Category: America

America Sports

FIFA Considers World Cup on Moon

Alan Nafzger

FIFA Considers World Cup on Moon After USA–Canada Success, England Fans Already Worry About Rocket Fuel Costs Tournament Logistics Praised as “Bold” by People Not Attempting to Attend Matches Following early reviews of the 2026 World Cup’s sprawling North American format, FIFA officials have reportedly begun floating the idea that future tournaments could be hosted literally anywhere, including locations previously considered impractical, symbolic, or inhospitable to human life. Sources close…

America Entertainment International

Prophet Muhammad Welcomes Ayatollah Khamenei

Alan Nafzger

Prophet Muhammad Personally Welcomes Ayatollah Khamenei to Hell’s Grand Tour BREAKING: Exclusive Report from the Afterlife Dateline: The Fiery Pits, Eternal Realm — March 8, 2026 In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through both the mortal world and the infernal underworld, sources from beyond the veil confirm that the late Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, along with his daughter, grandson, and other family members, have been personally…

America News

Clintons Agree to Incriminate Themselves

Harper Thames

Clintons to Testify in Epstein Investigation: America’s Political Circus Reaches New Heights Watching American politics from across the pond has never been more entertaining The Financial Times recently reported that Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed to testify before the US Congress as part of the ongoing investigation into Jeffrey Epstein. For those of us in Britain watching from a safe distance, this latest instalment of American political theatre is almost too good…

America International Social

America’s Hide-and-Seek Search Operation

AMW

America’s Hide-and-Seek: A Search Operation, a Donkey, and Absolutely No One in Charge By the World’s Oldest Tenured Professor & A Philosophy Major Turned Dairy Farmer | The London Prat Somewhere above the Iranian plateau, a $100 million American aircraft disassembled itself rather dramatically into the afternoon sky — and what followed was not merely a military operation, but the most expensive and publicly embarrassing game of Where’s Wally ever…

America Business Technology

Zuckerberg Declares Privacy Is Back

Alan Nafzger

Zuckerberg Declares Privacy Is Back at Meta, Then Promptly Counts Your Every Keystroke Five Mildly Catastrophic Observations Nothing announces a privacy revival quite like a billionaire counting your every keypress in real time and graphing the results before pudding. The announcement was made behind a curtain of dashboards, which is how you know it was about transparency. Staff applauded, then asked whether applause speed was being logged. It was. Sustained…

America Current Absurdities International

Strait of Hormuz Temporarily Closed

Harriet Collins

Strait of Hormuz Becomes World’s Priciest “Temporarily Closed — Back in a Bit” Sign Khasab Residents Confirm War Feels Remarkably Like Living Next to a Very Cross, Very Loud Shipping Lane From the sun-scorched cliffs of Oman, where tourists once arrived clutching Lonely Planet guides and a vague interest in dolphins, locals now enjoy a rather different attraction: watching the global economy have an extremely public nervous breakdown. There are…

America International

Britain’s Role in Iran Nuke Heist

Alan Nafzger

Allies Ask Britain’s Role in Iran Nuke Heist; Britain Quietly Checks Train Times Back to Basra LONDON — Senior British defence officials were thrown into a mild but unmistakable panic this week after American allies enquired, with what sources described as “pointed friendliness,” precisely what role the United Kingdom intended to play in any potential ground operation to seize Iran’s underground nuclear stockpile. Whitehall responded with the quiet, focused energy…

America News Sports

Americans Find Eileen Gu Guilty of “Treason”

Alan Nafzger

Treason Debate Lasts Longer Than Winter Olympics Itself Athletes Asked To Declare Treason Status Alongside Drug Testing The Winter Games were expected to feature skiing, skating, and that one sport where a person aggressively sweeps ice like they are late for company. Instead, viewers found themselves watching the longest endurance event ever televised: the Treason Discussion. It is now being considered for inclusion in the 2026 programme, right after the biathlon and…

America International

The Almighty Reckoning

Alan Nafzger

The Almighty Reckoning — Now Available in a Limited-Edition Emotional Panic Pack Donald Trump has been hurling apocalyptic warnings at Iran’s ruling clerics with the frequency and intensity of a man who has personally annotated the Book of Exodus, underlined the good bits, and sent a copy to Tehran marked “READ THIS — VERY STRONGLY WORDED.” After authorising Operation Midnight Hammer last June — which, yes, is a real thing…

America International

Iran Talks “Going Brilliantly”

Alan Nafzger

Trump Declares Iran Talks “Going Brilliantly” While Iran Declares Trump “Going Mad” Somewhere between a Downing Street press briefing and a WhatsApp group that only one member believes is real, President Donald Trump has announced that negotiations with Iran are proceeding “very well,” whilst Iran has announced that negotiations are proceeding “from where, exactly?” This is the diplomatic equivalent of posting a selfie with someone who has blocked you and…

America Culture Current Absurdities International Social

Another Box Of Ballots

Bethan Morgan

Los Angeles Officials Discover Another Box Of Ballots Behind Previously Discovered Box Of Ballots British Correspondents Report From The Colonies, Where Democracy Functions Much Like A British Rail Timetable — Aspirationally LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles election officials spent Saturday reassuring an increasingly bewildered public that nothing unusual is happening as Councillor Nithya Raman continues closing the gap on Spencer Pratt one ballot batch at a time, producing what our American…

America Current Absurdities International

Billionaires Reinvent Missile Defence

Aishwarya Rao

Billionaires Reinvent Missile Defence With Garden Furniture, Elastic Bands, and One Bloke’s Very Confident Roomba Somewhere between a £2.4 million interceptor missile and a £9 sun lounger from a motorway services, ten of the world’s wealthiest industrialists have discovered what they are calling “the sweet spot of defence innovation.” It is, according to a leaked memo written in Comic Sans, “basically B&Q with a security clearance.” This bold reimagining of…

America Business International News

Trump Tells Europe to Find Its Own Oil

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Trump Tells Europe to Find Its Own Oil and Britain Responds by Commissioning a Report In what diplomatic scholars are already calling either “the great uncoupling” or “a brisk Tuesday,” Donald Trump has informed Europe that the era of America doing the hard, loud, explosive bits is over. You wanted independence? Splendid. Now crack on without ringing Dad at half eleven. The line went quiet. Europe reached for the kettle.…

America International

Strait of Hormuz Now Governed by Anxiety

Harper Thames

Strait of Hormuz Now Governed by Anxiety, Vibes, and a Bloke Called Carl Somewhere between the Persian Gulf and an extraordinarily tense WhatsApp group, the Strait of Hormuz has reportedly fallen under the firm governance of three sovereign powers: tension, anxiety, and several blokes in windcheaters squinting at laminated maps like they’ve lost the car in a multi-storey. Eyewitnesses describe the scene as “half military operation, half Bank Holiday traffic jam where…

America Culture News

King Charles III Packed Off to Washington

Junglepussy

Britain Dispatches Its Last Respectable Asset to Washington, Prays He Comes Back In a move described by Downing Street as “diplomacy” and by the rest of Britain as “sending Dad to sort it out,” King Charles III was packed off to Washington this week to repair the Special Relationship — a diplomatic construction so frayed it now resembles something found behind a radiator in a rented flat. A YouGov poll…

America International Tourism

America’s 250th Birthday Party

Chelsea Bloom

Ghost of George III Claims Responsibility for Ruining America’s 250th Birthday Party Spectral Coalition of History’s Most Aggrieved Anti-Americans Identified as Prime Suspects in Freedom 250 Concert Collapse LONDON — The catastrophic unravelling of America’s 250th birthday concert lineup took a significant turn last night when a spectral press release, written in quill ink on vellum and faintly smelling of Windsor Castle, arrived at The London Prat’s offices claiming full responsibility. The statement was…

America International News

Europe Is Building a NATO Backup Plan

Alan Nafzger

Europe Discovers It May Have to Defend Itself, Immediately Schedules a Meeting About the Meeting Europe Is Building a NATO Backup Plan Europe is constructing a backup plan for NATO with all the urgency of a man who has just noticed the house is on fire and decides the correct first step is a strongly worded letter to the fire service. The Wall Street Journal has reported that European officials…

America Current Absurdities International

Every Ceasefire Lasts Exactly Long Enough

Fiona MacLeod

Every Ceasefire Lasts Exactly Long Enough for a Spokesperson to Finish Saying the Word “Ceasefire” FCO Confirms Word Contains Four Syllables; Situation Contains Considerably More LONDON — The Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office, which has been monitoring the Middle East ceasefire with the focused intensity of a man who has been told the boiler might be making a noise but isn’t sure which noise, confirmed this week that the US-Iran…

America Culture News Social

America Brings the Bombers

Carys Evans

USA Brings the Bombers, Britain Brings the Fine Print Or: How to Host a Full-Scale Air War Whilst Maintaining a Perfectly Straight Face Britain is hosting American bombers the way one hosts a boisterous brother-in-law: “Do make yourself at home, just don’t tell the neighbours what you’re doing in the garden.” Sir Keir Starmer has pioneered an entirely new category of warfare: the emotionally noncommittal conflict, now available in both…

America Business International

Energy Markets in Freefall

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Energy Markets in Freefall After Discovering 21-Hour Talks Were Mostly Hot Air and Biscuits Global energy markets took a dramatic nosedive this week after investors made a deeply unwelcome discovery: the 21-hour U.S.-Iran negotiations in Islamabad were, in fact, mostly conversational filler — the diplomatic equivalent of a very long meeting that could have been an email, except the email was also unclear and nobody signed it. Traders in the…

America News Royals

Epstein Files Are Keeping Britain’s Political Class Extremely Busy

Harriet Collins

Epstein Files: Not Just an American Problem 15 Observations From Across the Atlantic, Where We Know a Thing or Two About This Particular Scandal America is holding depositions in a suburban living room whilst Britain is arresting an actual prince. We are, as ever, committed to doing everything bigger and more embarrassingly. Bill Clinton citing a funeral every time a subpoena arrived is either deeply unfortunate scheduling or the most…

America International Political

Global Diplomacy Enters New Era

Alan Nafzger

Global Diplomacy Enters New Era of Agreements That Age Worse Than Milk A Historic Deal, Fresh for Approximately Twelve Minutes GENEVA — In what experts are calling “a bold new chapter in international disappointment,” world leaders this week signed a sweeping diplomatic agreement with Iran that began expiring emotionally before the ink had physically dried. The deal, hailed at 9:00 a.m. as “a cornerstone of peace,” was quietly downgraded by…

America International News

Tehran Introduces Loyalty Scheme

Alan Nafzger

Tehran Introduces Loyalty Scheme: Cross the Strait Ten Times, Get the Eleventh Missile Gratis The Strait of Hormuz — a 21-mile-wide sliver of water through which approximately one-fifth of the world’s seaborne oil ordinarily passes on its way to keeping the lights on across three continents — has spent the better part of 2026 operating with all the reliability of a rural branch line: technically still a transport corridor, theoretically still open,…

America Entertainment Royals

Meghan: Artisanal Financial Devastation

Roper Penberthy

Meghan Markle Invents Exciting New Netflix Genre: “Artisanal Financial Devastation” Streaming Giant Confirms Millions Unaccounted For, Possibly Folded Into Linen Napkins at Montecito Tea Service There are flops. There are spectacular flops. And then there is whatever you call it when a global streaming platform hands a former actress one hundred million dollars and receives, in return, forty-two minutes of someone arranging wildflowers whilst gazing meaningfully at a farmers’ market. The word,…

America International

America’s Warrantless Spying

Alan Nafzger

America Discovers the Only Thing More Dangerous Than Warrantless Spying Is Being Asked to Vote About It Our cousins across the Atlantic have once again treated the world to the great spectacle of American democracy at full throttle: arguing loudly, deciding nothing, and blaming each other for the noise. This time the subject is Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which expires on 20 April 2026, which is either…

America Current Absurdities

NASA Sends Four Astronauts Around the Moon

Chelsea Bloom

NASA Sends Four Astronauts Around the Moon, Nation Agrees It Sounds Considerably More Pleasant Than Staying Here Four astronauts have returned safely from the first crewed lunar mission since 1972, having spent ten days travelling 252,760 miles from Earth — further than any human beings have ever been — photographing the Moon’s far side, observing a solar eclipse from orbit, and experiencing approximately forty minutes of enforced silence behind the…

America International Technology

China Protests U.S. Warning

Alan Nafzger

China Protests U.S. Warning, Says “Kindly Cease Informing People of Things We’ve Already Gazetted” Somewhere between diplomacy and a WhatsApp row where nobody admits they sent the first voice note, tensions erupted this week after China protested a U.S. advisory regarding Hong Kong’s gleaming new “hand over your passwords or face consequences” policy. According to the U.S. Consulate General in Hong Kong, Chinese officials expressed “strong dissatisfaction” after Washington warned…

America International

Game of Hunt the Thimble

Fiona MacLeod

Warplanes, Wi-Fi, and the World’s Most Expensive Game of Hunt the Thimble Five Dispatches From the Front Before Someone Loses Another Forty-Five Tonnes of Democracy American pilots spend millions of dollars learning how not to get lost, yet the aircraft always wander off like husbands in an IKEA — last seen near the meatballs, presumed somewhere in flat-pack purgatory. The Pentagon calls it “search and rescue.” At this point it…