The Merton Apprentice Review: The Craft-Beer Bar in the Historic Apprentice Shop | A characterful family-run craft-beer bar in the historic Apprentice Shop at Merton Abbey Mills on the River Wandle, with William Morris Seaweed signage and a warm welcome
The Garden Shed Review: One of Wimbledon’s Oldest Pubs, on Haydons Road Since 1838 | A historic pub on Haydons Road, formerly the Horse and Groom, there by 1838 and one of Wimbledon’s oldest surviving pubs, from when the area was mostly farmland
Seven Elements Review: The Stylish Cocktail Bar of Wimbledon Village | A stylish, well-rated cocktail bar on the High Street in Wimbledon Village, pairing expertly-crafted cocktails with a chic setting and a warm welcome
London Dating Experts Confirm Friend’s Ex Is Only Available After Three WhatsApp Group Consultations Capital Introduces Strict Social Protocols for Romantic Recycling LONDON. Dating a friend’s ex has officially become London’s most complicated logistical exercise, narrowly beating booking a GP appointment and finding a Zone 1 flat under £3,000 a month. The debate has resurfaced after people shared wildly different experiences of dating a friend’s former partner, proving that romance…
House of Lords Announces It Has Finally Run Out of Empty Chairs The House of Lords, that ancient and mysterious British institution where retired politicians go to be paid £390 a day to occasionally nod, has announced a staffing crisis of historic proportions: it has run out of chairs. The solution, naturally, was to add twenty-six more people to sit in it, including Sir Sadiq Khan, who somehow remains Mayor…
Government Announces New Economic Strategy: Rename Every Problem “Growth” Until Investors Relax Treasury Unveils Bold New Vocabulary Instead of Bold New Policy In what insiders are calling the most significant rebrand since Marathon became Snickers, the Treasury has confirmed that, going forward, every economic indicator — good, bad, or catastrophically flat — will simply be referred to as “growth,” in the hope that investors, much like toddlers, can be soothed…
London Reaches 29°C, Entire City Applies for Emergency Mediterranean Status Councils Scramble to Rebrand Roundabouts as “Piazzas” As temperatures in the capital nudged a blistering 29°C — roughly the internal temperature of a packed Central Line carriage on any ordinary February morning — Londoners have responded with the only reasonable course of action available to a nation with four working air conditioners: total societal collapse, followed immediately by ice cream.…
Camden Market Confirms Same T-Shirt Sold At Least 400 Times Daily | Vendors say design variety has plateaued somewhere around the year 2004
Kricket Review: A 4.7, and It Started in a Shipping Container | Eleven hundred people, and the cheapest possible room is where almost everything good in London begins
Young Prince Review: A 3.9 From a Hundred and Twenty-Six, and the Dead Zone Is Real | Enough reviews that people believe the score, and too few to absorb four bad nights
Glove That Fits Review: The Line Is From a Murder Trial and It Was a Trap | If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit – and leather shrinks, and the defence knew exactly what it was doing
Tate Britain Confirmed Introvert Of The Two-Gallery Tate Family | Riverside collection draws steadier, quieter crowds than its Bankside sibling
Old Naval College Painted Hall Confirmed Britain’s Sistine Chapel, With Ships | Thornhill’s 19-year ceiling project gets 90-second visitor attention span
Questors Theatre Ealing: Amateur Name, Ambitious Practice | Britain’s largest community theatre proves volunteer structure needn’t mean diminished comic ambition
King Charles Dreams of Family Reunion Lasting Longer Than the News Cycle Palace Unveils New Five-Year Plan as Engineers Attempt to Build a Sentence Containing the Words “Harry,” “Meghan,” and “Lunch” Without Triggering a National Incident LONDON — Britain, a nation that once ran the largest empire the world has ever seen, now devotes the bulk of its strategic energy to getting four specific adults to sit at the same…
Bluster Beats Brilliance: Study Confirms Britain’s Best Worker Still Loses to the Bloke Who Calls Himself “Basically Alan Sugar” LONDON — The modern job interview, researchers now confirm, has evolved into Britain’s most expensive talent show, where confidence is worth considerably more than competence and saying “I’m a team player, me” somehow counts as evidence. The Science of Sounding Sure of Yourself According to a recent psychology study on social…
Always Be Comedy Kennington: The Worst-Kept Miracle | A hundred seats above a gastropub, arena names unannounced, and a congregation that keeps the faith weekly
Emirates Stadium Confirms Holloway Road Becomes One Organism On Matchdays | Local streets transform into unified red mass whenever Arsenal play at home
Democratic Socialists: Mining Other People’s Motivation BERKELEY, California. Democratic socialists unveiled a sweeping economic vision this week, built on a single revolutionary insight. The most abundant natural resource in America is not oil, gas, farmland, sunshine, or innovation. It’s other people’s motivation. According to movement leaders, society can be transformed simply by assuming that millions of strangers will keep working extremely hard after every traditional reason for working hard has…
Wazzock Meaning: British Slang Explained | Yorkshire’s finest export in the field of mild abuse
Knobbly Crab Declines Peerage: “I Already Have a Shell, Thank You” Palace Confirms Offer Was Genuine; Crab Confirms Shell Is Sufficient; Honours Committee Confirms It Has Never Written This Sentence Before WHITSTABLE, KENT — The knobbly crab, Britain’s most trusted political figure and the only elected official in the country whose approval rating rises every time it declines to speak, has formally rejected an offer of a life peerage from His Majesty’s…
Taylor Swift MSG Wedding: Britain Watches America Lose Its Mind By The London Prat Staff LONDON – Britain, a nation that once staged the wedding of a future king at Westminster Abbey with the entire Commonwealth watching and still managed to keep proceedings below catastrophic without dynamic pricing, has spent the past fortnight observing the American approach to matrimony with the calm, anthropological detachment of a David Attenborough documentary about exotic…
London Visitors Shocked To Learn Football Shirts Cost More Than The Football LONDON Tourists arrive in London expecting many surprises. Unusual weather. Crowded trains. Historic buildings. At least one local who insists their neighbourhood was better twenty years ago. What they do not expect is discovering that a football shirt can feel more expensive than the football itself. The sport requires one ball. The shirt, apparently, requires a second mortgage and…
London Streets Reportedly Designed by Someone Who Hated Maps | Visitors warned that two roads named identically will lead to opposite ends of the city
London to Europe Now Faster Than Crossing London Itself | Commuters reach Paris before the Northern line reaches Morden
Tony Blair Announces Leadership Doesn’t Matter, Promptly Becomes Main Character Of Leadership Debate Former Prime Minister Explains Personality Is Irrelevant Using His Own Personality As Evidence LONDON — Britain entered its traditional summer season of political panic this week after former Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that Labour’s problems were not really about leadership, personality, or communication. The nation responded by spending several days arguing exclusively about leadership, personality, and…
Roxanne Review: The Last Shoreditch Article, and Fifteen Reviews | A hundred and eighteen articles in this district, and it ends where almost every venue in London starts – with nobody
Battersea Power Station Confirms Forty Years Of Plans Beat By One Mall | Iconic chimneys finally reopen after decades of stalled redevelopment schemes
Nordic Review: Akvavit Means the Water of Life and So Does Whisky | Every distilling culture in Europe independently arrived at the same name, and they all meant it medicinally
Boat Show Comedy Club Review: Stand-Up On The Thames | Aboard the Tattershall Castle, where the room sways, the skyline opens, and hecklers arrive by riverboat
