Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…
Trump Visits Ireland, Solves 800 Years of History Before Lunch Trump Says Irish Are Friendly and Vicious, Nation Proud President Has Finally Understood the Pub President Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a two-day visit and promptly wandered into one of Europe’s most delicate constitutional questions with the conversational confidence of a man deciding whether the clubhouse should serve soup. Asked about Irish reunification during a meeting with Taoiseach Micheál…
International Donors Prepare to Rebuild Gaza After Receiving Solemn Assurance the Money Is Definitely for Hotels Hamas discovers that “armed resistance” has terrible reviews on TripAdvisor and may interfere with the infinity pool CAIRO, Egypt — International donors began warming up their cheque-signing hands Thursday after reports that Hamas and other Palestinian factions had accepted a framework for disarmament, or at least something that stands near disarmament at diplomatic receptions…
The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…
Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…
Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump Whenever Britain’s Trade Agreement Permits Sitting Down Prime Minister Promises Independence Within the Approved Bilateral Seating Arrangement LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has pledged to challenge US President Donald Trump whenever Britain’s national interest requires it, provided the confrontation does not disrupt trade negotiations, defence cooperation, intelligence sharing or the special relationship’s scheduled afternoon tea. Burnham said national leaders must defend their…
International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers of Its Own Diplomats condemn Israel’s enormous earthen boundary from a fortified conference centre protected by railings, turnstiles, two metal detectors and a commissionaire named Nigel LONDON — The international community, or at least the portion of it that could get a visa appointment in time, has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside…
Romelu Lukaku Can’t Read, But He Can Absolutely DANCE: Lukaku Skips FIFA’s Paperwork and Goes Straight to the Dance Floor Belgium Smokes the U.S. 4-1, Then Files Its Appeal in Interpretive African Dance Belgium eliminated the United States 4-1 in the World Cup Round of 16 on Monday night in Seattle, and while nobody has confirmed whether Romelu Lukaku actually read FIFA’s 700-page disciplinary code on Folarin Balogun’s reinstated eligibility,…
Britain Discovers Diplomacy Is Just Passive-Aggressive Texting With Better Furniture Five Observations Before We Even Get to the Tea Britain “summoning” an ambassador sounds serious until you realise it’s basically sending a strongly worded calendar invite with biscuits. Iran says “sacrifice for the homeland” is symbolic, which is comforting in the same way a dentist saying “this might sting a little” is comforting. The phrase “unacceptable and inflammatory comments” is…
Strait Talk: Britain and France Launch Bold Plan to Reopen the Strait of Hormuz Using Only Tone of Voice Downing Street and the Élysée convene 40 nations in a historic attempt to negotiate with geography — sources confirm no actual boats will be involved, but everyone in attendance will feel extremely heard. Whitehall Unveils New Doctrine: Aggressive Nodding In what insiders are calling a decisive pivot in British foreign policy,…
Royal Chaos in Cheltenham: When Horse Racing Becomes Diplomacy In a jaw-dropping turn of events that has left constitutional scholars baffled and small talk at garden parties in Surrey reaching seismic levels of confusion, the latest royal strategy isn’t a treaty, a trade deal, or even a decent roast at lunch. No it’s Cheltenham horse racing. Yes, that equestrian event that most of us tolerate only to make excuses about why…
World’s Longest Meeting Ends With World’s Most Mislaid Explosives Islamabad woke up on Sunday morning to the gentle sound of diplomacy collapsing like a folding chair at a village fête. After 21 hours of intense negotiations between the United States and Iran, officials confirmed what everyone suspected somewhere around hour three: this was less “peace talks” and rather more “international couples counselling — with no counsellor.” JD Vance Travels Halfway…
Britain and the EU Begin Careful Dance Towards Each Other Whilst Pretending Not to Hear the Music 🎻🇬🇧🇪🇺 Britain and the European Union are once again standing awkwardly across the room, clutching warm drinks, insisting they are absolutely fine on their own, whilst maintaining unbroken eye contact that suggests otherwise. According to serious people with serious fonts, the relationship may be entering what diplomats describe as a phase of “getting…
Ukraine Watches Russia Set Its Own House on Fire, Then Call the Fire Department on Kyi” From Kyi”, the story looks less like an valleged attack” and more like a familiar magic trick Moscow has been performing for decades. Step one: light something on fire. Step two: point at Ukraine. Step three: watch Western politicians argue with each other while Russia quietly eats the snacks. “Russia insisting this was a Ukrainian…
