The London Prat

Antivenom exists, A&E exists, and one very confused snake is still waiting for an apology from the history books ALEXANDRIA, 12 August 30 BC - The last queen of Egypt, a woman who had charmed two of the most powerful Romans alive and outlasted most of her own family, was found dead on a golden couch with her two attendants beside her. Octavian's guards had burst in to find the scene already over. Of all the ways a ruler has ever got out of a tight spot, this remains the most theatrical. The only question left is whether anyone could have patched her up afterwards. What Really Killed Cleopatra: The Snake or Something Else? The famous story comes from Plutarch, who says a venomous asp was smuggled to her in a basket of figs. You can read his version in the Life of Antony. He also admits that nobody was sure. Others thought she used poison hidden in a hollow hairpin. Modern scholars are suspicious of the snake for sensible reasons. The likely candidate, the Egyptian cobra, has a venom that works slowly on the nervous system, and one snake killing three people on one afternoon is a lot to ask of a reptile. Frankly, it's a lot to ask of anyone. Would Antivenom Have Worked? If it was a snakebite, then medically speaking, yes. Antivenom is a perfectly ordinary treatment now, and modern hospitals know how to keep a patient breathing while it takes effect. The NHS advice on bites and stings would have told her to stay calm, keep the limb still, and get to hospital, none of which is easy when you've just paid a fig seller to commit a crime. So picture the ambulance crew turning up at the royal palace. "What bit you, madam?" "An asp." "Is that a type of snake, or a bank?" The paramedic has never heard of it. He's looking at the basket of figs. He'd like the figs tested, actually. "And you've been a bit hasty about the left arm, haven't you?" Cleopatra sighs. She's been through worse. She once had herself delivered to Julius Caesar rolled up in a carpet. A paramedic with a clipboard is hardly going to stop her. Security Screening for the Fig Basket Here is the obvious problem. Octavian had put guards round the palace precisely to stop her doing this. If a modern security firm had been on the job, the fig basket would have been X-rayed, the fig seller questioned, and the entire episode written up as an "unscheduled wildlife incident". Somewhere in Alexandria a woman in a hi-vis jacket is saying "we're going to need that basket opened, ma'am", and history takes a very different turn. The security guards would still have lost the argument, though. Nobody ever won a debate against Cleopatra. The Real Reason She Wouldn't Want Rescuing We ought to be honest about what she was avoiding. Octavian meant to parade her through Rome in chains as the star prize of his triumph, with the crowds jeering at the exotic queen. That's the point of the whole business. Saving her would have saved her only for the humiliation, and to a woman of her pride that was worse than the snake. A modern doctor revives her in the ambulance and she wakes up to a producer from a Roman reality show offering her a walk of shame on the Forum and a chance to win the Strictly special. She would have asked for the cobra back. Anyone who has seen the story of her life in the Britannica entry knows she picked her ending carefully, and no medic was ever going to change her mind. What Would Egypt Look Like if She'd Lived? Not much different, to be blunt. Rome had already won. Octavian controlled Egypt's army and its grain, and a living Cleopatra would have been a prisoner in a very nice house, writing sarcastic letters to the Senate and teaching her children to hate Italians. Her son by Caesar, Caesarion, was already dead by Octavian's order. The Ptolemaic dynasty ended with her either way, and Egypt became a Roman province, a fact you can read about in the article on Cleopatra. The medicine would have worked. The politics were incurable. The Verdict: Treatable, Unwanted Antivenom and a decent trauma team could very probably have kept her alive. But she would have declined the treatment, taken her chances with the cobra, and sent the bill to Octavian. Some patients can't be saved from themselves, and fewer still from their own sense of timing. Humorous Observations Cleopatra smuggled herself into Caesar's rooms in a carpet, and was nevertheless defeated by a fig basket. No snake in history has had its reputation so thoroughly ruined for something it may not have done. A modern paramedic would have asked her to confirm her date of birth and her next of kin, which is a minefield in that family. Her attendants, Iras and Charmion, never get their own cobras in the paintings. Octavian's guards were so bad at their job that they're remembered mostly for arriving late. If the snake story is true, the figs were the best-guarded produce in the Mediterranean. The real tragedy is that nobody in Rome thought to ask what Cleopatra wanted. She'd have hated the waiting room, and so would the receptionist.

Tag: Cleopatra death

Could Modern Doctors Have Saved Cleopatra? The Asp Would Have Needed a Better Alibi

The London Prat

London Satire

bohiney.com

Encyclopedia of Satire

spintaxi.com