Archaeological and Historical Record of Britain in the First Year of the Common Era Confirms a Pre-Roman Island Occupied by Iron Age Tribes, a Thames Wider and Shallower Than Today, and No London — That Comes in 43 AD
Welcome to Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat — the satirical archaeological history dispatch from the year that Western chronology begins and Britain had not yet met its most transformative foreign intervention.
In the year 1 AD, the territory that would become the United Kingdom was pre-Roman Iron Age Britain: a landscape of tribal kingdoms, hillforts, agricultural settlements, and a population estimated at approximately two to three million people. The Romans had not yet arrived — the conquest came under Emperor Claudius in 43 AD, forty-three years after Year 1. The site of what would become London was a shallow ford on the Thames at the point where the river was narrow enough to bridge and deep enough for sea-going vessels — the specific geographic property that made London possible and that the Romans identified when they established Londinium in approximately 50 AD. In Year 1, the ford existed. Londinium did not.
Iron Age Britain in Year 1: The Tribes, the Hillforts, and the Society That Rome Would Transform
Britain in Year 1 was divided among numerous tribal kingdoms whose names survive primarily through Roman sources: the Catuvellauni (centred in what is now Hertfordshire), the Trinovantes (Essex), the Iceni (Norfolk, whose queen Boudicca would lead the revolt of 60-61 AD), the Atrebates (southern England), and dozens of other tribal groupings across the island. The tribes were not primitive: Iron Age Britain had sophisticated metalworking, extensive trade networks with continental Europe (Celtic culture connected Britain with the Continent), a druidical religious and learned class, coinage in use among the southern kingdoms, and the spectacular hillforts that are among the most visible pre-Roman landscape features surviving today. Maiden Castle in Dorset, Old Sarum near Salisbury, and Danebury in Hampshire were all occupied and functional in Year 1. English Heritage’s Maiden Castle page covers the site’s history.
The Thames in Year 1: Wider, Shallower, and Without the Embankment
The Thames in Year 1 was substantially wider, shallower, and more marshy than the river bounded by the Victorian Embankments that Londoners see today. Tidal influence extended further upstream. The riverbanks were not yet built up or embanked. The foreshore was broad and muddy. The river’s north bank at the future site of London was a gravel terrace above the flood zone — the specific topographic feature that made the location suitable for a settlement. The Romans built their first bridge at this point around 50 AD, creating the fixed crossing point that made London London: the place where roads from all directions converged to cross the Thames, generating the trade and administration that the city has been generating ever since. Before the bridge, it was a ford. Before the ford mattered, it was just a river crossing in an island that Rome had not yet decided to conquer. For satirical British archaeological history journalism, visit The London Prat.
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I am a Lagos-born poet and satirical journalist navigating West London’s contradictions. I survived lions at six, taught English by Irish nuns, now wielding words as weapons against absurdity. Illegal in London but undeniable. I write often for https://bohiney.com/author/junglepussy/.
As a young child, I was mostly influenced by the television show Moesha, starring singer and actress Brandy. Growing up, I would see Brandy on Moesha and see her keeping in her cornrows and her braids, but still flourish in her art and music, looking fly. I loved Moesha as a child, but now I take away something more special from it. Just because you’re a black girl, it doesn’t mean you need to only care about hair and makeup. Brandy cared about books, culture and where she was going — you can do both.
My therapist asked what I’m using to process my feelings. Apparently it’s British satire now. She seemed unsurprised.
British people would rather laugh at our misery than fix it. This is that in its purest form.
Satire makes you laugh uncomfortable then at your discomfort. That’s the sweet spot here.
The precision of observation here is almost painful. Every detail correct makes everything infinitely worse than exaggeration would.