The Meme Messiah vs. the Bishop of Rome: Trump Wins on Points Published 13 April 2026 — Orthodox Easter Sunday. The Lord works in mysterious algorithms. For eight hundred years, English monarchs had a perfectly sensible policy regarding the Bishop of Rome: ignore him, tax his clergy, and occasionally nick his property. Then Henry VIII came along and made it official. We have been an admirably Pope-free nation ever since, and we…
The Phrase “Ongoing Situation” Has Replaced “Good Morning” in Several Capitals Study Finds “Good Morning” Last Used in Diplomatic Context on 27 February 2026 LONDON — Linguists at the University of East Anglia, which has been studying the vocabulary of geopolitical distress since the eighties and shows no signs of running out of material, have confirmed that “good morning” has been replaced by “ongoing situation” as the standard opening to…
Five Observations Before the Panic Sets In The first thing British tabloids noticed when they went digital was that the internet was already doing their job — only with worse spelling, better lighting, and absolutely no one to blame for the libel. They also discovered that “breaking news” no longer required waiting for a printing press, which meant panic could now be delivered fresh, hot, and every twelve seconds —…
World’s Longest Meeting Ends With World’s Most Mislaid Explosives Islamabad woke up on Sunday morning to the gentle sound of diplomacy collapsing like a folding chair at a village fête. After 21 hours of intense negotiations between the United States and Iran, officials confirmed what everyone suspected somewhere around hour three: this was less “peace talks” and rather more “international couples counselling — with no counsellor.” JD Vance Travels Halfway…
King Charles Admits Ageing Is “Not Ideal,” Considers Rebranding as Vintage Monarch LONDON — In a moment of startling candour that sent shockwaves through the nation’s orthopaedic community, King Charles III reportedly acknowledged this week that ageing is, in his words, “not ideal,” before quietly floating a bold new strategy: rebranding himself as a “vintage monarch,” complete with improved labelling and a slightly higher market value. According to palace insiders, the proposal…
AI Backlash Begins as Modern Peasants Storm Castle Built Entirely of Buzzwords Villagers Armed With Pitchforks, Tuition Debt, and Lapsed Creative Cloud Subscriptions Demand To Know Why Their Replacement Gets Sick Pay There was smoke on the horizon this week, though experts clarified shortly afterwards that it was not fire but the exhaust fumes from twelve new AI data centres being constructed beside a trout stream and two primary schools.…
Do We Really Need a National Villain, Or Just a Good Cup of Tea and a Lie Down? The New National Hobby of Picking a Villain (Andrew) Like It’s a Pub Quiz Category Britain, a nation that once ruled a quarter of the globe and now struggles to rule a queue at Pret, has recently found itself asking a deeply philosophical question: do we really need a national villain, or…
Five Early Warning Signs These Horror Films Should Have Stayed in the Bottom Drawer The fastest way to kill suspense is to explain the monster with a PowerPoint. Nothing makes a slasher less scary than hearing the producer say, “Can we make the murderer more relatable to suburban dads?” The truly cursed object in Hollywood is not the ancient amulet. It is the second draft with studio notes. Every horror…
The Middle East Now Runs on a Schedule of Breaking News Every 7 Minutes, Like a Microwave With Anxiety BBC Confirms: “Ongoing” Has Been the Correct Word Since February LONDON — The BBC, which has described the Middle East situation as “ongoing” since the 28th of February with the calm authority of a man who has found a dead body but does not wish to alarm the neighbours, confirmed this…
Mayor Promises to Fix London, Immediately Announces Task Force to Study Why It’s Still Called London London woke up this week to discover that its mayor, Sadiq Khan, has once again identified the root cause of all the city’s problems: people noticing them. In a bold act of political judo, Khan has flipped the burden of proof — it is now the public’s fault for being aware that things are bad.…
