London Underground Announces Christmas Strike Early So Passengers Can Begin Walking Now
Transport Officials Advise Commuters to Allow Extra Time, Possibly Until January
LONDON (The London Prat) – London Underground passengers have been warned of another series of strikes in the run-up to Christmas, prompting transport officials to recommend beginning journeys several weeks before they need to arrive.
The RMT union has announced eight 24-hour strikes over a 16-day period, with action beginning on 26 November, according to The Guardian’s report on London Underground Christmas strike plans. The dispute concerns proposed changes to drivers’ working patterns, including a four-day week.
Commuters are being advised to explore alternative routes, although Londoners have increasingly discovered that the alternative route is usually walking directly into despair, via Holborn.
Four-Day Week Produces Sixteen Days of Confusion
London Underground management believes changes to working arrangements could improve efficiency. The RMT has objected to elements of the proposals, while another union, Aslef, has been more receptive.
The dispute has created the rare situation in which Londoners cannot determine which is more complicated: the timetable or the industrial relations. An informal survey of one man at Bank station found that he no longer knew which day it was, which line he was on, or whether he had ever left Bank.
Transport consultant Sir Oliver Platform explained that travellers should remain flexible.
“If your usual journey involves the Central line, consider the District line. If the District line is affected, consider the bus. If the bus is full, consider cycling.”
“And if I cannot cycle?”
“Consider working from home.”
“And if I work in a hospital?”
“Have you considered becoming a consultant?”
The Great Strike Calendar
Commuters have begun keeping detailed strike calendars, colour-coded by line, union and degree of personal suffering. A woman in Walthamstow has pinned hers to the fridge beside the bin collection schedule, which she says is more reliable but less dramatic.
Office managers report that the question “is it a strike day?” has overtaken “did you have a nice weekend?” as the most common sentence spoken in London before 9am. On several platforms, regulars now greet each other with “mind the gaps in your diary.”
The Bus Option
Bus operators are bracing for record demand. On previous strike days, the number 25 reportedly carried so many passengers that it was briefly reclassified as a building.
One Stratford commuter described standing for 90 minutes beside a man holding a Christmas tree, a woman holding a cello and a Labrador that appeared to know the route better than the driver. “It was festive,” she said, “in the sense that I now understand why the Wise Men took a camel.”
Cyclists, meanwhile, have been advised to wear high-visibility clothing and an expression of moral superiority, which most already own.
Christmas Shopping Becomes an Endurance Sport
Retailers fear disruption during the vital Christmas trading period. One Oxford Street department store has begun advising customers to buy presents in early November and leave them in a secure location until December.
The secure location is preferably their own home, reducing the need to visit the department store at all, an idea management is now studying with alarm.
Shopkeeper Malcolm Pritchard described the situation as challenging. “People want to support the high street. Unfortunately, the high street is now four miles from the nearest functioning train.”
A customer in Ealing said she planned to walk to central London for her Christmas shopping. She was last seen passing Shepherd’s Bush with a flask, two sandwiches and an expression normally associated with polar exploration. Her family has asked anyone near Marble Arch to leave out mince pies.
Transport for London Offers Reassurance
Transport for London is expected to publish travel advice as the industrial action approaches.
Sir Oliver said passengers must appreciate the complexities of operating a major urban railway. “Every journey depends on staffing, maintenance, infrastructure and the willingness of everyone involved to participate in the concept of transport.”
He rejected suggestions that commuters had become unreasonable. “Some passengers expect a train simply because they’ve purchased a ticket and arrived at a station. That is a very traditional understanding of public transport.”
One commuter proposed a revolutionary alternative.
“Couldn’t we just have a train?”
The suggestion was referred to a working group, which meets in Canary Wharf. Attendance is expected to be low.
Walking Becomes the Capital’s Growth Industry
Fitness experts have welcomed the prospect of increased pedestrian activity. Shoe retailers are preparing additional stock, and blister plaster sales in Zone 1 are forecast to outperform mulled wine.
The capital’s planners have been advised that the Christmas travel crisis could be reclassified as an active-lifestyle initiative, with a commemorative step-counting badge for anyone who walks from Croydon to Covent Garden and back before the strikes end.
The London Prat’s conclusion: London’s transport network remains committed to moving the public, principally towards alternative careers and comfortable walking shoes.
Disclaimer: This is London satire, running a reduced service. The RMT’s eight 24-hour strikes from 26 November are real, so do check TfL before you travel; Sir Oliver Platform, the Ealing shopper with the flask and the step-counting badge are not. When the trains stop, our London satire keeps running, and our UK satirical news desk has never once gone on strike, mainly because nobody pays it.
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