Former Duchess Denies Memoir as Experts Ask What She’s Returning To
LONDON, England — Sarah Ferguson is once again being discussed as a candidate for a spectacular public comeback, which raises a question that has troubled Britain for decades. Come back to what?
Fergie isn’t a working royal. She no longer holds her former title. Her marriage ended in 1996. And yet the idea of her returning to public life is discussed with the solemn urgency normally saved for a missing nuclear submarine.
The latest excitement followed her appearance at a London memorial service for former partner Paddy McNally. Royal commentator Phil Dampier told HELLO! that he expects Ferguson to attempt a comeback at some point. “She’s denied that she’s writing a book,” he said, “but I have no doubt she will attempt some sort of comeback.” He called her “the comeback queen.”
That leaves Britain facing another Ferguson comeback without knowing which product is being relaunched.
Why the Comeback Industry Has Run Out of Things for Fergie to Come Back From
Normal celebrities have careers. Actors act. Singers sing. Comedians tell jokes. Politicians spend other people’s money while looking deeply concerned about the deficit.
Fergie has developed a more sophisticated profession. She returns.
From what? Nobody knows.
To what? Nobody has established.
For how long? Until the next crisis.
The former Duchess has become a human software update. Every few years, the public is told a new, improved Sarah Ferguson is available. The download promises better judgement, stronger boundaries and enhanced personal branding. Unfortunately, the installation never seems to include the security patch.
A senior communications consultant who has advised three households with royal connections, and who asked not to be named because two of them still pay his invoices, said the industry has a term for the pattern. “We call it a soft relaunch,” he said. “The soft part is the judgement. The relaunch part is Tuesday.”
A typical meeting of the entirely unofficial Ferguson Publicity Department might go like this.
“We need a fresh direction.”
“What happened to the previous direction?”
“Terrible headlines.”
“And the direction before that?”
“Different terrible headlines.”
“Perhaps we should try a new approach.”
“Excellent. What?”
“Tell everyone she’s making a comeback.”
“Didn’t we do that already?”
“Yes, but the public has changed televisions.”
The Sarah Ferguson Memoir That Isn’t Being Written Is Already a Westminster Bestseller
One obvious comeback vehicle would be a book. Except a spokesperson for Ferguson has said there have been “no discussions” of a book deal and that “she is not writing a personal memoir.” Reports that she was “days away” from a seven-figure contract were rejected within hours.
This is a financial tragedy for the British publishing industry. A royal tell-all could contain enough awkward family conversations to keep booksellers solvent through Christmas. Instead, the public has to keep extracting royal gossip from newspaper columns, anonymous sources and people who once stood behind a palace footman at Tesco.
The proposed titles practically write themselves.
How to Leave the Royal Family Without Ever Actually Leaving.
Thirty Years Divorced, Still Getting Invitations.
The Palace Said Goodbye, but I Couldn’t Hear It Over the Cameras.
And perhaps the commercial masterpiece: My Life Outside the Monarchy, Foreword by the Monarchy.
Ferguson has written before. My Story arrived in 1996 and Finding Sarah followed in 2011, which by royal standards makes her a disciplined author. Most members of the family have managed to publish a single book of memories and then spend the rest of their lives denying chapter nine.
Fergie’s Real Talent: Staying Relevant to People Who Have Moved On
Britain has a population of millions, most of whom have led perfectly respectable lives without a royal title, a palace or a communications consultant.
Sarah Ferguson represents an alternative economic system. In that system, losing status creates publicity, publicity creates commercial possibilities, and commercial possibilities create another opportunity to discuss losing status. It’s the perpetual-motion machine of celebrity. If physicists could harness the energy spent explaining the Ferguson situation, Britain might solve its electricity crisis.
The Hendon Institute for Public Attitudes asked 1,843 adults how many Ferguson comebacks they could name. The average answer was four. The most common answer was “the same one, repeatedly.” Nine per cent of respondents said they were not aware she had left, and a further six per cent said they had assumed she was on the board of Waitrose.
The problem with another public comeback isn’t whether Sarah can persuade a camera crew to photograph her. That part appears remarkably straightforward. The problem is persuading ordinary Britons that a woman who’s been in the newspapers since the 1980s needs a formal reintroduction.
At this point, Sarah Ferguson doesn’t need a comeback. She needs a loyalty card. Ten reinventions and the eleventh is free.
Five Humorous Observations
- She’s been “making a comeback” since the eighties. At what point is it just a commute?
- Every few years there’s a brand new Sarah Ferguson. Same box, same instructions, and somehow the batteries are never included.
- Her people say there’s no book. Of course there’s no book. If you wrote down thirty years of royal dinners, the publisher would need a lawyer, a priest and a bigger shelf.
- Normal people come back from holiday. Fergie comes back from a whole news cycle, with a tan and a new strategy that looks suspiciously like the old strategy.
- The palace says move on. She says, sure, I’ll move on. Then she moves on right back to the front page, like a boomerang with a publicist.
Disclaimer: This article plans to make a comeback next week, and the week after that. If you are wondering who writes this stuff, see what does prat mean, then decide whether to stay away.
