckless financial activity known as getting paid for work, according to critics responding to reports that he may participate in a documentary about his mother, Princess Diana. The controversy follows reporting that commentators accused…