British Government Announces New Crime Prevention: “Crime Should Not Happen”

Officials Confident That Stating Obvious Goal Prevents Criminal Activity

London —

The British government has announced a crime prevention strategy: stating that “crime should not happen,” with officials expressing confidence this goal-statement somehow prevents criminal activity despite zero implementation mechanisms.

“Crime is prevented,” a government official announced. “We’ve determined crime shouldn’t happen. Therefore, it won’t. Strategy complete.”

The strategy consists of: stating crime is undesirable, making zero crime prevention efforts, celebrating goal-statement as law enforcement strategy.

Crime prevention requires law enforcement, investigation, and prosecution; goal-statements don’t prevent criminal activity. Officials apparently believe wishes replace policing.

“Crime prevention is simple,” one minister explained. “Crime should stop. We’ve made this determination. Criminals will listen.”

Crime rates continue unchanged. The government celebrates: “We’ve stated crime shouldn’t happen. The lack of prevention is criminals’ problem.”

Law enforcement requires investigation, prosecution, and deterrence systems—not goal-statements. The government confused aspiration with implementation.

“We’re crime-fighting leaders,” the government concluded. “Our statement that crime shouldn’t happen demonstrates commitment.”

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