Royal Blood Apparently Offers No Immunity From the Ancient Terror of Hearing “Your Uncle Has Written Something”
LONDON | Civilization has changed enormously since the Middle Ages, but humanity remains united by one primal fear: learning that a relative has finished a memoir.
Charles Spencer says Prince Harry’s essential question upon learning about Swan Song: Diana, My Sister concerned whether anything in it would embarrass him. As InStyle reported, Spencer said he assured his nephew that Harry’s privacy had not been violated.
Why Harry’s Reaction to the Swan Song Memoir Is Every Family’s Reaction
Forget castles. Forget titles. Forget hereditary privilege. At that moment Harry was every man whose mother has just said, “Your aunt is writing down her memories.”
Your blood freezes.
Which memories? There are good memories. There are bad memories. And then there are the memories relatives tell at weddings after two glasses of Chardonnay.
Family history is dangerous because everyone remembers a different version. You remember borrowing the car. Your father remembers theft. You remember a lively holiday discussion. Your sister remembers “the incident in Majorca.” Your uncle remembers everything, because apparently he was taking notes.
In my own family the equivalent document is my Aunt Fenella’s Christmas card list, which has been known to end friendships. Nobody has ever asked to see the draft.
This is why memoirs should carry warning labels.
CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN CHRISTMAS 1997.
Charles Spencer Kept Harry and William Out of the Book, Which Creates a Royal Problem of Its Own
Spencer reportedly kept the manuscript closely held and said his nephews did not contribute to it. That was partly to avoid suggestions that Harry, in particular, had somehow participated in or influenced the book.
This is another uniquely royal problem. If your uncle writes a book, nobody assumes you secretly controlled the manuscript. If Harry’s uncle writes a book, somewhere a commentator begins drawing arrows on a whiteboard.
HARRY
↓
UNCLE
↓
BOOK
↓
DIANA
↓
NETFLIX?
↓
MEGHAN???
Within seventeen minutes somebody has created a constitutional flowchart.
“Am I in Trouble?” The Three Possible Answers Every Relative Gives
Harry’s question cuts through all of that. “Am I in trouble?”
Essentially, yes. That is the universal question, and there are three possible answers.
“No.” That means you are safe.
“Not really.” You are doomed.
“Depends how you look at it.” Call a solicitor.
Imagine Harry waiting for the response.
Spencer: “No, nothing embarrassing.”
Harry: “Nothing?”
Spencer: “Nothing.”
Harry: “Excellent.”
That is probably the most successful royal negotiation of the decade. No summit. No palace aides. No carefully worded communiqué saying discussions were constructive. Just two relatives successfully establishing whether one of them has been humiliated in hardcover. Diplomats should study this.
How to Read a Family Memoir: Search Your Own Name First
Family books operate according to different rules from normal literature. A normal book has characters, themes and narrative development. A family memoir has page numbers so relatives can find the accusations faster.
Nobody receives a copy and begins at Chapter One. You search your own name. Then your spouse. Then your parents. Then the person everyone says has “been through a lot.” Only after confirming there is nothing catastrophic about you do you become interested in the author’s prose style.
This is why Kindle search may be the greatest technological contribution to family peace since separate bedrooms.
The Diana Publishing Industry and the Palace Dispute Over Spencer’s Account
Royal memoirs make this problem industrial. Britain has spent nearly thirty years examining Diana’s life, death, marriage, sons, relatives, friends, staff, dresses, letters, interviews and relationships. At some point you would think the archive had been exhausted.
Apparently not. The Diana publishing industry operates like North Sea oil exploration. Every few years someone announces another deposit. A conversation. A recollection. A note. A friend of somebody who remembers the mood at breakfast. And because Diana remains a figure of enormous public fascination, each recollection arrives carrying historical weight and tabloid dynamite.
The current memoir has already produced a public dispute between Spencer and Buckingham Palace over Spencer’s account of conversations involving the then-Prince Charles after Diana died. The Palace has contested Spencer’s recollections, and Spencer has vigorously defended them.
Against that background, Harry’s simple question sounds almost refreshing. He was not asking who wins the historical argument. He apparently wanted to know whether Uncle Charles had included anything about him that would cause a problem.
That is not princely. That is human. Every family on Earth understands it.
Somewhere tonight a plumber in Birmingham, a dentist in Leeds and a duke in London are united by the same thought: “If my relatives ever write a book, I hope Chapter Seven stays buried.”
Humorous Observations on Uncles, Memoirs and Thanksgiving With Footnotes
- Every family has an uncle who writes down grievances. Aristocratic families give him a title, an estate and an international publishing contract.
- A royal memoir is just Thanksgiving dinner with footnotes.
- Harry did not ask whether the book was explosive, controversial or historically significant. He asked the question every sensible person asks when a relative publishes: “What did you say about me?”
Satire disclaimer: This article is satire built around reported public statements about Charles Spencer’s Swan Song: Diana, My Sister and Prince Harry’s reported question. The constitutional flowchart, the answers menu and every family anecdote are comic devices.
Oeko Angebot ([email protected])
