Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving, Replaces Turkey With State-Distributed Tofu
Francesca Hong Seeks to Govern Wisconsin Despite Reportedly Being Frightened by Wisconsin
MADISON, Wisconsin — Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong is facing criticism after a deleted 2020 social-media post resurfaced in which she called for Thanksgiving to be cancelled, described the holiday as a celebration of colonialism, and connected it to historical harm against Indigenous people. Other resurfaced remarks reportedly included anxiety about being surrounded by “old white people” inside a Culver’s, an establishment previously believed to specialise in hamburgers rather than ethnic intimidation. (Fox News)
Hong’s campaign has not announced whether Thanksgiving will be replaced by a more equitable holiday, although political observers believe the frontrunner is considering “Acknowledgment Thursday,” a solemn annual observance during which residents apologise to their mashed potatoes before receiving a government tofu allocation.
The Government Tofu Distribution Plan
Under the preliminary meal-transition programme, every Wisconsin household would receive one rectangular block of state-certified soybean matter bearing the official slogan: “It Is Not Turkey, but Everyone Got the Same Amount.”
The tofu would be distributed through public grocery stores established under legislation co-sponsored by Hong. The actual proposal would create a statewide public food-distribution network and public grocery stores required to accept federal nutrition benefits.
Supporters say this would introduce competition and improve food access. Critics fear the government stores would operate like the Department of Motor Vehicles, except customers would be holding melting ice cream while waiting for Window Seven to reopen.
At the proposed Wisconsin People’s Grocery Cooperative, shoppers would no longer confront exploitative choices between twelve brands of cranberry sauce. Instead, they would receive one democratically selected cranberry substance after attending a public hearing.
“We listened to consumers,” explained a satirical assistant deputy undersecretary for berry distribution. “They told us grocery shopping was confusing. We have solved that by eliminating groceries.”
Thanksgiving Reclassified as an Unlicensed Historical Reenactment
State cultural regulators are expected to redefine Thanksgiving as “the unauthorised domestic commemoration of a problematic agricultural encounter.”
Any household attempting to roast a turkey would first need to prepare a Colonial Culinary Impact Assessment explaining the bird’s origin, carbon footprint, preferred pronouns, and relationship to seventeenth-century land policy.
Turkeys weighing more than eighteen pounds would be classified as corporate poultry.
Stuffing would be permitted only when called “bread experiencing a different spatial arrangement.”
Gravy Equity Enforcement
Gravy could remain legal, provided it was poured equally. Families allowing one uncle to cover his entire plate while leaving others with dry potatoes could be investigated by the Wisconsin Department of Sauce Equity.
The department’s proposed enforcement division would employ 4,700 gravy auditors, making it the first government programme in history to create more jobs than Thanksgiving dinner creates dishes.
“The traditional meal encourages unequal consumption,” announced Professor Willow Mossbasket, a satirical scholar at the Madison Institute for Applied Resentment. “Some people receive drumsticks. Others receive wings. This is how poultry becomes hierarchy.”
Mossbasket recommended slicing all food into identical grey cubes.
“When nobody can identify what they are eating,” she said, “nobody can claim cultural ownership of it.”
Wisconsin Candidate Encounters Wisconsin Residents
Hong also came under scrutiny for an old post describing discomfort around older white customers at a Culver’s restaurant. (Breitbart)
For candidates seeking statewide office, entering a Wisconsin Culver’s is considered an unavoidable campaign ritual, somewhere between filing nomination papers and being photographed pretending to understand dairy farming.
Wisconsin political analysts define Culver’s as a bipartisan community centre where residents gather to consume butter burgers, discuss road construction, and ask strangers whether the Brewers still need pitching.
Avoiding older white people inside one is difficult. It is rather like avoiding water at a lake.
“I went into Culver’s once and saw three retired men drinking coffee,” said satirical eyewitness Dale Bratwurst, 69, of Fond du Lac. “One asked me whether I thought it might rain. I escaped before the conversation became ideological.”
Another customer, satirical eyewitness Marjorie Kielbasa, said she did not realise her presence might cause political alarm.
“I thought I was eating frozen custard,” she explained. “Apparently, I was participating in structural butterscotch.”
Hong’s predicament illustrates the central challenge of Wisconsin politics: Candidates must appeal simultaneously to Madison progressives, Milwaukee voters, rural families, union households, suburban independents, and men who consider blaze orange appropriate wedding attire.
A candidate frightened by conventional Wisconsin demographics may struggle during the general election, particularly when campaigning outside neighbourhoods where kombucha is considered a utility.
Gratitude Becomes Taxable Income
The Hong administration’s Department of Revenue would reportedly classify gratitude as a non-cash emotional benefit.
Residents expressing more than $600 worth of annual thankfulness would receive Form 1099-THX.
A family saying, “We are grateful for our health, home and one another,” could owe approximately $47 in appreciation taxes, plus a five-dollar processing fee for sounding suspiciously content.
Low-income households would receive refundable gratitude credits. Wealthier families would be required to redistribute excess blessings to neighbours through the Wisconsin Emotional Revenue Service.
The phrase “count your blessings” would therefore become accounting advice.
Certified gratitude preparers would help residents determine whether affection for grandchildren qualifies as a dependent emotional deduction. Feelings about pets would be assessed separately because Wisconsin tax law classifies dogs as household companions but cats as independent contractors.
Cranberry sauce would remain free at the point of service. However, residents would pay for it through a progressive berry levy, municipal jelly bonds, and an emergency surcharge created after the state discovered cranberries must be harvested.
Election Day Escapes Cancellation
Although Hong’s old post characterised Thanksgiving as colonialism, her campaign is still expected to celebrate Election Day should she win the August 11 Democratic primary.
Hong entered August leading the Democratic field. A late-July Marquette Law School poll placed her at 38 percent, more than twenty points ahead of her nearest opponent at the time. (PJ Media)
Former Lieutenant Governor Mandela Barnes subsequently withdrew, saying it had become clear who the nominee was likely to be. His departure made him the third Democrat to leave the unsettled contest.
Political philosophers have long recognised the distinction between Thanksgiving and Election Day.
Thanksgiving commemorates a shared meal followed by centuries of argument.
Election Day commemorates centuries of argument followed by a shared meal for campaign donors.
“Democracy is not colonialism,” explained local satirical philosopher Alan Nafzger. “In colonialism, a distant elite governs people without understanding their lives. In democracy, the distant elite first buys television commercials.”
Supporters insist Hong represents working-class voters frustrated by rising costs, inadequate services, and conventional Democratic politicians. Her campaign advocates free school meals, universal childcare, expanded public investment, and higher taxes on wealthy residents.
Those policies may attract voters who believe government should play a larger role in family economics.
They may trouble voters who have watched government attempt to repair a pothole.
Public Supermarkets Prepare for the Holiday Rush
The proposed public grocery network would operate under the Wisconsin Bureau of Democratic Produce.
Each store would feature four departments: Available, Unavailable, Under Review, and Seasonal Equity.
Customers entering the meat section would encounter a counsellor who asks why they believe they deserve meat.
The bakery would sell collectivised bread in which every loaf receives the same number of raisins, including rye.
The dairy aisle presents a special challenge because Wisconsin residents treat cheese not as food but as a constitutional right. Any socialist administration hoping to redistribute cheddar must first overcome a population capable of identifying seventeen varieties of curd while driving past them at sixty miles per hour.
Hong has separately promoted a public bank intended to provide capital to family farms, butchers, and bakeries while increasing competition and reducing grocery costs. She has connected the proposal to rising tailgating expenses, an issue described as “Tailgate-flation.”
This shows political flexibility. A candidate may question Thanksgiving, but no Wisconsin politician dares cancel tailgating.
Thanksgiving occurs once a year.
The Packers have home games.
Turkey Resistance Forms Underground
Wisconsin turkeys have reportedly divided over the cancellation.
Progressive turkeys welcomed the end of what they called “an annual campaign of oven-based oppression.”
Conservative turkeys accused them of supporting tofu interests.
Moderate turkeys urged both sides to lower the temperature, an unfortunate phrase that immediately alarmed the Department of Agriculture.
One turkey, identified only as Gobbles, announced his candidacy for lieutenant governor.
“I understand Wisconsin families,” he said. “I have spent my entire life surrounded by corn and people discussing supper.”
His campaign platform includes property-tax relief, stronger rural broadband, and a constitutional amendment prohibiting the phrase “plant-based turkey.”
Polling conducted by the highly unreliable Bohiney Institute of Holiday Studies found that 81 percent of Wisconsin residents support Thanksgiving, 14 percent oppose it, and 5 percent are still attempting to remove cranberry sauce from the shape of the can.
The poll carries a margin of error of plus or minus one casserole.
A Practical Guide for Wisconsin Families
Families concerned about the possible cancellation should remain calm. Continue purchasing turkey, potatoes, and emergency butter.
Hide the bird behind several bags of kale. No state inspector has voluntarily searched there.
When questioned about gravy, describe it as a locally sourced fluid-equity initiative.
Refer to the dining room as a community food-access hub.
Call Grandma a senior oral historian.
Call Uncle Larry a warning about excessive political podcast consumption.
Most importantly, preserve the tradition of inviting relatives with incompatible opinions. American democracy depends upon learning that people can disagree intensely and still pass the rolls without forming a tribunal.
Thanksgiving is imperfect because families are imperfect. History is complicated because humans have rarely managed to cross a field without stealing something, misunderstanding someone, or establishing a committee.
The answer may be to learn more history, acknowledge suffering, and treat neighbours with dignity.
Or we could replace the turkey with tofu, nationalise the supermarket, and tax Grandma every time she says she is grateful.
There are apparently only two choices.
That is how politics works now.
Fifteen Humorous Observations
- Thanksgiving Has Finally Been Defeated. America survived war, depression, inflation, disco, and canned cranberry sauce, but Thanksgiving apparently could not survive a six-year-old social-media post from Madison.
- Wisconsin Without Thanksgiving Is Just February With Football. Removing turkey from Wisconsin leaves residents with cheese, beer, and the Packers, otherwise known as the state constitution.
- The Government Tofu Will Arrive After Christmas. State-distributed tofu sounds efficient until residents learn they must complete Form T-1621, provide proof of gravy inequality, and wait six to eight harvest seasons.
- Colonialism Is Apparently Contagious Through Pie. Under the new theory, eating pumpkin pie makes you responsible for everything that occurred between Plymouth Rock and the invention of outlet malls.
- Election Day Remains Sacred. Thanksgiving may glorify historical conquest, but Election Day remains acceptable because politicians prefer modern conquest with yard signs.
- Culver’s Has Become Wisconsin’s Most Dangerous Political Institution. A restaurant serving butter burgers and frozen custard is now treated as a demographic ambush in which elderly diners may suddenly ask whether you want extra napkins.
- Public Grocery Stores Will Eliminate Corporate Greed. Government supermarkets will protect shoppers from profiteering by ensuring no one can find an employee authorised to approve the sale of an onion.
- Gratitude Will Be Means-Tested. Families earning above the state threshold may express thanks only after paying the Supplemental Emotional Appreciation Tax.
- Tofu Is the Perfect Government Turkey. It looks official, tastes procedural, and remains on the table long after everyone has lost interest.
- The Turkey Will Receive Reparations. Every bird pardoned by the governor will receive twelve acres, subsidised counselling, and a position on the Wisconsin Poultry Justice Commission.
- Grandma Must Now Submit an Impact Statement. Before telling the family how things were better in 1957, Grandma must disclose whether her anecdote contains unauthorised nostalgia.
- The Kids’ Table Will Become a Collective. Children will seize the dinner rolls, abolish bedtime, and discover that revolutionary leadership mostly involves deciding who cleans up.
- Government Cranberry Sauce Will Be Free. It will also be unavailable, back-ordered, and stored at a distribution centre forty-seven miles from the nearest road.
- Wisconsin Socialism Must Still Accommodate Tailgating. No ideology has ever survived direct contact with a Green Bay parking lot, bratwurst smoke, and a man named Chuck wearing antlers.
- Thanksgiving Was Never About Unity. It was about relatives with incompatible politics sitting together because the pies were being guarded in the kitchen.
Disclaimer
This is satire. Public-policy descriptions, polling numbers, and reported social-media controversies are grounded in cited reporting and official materials. Comedic witnesses, agencies, surveys, quotations, tofu regulations, and gravy-enforcement procedures are satirical inventions.
House disclaimer, also part of the joke: This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to competent government is coincidental.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
