International Award Recognises Britain’s Capital For Being Unable To Sit Down
London has been named the World’s Busiest Personality for the eleventh consecutive year, beating out Tokyo, New York, and Lagos in a ceremony held Thursday at a venue that London itself was unable to attend due to scheduling conflicts.
The award, presented annually by the entirely fabricated International Bureau of Urban Personality Assessment, recognises cities that “cannot sit still, cannot stop talking about themselves, and cannot conclude any sentence without referencing their own infrastructure.”
“London is in a class of its own,” said Bureau president Dr. Henry Pemberton at the ceremony. “Most cities have hours when they pause. London does not have hours when it pauses. London has hours when it pauses LESS, but that is a different category of behaviour entirely.”
The Judging Criteria
The Bureau ranks cities across seven personality metrics, including “willingness to discuss the weather unprovoked,” “rate of construction site openings per square mile,” and “frequency of citizens checking their watch while already running.” London achieved a perfect score in every category for the third year running.
According to The Evening Standard’s coverage of the event, London also received bonus points in the “speaks to itself on public transport” subcategory, an area where Tokyo had been considered competitive until 2019.
The Tokyo Defeat
Tokyo, the perennial runner-up, formally protested this year’s results on the grounds that London “had been allowed to count its tourist population as personality, which is a tactic that other cities have long considered cheating.”
The Bureau rejected the protest, with Pemberton noting that “London tourists become indistinguishable from the city itself within approximately ninety minutes of arrival, and at that point we count them as part of the personality.”
The Mayor’s Statement
The Mayor of London, contacted between four other things he was simultaneously doing, expressed gratitude for the recognition while clarifying that he had not actually noticed his city was busy. “Compared to what?” he said. “Is there a version of London where things stop happening? I have not encountered that London.”
He went on to confirm that London had “no plans to slow down, no infrastructure to support slowing down, and no civic interest in the concept of slowing down,” before being interrupted by three separate aides who needed him to make four separate decisions about five separate projects in six separate boroughs.
The Citizen Response
Londoners contacted for comment were unable to comment because they were already on the way to other places. Reporters at Bank station observed an estimated 14,000 people walking briskly between platforms while simultaneously typing on phones, eating something, and apologising to nobody in particular.
“I do not have time to discuss whether I am busy,” said pedestrian Margaret Whittlewood, who was identified by reporters but did not stop moving for the duration of the interview. “Discussing it would be additional busy on top of the existing busy. I am full to capacity. London is full to capacity. Please ask Birmingham.”
The Birmingham Question
Birmingham, when contacted, declined the suggestion. A council spokesperson clarified that Birmingham “does not wish to be considered for World’s Busiest Personality at this time, or indeed any time, and would prefer to remain in its current position of being where people go to recover from London.”
According to BBC London, the Birmingham response is the standard Birmingham response to most international rankings involving the United Kingdom, and the Bureau confirmed that Birmingham has formally requested removal from all city personality contests “in perpetuity.”
What Comes Next for London
London is expected to defend the title again next year, having already begun preparation by becoming approximately seven percent busier on Friday morning compared to Thursday afternoon. The Bureau noted that London’s busyness now appears to be self-reinforcing, with each award producing additional busyness in response to the recognition itself.
Pemberton confirmed that the Bureau is “monitoring the situation” but does not currently believe London poses a regional stability risk, “although that assessment is under review and may be updated as London continues to do whatever it is currently doing.”
For more on cities that cannot calm down, see The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
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