Burnham Orders Another Review of Childhood

Burnham Government Discovers Radical Way to Help Young People: Another Review of Childhood

Whitehall Appoints Adults to Investigate Why Children Are Unhappy, Promises Answers Before They Retire

WESTMINSTER, London (The London Prat) – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has proposed a root-and-branch review of childhood after discovering that many young British people are struggling to find work, develop skills and become financially independent, a development first noticed by young British people roughly a decade ago. The Government believes the solution may involve examining everything that happens to a person between birth and the moment they become eligible for a parliamentary pension. Officials have welcomed the initiative, particularly those whose previous reviews of young people are still awaiting publication, including one from 2014 that is now old enough to qualify for a youth railcard.

One Million Young People, Several Million Recommendations

Government concern follows evidence that roughly one million young people are outside employment, education or training, a figure ministers describe as “worrying” and Whitehall describes as “a stakeholder base.” Ministers are considering support for mental health, school readiness and employment, alongside tougher benefit rules for those unwilling to participate. Whitehall’s preferred approach, however, remains assembling a distinguished panel of people who haven’t applied for an entry-level job since Tony Blair had dark hair. “We must understand the entire childhood experience,” explained departmental adviser Sir Giles Clipboard, 71. “Beginning with conception, moving through nursery and eventually examining why a 24-year-old cannot afford a bedsit.” Asked whether expensive housing might explain part of the difficulty, Sir Giles requested that the question be submitted to the Housing Review. That review is currently examining whether houses should contain rooms. An interim finding recommends “some rooms, eventually, possibly in the North.”

The Panel Meets Its First Young Person

The review’s opening session at a Westminster conference centre was briefly disrupted when a 22-year-old named Kieran wandered in looking for the toilets. Panel members reacted with visible excitement. Two took photographs. One asked whether he was “representative.” Sir Giles enquired, very slowly and loudly, whether Kieran had ever considered an apprenticeship “in something with a future, such as coal.” Kieran explained that he held a degree in environmental science, worked two zero-hours jobs and rented a converted airing cupboard in Lewisham for £950 a month. The panel thanked him for his “lived experience” and asked whether he could submit it as a 4,000-word written statement by Friday, unpaid. He appears in the report’s acknowledgements as “a young man, Lewisham area.”

Childhood Now Requires a Government Strategy

The proposed investigation will examine educational attainment, family circumstances, employment prospects and the possibility that modern childhood has become unnecessarily complicated. A preliminary working group has identified several troubling developments. Children have less outdoor independence, parents are exhausted, teachers are overwhelmed and teenagers increasingly believe that adulthood consists of paying subscriptions to things they never wanted. The working group’s own subscription to a policy-journal database was later found to have auto-renewed four times since 2019. Nobody could remember the password. One parent in Birmingham explained that her son had completed a degree, accumulated debt and applied for 86 jobs. “He has qualifications, enthusiasm and absolutely nowhere to live,” she said. “The Government has offered to study his childhood. Apparently, that’s cheaper than employing him.” Her son has since been invited to join the review’s focus group. It meets at 2pm on Tuesdays, which he cannot attend because he has a job interview. It is his 87th.

A Radical Future Is Being Considered

Ministers hope additional early intervention will eventually reduce welfare spending, although the Prime Minister has acknowledged that savings may take time. Treasury officials were reportedly reassured by the possibility of spending money now to save money at some unspecified point after the next three elections, which is the Treasury’s favourite kind of point. A new departmental diagram illustrates the proposed journey from childhood to independence. It begins with an infant, passes through school and university, enters the benefits system, circles three training programmes and concludes with a young adult returning to live with his parents. The diagram is labelled Progress. An earlier draft, labelled Circle, was rejected by the communications team as “too honest for a Tuesday.” Sir Giles insists Britain must resist simplistic solutions such as making employment worthwhile, reducing housing costs or teaching useful skills. “Those are outcomes,” he explained. “We are concentrating on processes. Outcomes are notoriously difficult to schedule.”

Children to Be Consulted, Eventually

The first report will consider whether children should be consulted. A second report will consider how. A third will consider whether the children consulted in the second report are still technically children. Unfortunately, by the time consultation begins, most will be old enough to chair it. Several may be old enough to commission a review of it. Sir Giles remains optimistic. “Every generation thinks it has it hard,” he said, adjusting a cardigan bought in 1986 with a mortgage worth three times a single salary. “Mine certainly did. We had to walk to the estate agent.” The London Prat’s conclusion: Britain may eventually solve the youth crisis, provided no young people interrupt the adults discussing it. Disclaimer: This is satire, gently stirred. The review, the one million figure and Prime Minister Andy Burnham are real; Sir Giles Clipboard, Kieran in his airing cupboard and the diagram labelled Progress are not, though all three will feel familiar to anyone under 30. For more Westminster nonsense handled with tongs, try our political satire, or read our guide on how to tell satire from real news, which in this case mostly involves checking whether anyone got a house.