Dating Expert Says Know Your Attachment Style, London Man Discovers His Is ‘Avoidant With Excellent Tube Connections’ | Relationship science collides with TfL geography
Psychologist Warns Against Dating to Escape Loneliness, Londoners Point Out That’s Also Why They Go to Wetherspoons | Britain’s unofficial social-care network asks why romance gets all the criticism
Dating Expert Says Your ‘Type’ May Be Making You Miserable, London Woman Shocked to Learn Six Consecutive DJs Named Hugo Was Apparently a Pattern | Scientists identify romantic repetition after seventh rooftop set
Experts Tell Singles to Become Comfortable Being Alone, London Landlords Immediately Advertise £2,400 Studio Flats as ‘Therapeutic Retreats’ | Property market monetises emotional wellbeing before psychologists can finish sentence
London Dating Crisis Deepens After Psychologist Suggests People Stop Choosing Their Usual Type, Chelsea Declares State of Emergency | Southwest London confronts possibility that everyone named Sebastian may not be soulmate material
London Dating Expert Says Stop Looking for Someone to Cure Your Loneliness, Entire City Immediately Deletes Hinge and Goes Back to Complaining About Rent | Experts discover Londoners were apparently using romance as an alternative to affordable housing
Psychologist Says Learn to Be Happy Alone Before Dating, London Singles Reply, ‘That’s Convenient, I Can’t Afford Dinner for Two Anyway’ | Emotional independence arrives in London just in time to become a cost-of-living strategy
Psychologist Tells Londoners to Heal Before Dating, NHS Announces First Available Emotional Appointment in March 2039 | Capital discovers self-improvement has a waiting list
Irritable London Male Syndrome: Why Every Man Inside the M25 Is Permanently Furious Scientists Discover London Men May Not Be Grumpy After All, They Simply Live in London LONDON — Researchers have been discussing “Irritable Male Syndrome,” a descriptive term associated with irritability, fatigue, stress and hormonal changes in some men. It is not a formal medical diagnosis, and experts disagree about how useful the label is. The NHS guidance on the…
London First Date Ends After Man Says He “Quite Likes Zone 5” | Romance experts warn that geography remains the capital’s most dangerous intimacy test
London Woman Survives Weekend With In-Laws by Becoming Emotionally Invisible | Experts say smiling while saying “interesting” remains Britain’s strongest defence mechanism
London Woman Dreads Intimate Sex, Boyfriend Offers Most British Solution Yet: Avoid Eye Contact and Discuss Council Tax Clapham Couple Discovers Nudity Considerably Easier Than Feelings LONDON — A 31-year-old London woman who reportedly enjoys sex but experiences dread whenever it becomes emotionally intimate has been reassured by friends that she is experiencing one of Britain’s most traditional romantic conditions: feelings. The problem emerged after Hannah, a marketing manager living in…
London Men Shown ‘Bare Minimum’ Dating Rules, Demand Treasury Costings Before Agreeing to Romance Woman Says Men Should Plan the Date, Book the Restaurant and Arrange Transport; Capital’s Bachelors Ask Whether the 73 Bus Counts as a Chauffeur London’s single men were placed on heightened financial alert Friday after discovering that the modern definition of the “bare minimum” in dating apparently includes choosing a restaurant, making a reservation, arranging transportation,…
London Tech Executive Launches Search for Husband, Accidentally Publishes Job Vacancy for Duke of Westminster Woman Seeks Emotionally Available, Financially Independent, Fit, Sober London Man Who Lives Nearby; Metropolitan Police Ask Public Not to Approach Extremely Rare Specimen A 29-year-old London technology executive has launched a nationwide search for a husband after publishing a list of romantic “non-negotiables” so detailed that several recruitment agencies reportedly tried to invoice her. The…
British Tabloids Enter 21st Year of Failing to Get Over Chelsy Davy Chelsy Davy Moved On in 2011. Fleet Street Is Still Parked Outside With the Engine Running Friends of the British tabloid press have expressed growing concern that, more than two decades after first laying eyes on Chelsy Davy, the industry still hasn’t moved on. She has. Comprehensively. The 40-year-old qualified as a solicitor, retrained as a gemologist, founded…
Londoners Told to Make New Friends by Talking to Strangers, Metropolitan Police Asked to Monitor Situation Experts Recommend Eye Contact, Repeated Meetings and Other Activities Previously Considered Un-British A new guide explaining how adults can make friends has reached Britain, causing concern throughout London after suggesting that grown people might deliberately speak to strangers. The advice comes from Real Simple’s guide to making friends as an adult, and on paper it…
Scientists Confirm Happiest Couples Are Basically Best Friends Who Also Argue About the Thermostat Decades of relationship research culminate in discovery that true love survives children, mortgages and one spouse quietly setting the house to 67 degrees Scientists studying successful marriages have reached a conclusion that threatens to destabilize both the wedding industry and the residential heating sector: the happiest husbands and wives increasingly resemble best friends who happen to…
Marriage Experts Discover Romance Eventually Becomes Two Weird People Sending Each Other Memes From Different Rooms Telecommunications industry stunned to learn modern intimacy now involves texting a person located 23 feet away Relationship experts have announced that romantic love undergoes a remarkable transformation after prolonged exposure to marriage, eventually converting two passionate young lovers into middle-aged correspondents who send each other memes from opposite ends of the same building. The…
Philosopher Says Successful Marriage Requires Friendship, Husbands Relieved Expensive French Restaurants Apparently Optional Candle manufacturers and restaurants serving six asparagus tips for £38 demand immediate philosophical retraction Husbands around the world have welcomed philosophical claims that happy marriages depend heavily on friendship after initially misunderstanding the findings as proof they never have to make a restaurant reservation again. “Fantastic,” said one married man, immediately deleting OpenTable. His wife has reportedly…
Philosophy Expert Reveals Secret to Happy Marriage: Find Someone Whose Weirdness Doesn’t Require Police Intervention New research suggests lifelong romance may depend less on finding your soulmate than finding someone whose peculiarities can legally occupy the same property Philosophers have spent more than two thousand years investigating love, beauty, virtue and the meaning of existence, only to discover that successful marriage may ultimately come down to finding one person whose…
North London Woman, 71, Dates 49-Year-Old Man, Neighbours Demand Inquiry Into Why Everybody Appears Happy Highgate romance shocks community accustomed to accepting absolutely everything except two consenting adults enjoying themselves A 71-year-old North London woman has caused widespread social confusion by dating a 49-year-old man, forcing residents of Highgate, Hampstead and Crouch End to confront one of the capital’s last remaining taboos: a mature woman having a perfectly nice time.…
London Woman Dates Startup Founder, Discovers Boyfriend Has Runway but Relationship Remains Pre-Revenue Dating a London entrepreneur reportedly feels like a relationship on steroids, except steroids occasionally switch off their phone and take you somewhere nice LONDON — A new account of life with a startup founder has prompted thousands of London women to examine their relationships and ask the most frightening question imaginable: “Am I his girlfriend, or am I…
Modern Masculinity Crisis Reaches Final Stage: London Man Builds Castle, Invents “101 Princesses” A journalist investigates what has gone wrong with modern men and discovers the answer may involve lost purpose, runaway algorithms and significantly more turrets than psychiatrists previously anticipated After decades of sociologists, psychologists, economists, philosophers and divorced men named Nigel trying to determine what has happened to modern masculinity, journalist Jon Ronson appears to have stumbled onto…
London Women Warn ‘Blue-Collar Man Stealers’ Away, Accidentally Trigger Citywide Rush for Plumbers Dating apps report sudden interest in men who own spirit levels, can reset boilers and have never described themselves as “thought leaders” The inspiration is this wonderfully combustible piece about the blue-collar man stealer trend. Bored Panda rounds up women warning would-be romantic rivals about the less glamorous habits of their tradesmen partners, including multiple alarms, catastrophic laundry,…
Harry and Meghan Return to Britain, Marriage Improves So Dramatically Tabloids Declare Relationship Crisis Cotswolds pumpkins, country pubs and aggressively romantic autumn weather reportedly leave Sussexes suspiciously content while British celebrity desks scramble to locate fresh “turmoil” Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to Britain has reportedly produced an unexpected development that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s royal-media industry: they may actually be enjoying themselves. The Duke and Duchess…
Love Cheats Women Discover Boyfriends Had Triple Lives, Still Agree Briefcases Are the Real Red Flag Channel 4 confirms romance fraud can be prevented by checking passports, relatives and whether his billionaire mother has ever met him LONDON—Women appearing in the second series of Channel 4’s Love Cheats have revealed that their devoted partners maintained elaborate webs of deception, invented personal tragedies and, in one case, operated three simultaneous lives without apparently needing…
London Housing Crisis: Where Threesomes Go To Die Married Couple Learns Three Adults And One London Bed Do Not Divide Evenly LONDON — A married London couple hoping to add a little adventure to their marriage have discovered that adding a third person to a relationship is far easier than adding a third person to a London flat. The idea began, as these things do, with a magazine advice column about…
Study Finds Gender Curiosity Lasts Five Minutes, Being Extremely Attractive Somehow Takes the Rest of the Day Researchers Accidentally Discover Humanity Is Less Obsessed With Gender Than With Looking Fantastic While Ordering Coffee A thought experiment asking people whether they would temporarily swap bodies with an extremely attractive member of the opposite sex has produced a major breakthrough in human psychology: people are deeply interested in understanding another gender until approximately the…
London Husband Orders Pizza, Wife Makes Salad, Relationship Experts Declare Kitchen Officially Separated ‘Food Divorce’ Lets Couples Stay Married While Maintaining Separate Relationships With Dinner Britain has discovered a new threat to marriage that requires neither adultery, gambling nor discovering your husband has secretly invested the pension in cryptocurrency. It is dinner. The emerging practice has been dubbed “food divorce,” describing couples who deliberately cook, order or eat different meals…
London Dating Coach Says Video Games Repel Women, PlayStation Offers Men Something Affordable to Do Indoors Single men are ordered to abandon gaming, start running and seek romance beside the donated chickpeas LONDON — A dating coach has warned that video games may sabotage single men’s romantic prospects, according to a widely circulated report, causing alarm across London among men who had believed the principal obstacle to intimacy was living with four…
