Tag: Iran war

Business Political

Nervous Billionaires Explain the Global Energy Panic

AMW

Oil Tankers, Economists, and One Extremely Nervous Billionaire Explain the Global Energy Panic Five Observations From the Early Stages of the Asia Energy Crisis Energy experts say the first phase of any global crisis is denial, but Asia has decided to skip straight to “running around waving spreadsheets.” Oil tankers outside the Strait of Hormuz are now so numerous that satellites briefly misidentified them as a new artificial island chain — and…

America International News

Khamenei Assigned to “Eternal Irony Department”

Carys Evans

Hell Confirms New Resident Khamenei Assigned to “Eternal Irony Department” Dateline: Infernal Civil Service Headquarters, Lower Circle — Eternal Realm Hell’s Department of Eternal Administration confirmed late Tuesday that its newest high-profile arrival has officially been assigned to the facility’s notoriously demanding Eternal Irony Department, a bureaucratic division responsible for processing the long-term consequences of decisions made by earthly leaders who spent decades insisting they were unquestionably correct. According to…

America International News

World’s Most Mislaid Explosives

Emily Cartwright

World’s Longest Meeting Ends With World’s Most Mislaid Explosives Islamabad woke up on Sunday morning to the gentle sound of diplomacy collapsing like a folding chair at a village fête. After 21 hours of intense negotiations between the United States and Iran, officials confirmed what everyone suspected somewhere around hour three: this was less “peace talks” and rather more “international couples counselling — with no counsellor.” JD Vance Travels Halfway…

America Entertainment International

Prophet Muhammad Welcomes Ayatollah Khamenei

Alan Nafzger

Prophet Muhammad Personally Welcomes Ayatollah Khamenei to Hell’s Grand Tour BREAKING: Exclusive Report from the Afterlife Dateline: The Fiery Pits, Eternal Realm — March 8, 2026 In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through both the mortal world and the infernal underworld, sources from beyond the veil confirm that the late Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, along with his daughter, grandson, and other family members, have been personally…

America International Locations News

TOP SECRET: U.S. Military Operations

Alan Nafzger

Leaked War Plans Reveal U.S. Strategy: “Confuse the IRGC With a WWII Museum Exhibit” WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what defense officials are describing as “the most historically immersive military deception since Hollywood convinced people Matthew McConaughey could pilot a spaceship,” leaked planning documents suggest the United States is preparing a daring strategy to deal with the widely dispersed units of Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC). The solution, according to the…

Bad Taste Culture News

Khamenei Hell’s Orientation

Harriet Collins

EXCLUSIVE: Hell Confirms Khamenei Has Arrived — Ticket Number 6,666,667, Massive Queue, No VIP Lane HELL’S LOWER MANAGEMENT (Special Correspondent) — In what underworld officials are calling “the most straightforward intake we’ve had since Saddam,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei touched down in Hell early Saturday morning, approximately forty-seven seconds after a joint US-Israeli airstrike reduced his Tehran compound to rubble and his legacy to a Wikipedia past tense. Sources close to the…

International News

Hell Has Been Preparing Khamenei’s Room Since 1989

Lowri Griffiths

Afterlife Officials Say Hell Has Been Preparing Khamenei’s Room Since 1989 Dateline: Infernal Facilities Department, Seventh Circle — Eternal Realm Officials at Hell’s Department of Long-Term Planning confirmed Thursday that a room assigned to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been under quiet preparation since 1989, the year he first rose to supreme leadership in Iran. According to internal memos from the Infernal Facilities Department, the accommodation had been listed for decades…

America Culture International

Guide to the Iran War

Siobhan O’Donnell

First Principles Guide to the Iran War: A Completely Scientific Satirical Reconstruction of the Problem Let us rebuild the current Iran war from first principles. That means stripping the situation down to the most fundamental truths and stacking them back together like geopolitical Lego bricks. But instead of Downing Street briefings, imagine a row of world leaders bickering outside a motorway services. Because honestly… that is not far off. As…