EXCLUSIVE: Hell Confirms Khamenei Has Arrived — Ticket Number 6,666,667, Massive Queue, No VIP Lane
HELL’S LOWER MANAGEMENT (Special Correspondent) — In what underworld officials are calling “the most straightforward intake we’ve had since Saddam,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei touched down in Hell early Saturday morning, approximately forty-seven seconds after a joint US-Israeli airstrike reduced his Tehran compound to rubble and his legacy to a Wikipedia past tense.
Sources close to the Eternal Reception Desk confirm that the former Supreme Leader of Iran — who ruled 90 million people for 37 years with an iron fist, a paralysed right arm, and a robe that apparently could not be blown off even in the afterlife — arrived to find a waiting area containing precisely no throne, no revolutionary guards, and absolutely nobody prepared to call him Supreme anything.
“He pulled ticket number 6,666,667,” a Hell spokesperson told The London Prat, speaking on condition of anonymity because, as they explained, “everybody here is anonymous now.” “Current number being served: 6,666,666. So he’s next. But we’re going slowly.”
DICTATOR WING BURSTING AT SEAMS — FORMER STRONGMEN FORM WELCOMING COMMITTEE
Hell’s Authoritarian Wing — situated, sources confirm, between the Pyramid Scheme Annex and the Influencer Dungeon — has been at near-capacity since the 1970s, but management reportedly cleared a special suite for Khamenei, described in internal memos as: “Standard tyrant package. Propaganda loop. Public accountability simulation. No curtains.”
A welcoming committee had already assembled. Saddam Hussein, clipboard in hand, confirmed he has been running orientation sessions for new arrivals since 2006. Muammar Gaddafi, reportedly wearing sunglasses and flip-flops — “He arrived very confused,” one demon noted — has taken on the role of lifestyle adviser.
“We all said the same thing when we got here,” Saddam told this correspondent. “That we knew how power worked. That we understood rules.” He paused. “We did not.”
Gaddafi added: “The rooms are personalised. His has a loop of his own speeches playing on repeat. We showed him. He lasted four minutes before screaming.” Gaddafi shook his head. “New record.”
COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT OVERWHELMED — CITIZENS ARRIVE WITH SPREADSHEETS, GRIEVANCES, AND AT LEAST ONE MOTHER
Hell’s Public Accountability Office — a chamber so vast it makes the House of Commons look intimate — was yesterday reported to be processing an unprecedented backlog. Thousands of Iranian citizens, many clutching decades of documented grievances, have been allocated speaking time.
“I have forty years of complaints,” one former resident of Tehran told officials at the intake desk. “I brought spreadsheets.”
A second produced a folder labelled simply: Evidence.
A third announced she had brought her mother.
Hell administrators confirmed that Khamenei’s session is expected to run — and here they consulted their ledgers carefully — “indefinitely.”
“That,” one senior demon confirmed, straightening his lanyard, “is rather the point.”
IRONY CLASS MANDATORY — PROFESSOR EXHAUSTED, CEAUȘESCU ASKS ABOUT HOMEWORK
All new arrivals in the Authoritarian Wing are required by infernal statute to complete Irony 101: What Happens When Power Meets Reality. The module, taught by a professor described only as “visibly tired,” covers three core lessons:
Lesson One: People Actually Noticed.
Lesson Two: When Leaders Claim Perfection, Citizens Begin Collecting Evidence.
Lesson Three: History Keeps Receipts.
Nicolae Ceaușescu, reportedly still seated in the back row after 35 years, asked whether there was homework.
“You already did the homework,” the professor replied, gesturing at the room. “This is the grading.”
Khamenei, sources say, sat down reluctantly and said nothing. Which Hell officials noted was, historically speaking, a first.
APPROVAL RATINGS RELEASED — FIGURES “DIFFICULT TO DISPLAY ON STANDARD CHART”
Hell’s Internal Metrics Division yesterday published Khamenei’s posthumous approval rating. The figure — minus twelve billion percent — has been described by analysts as “unprecedented,” though one demon noted it was “complicated slightly by the fact that we counted ghosts.”
The rating contrasts sharply with the scenes on the streets of Tehran on the morning of 1st March, where Iranians were filmed celebrating in the streets, honking horns, toppling statues, and shouting “Goodbye, Moosh-Ali” — a nickname referencing the Supreme Leader — from rooftops and moving vehicles.
In Los Angeles, London, and across the Iranian diaspora, similar scenes unfolded. Celebrations were reported from Tehran to Tehrangeles, with crowds waving Iranian flags and chanting “Freedom for Iran.”
Hell’s metrics team noted, with professional detachment, that this was “not the reaction typically associated with beloved leadership.”
BREAK ROOM BULLETIN: INFERNAL COFFEE NOW SERVED WITH REGRET
In the Dictator Break Room — a beige-walled facility with flickering strip lighting and a vending machine that only dispenses forms — the newest arrival joined his orientation committee for a debrief over cups of what the menu describes as Infernal Coffee: Now With Regret.
When asked what had surprised him most about the afterlife, Khamenei reportedly stared into the middle distance for a long moment.
“The paperwork,” he said finally.
Gaddafi laughed so hard he knocked over his cup.
“Oh mate,” said Saddam. “Oh mate, we all say that.”
A tannoy crackled overhead:
ATTENTION ALL NEW ARRIVALS. TODAY’S MANDATORY WORKSHOP: HOW TO LISTEN. ATTENDANCE IS COMPULSORY. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. THIS IS NOT A SUGGESTION.
The dictators groaned in unison.
Khamenei frowned. “I never listened before.”
Saddam picked up his clipboard and headed for the door.
“Exactly,” he said. “That’s why you’re here.”
WHAT THE COMEDIANS SAID
Frankie Boyle, never a man to hold back, remarked: “Khamenei spent forty years telling Iran what God wanted. Turns out God wanted a word.” Jimmy Carr observed: “He called himself Supreme Leader for thirty-seven years. Hell’s given him a number. Six million, six hundred and sixty-six thousand, six hundred and sixty-seven. Progress of a kind.” David Mitchell, in characteristically measured fashion, noted: “The tragedy isn’t that he’s gone. The tragedy is that he genuinely appeared to believe the spreadsheet of complaints would be shorter.”
Disclaimer: This satirical piece is intended as political humour about power, accountability, and the long tradition of history giving rulers an uncomfortable exit interview. No theological claims are made, and no religious authority should be inferred from the existence of Hell’s clearly underfunded bureaucracy. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, 86, served as Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran from 1989 until his death on 28th February 2026, when he was killed in a joint US-Israeli airstrike targeting his compound in central Tehran. Having first served as Iran’s president from 1981 to 1989 under revolutionary founder Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, Khamenei went on to rule Iran for nearly four decades, overseeing the violent suppression of mass protests — including uprisings in which more than 7,000 Iranians were killed during demonstrations that began in late December 2025, according to human rights monitors. Iranian state media confirmed his death on 1st March, declaring he had achieved “martyrdom.” His daughter, son-in-law, grandchildren, and daughter-in-law were also killed in the strikes. His wife died from her injuries on 2nd March. An interim three-member leadership council was subsequently formed pending the appointment of a new Supreme Leader. No successor had been publicly named at time of publication.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Hell’s New Arrival Orientation: Ayatollah Edition
The elevator doors opened with the gentle chime normally heard in a dentist’s office, except the button panel only had two options:
DOWN
MORE DOWNAli Khamenei stepped out onto a carpet that looked suspiciously like it had been vacuumed with a flamethrower.
A small sign greeted him:
WELCOME TO HELL
PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER
CURRENT NUMBER BEING SERVED: 6,666,666
He pulled ticket 6,666,667.
“Great,” he muttered. “Already bureaucracy.”
A man behind the reception desk waved him over.
The nameplate read:
“Orientation Manager – Former Dictator Division.”
The man leaned back in his chair.
“Relax,” he said. “We fast-track world leaders.”
Khamenei straightened his robe.
“Good. I demand proper authority.”
The receptionist nodded.
“Of course. That’s why we put you in the Authoritarian Wing. It’s between the Pyramid Scheme Annex and the Influencer Dungeon.”
He slid a pamphlet across the desk.
HELL WELCOME GUIDE
• Eternal Fire – Casual Fridays only
• Screaming Pit – Open 24/7
• Dictator Support Group – Wednesdays
• Mandatory Irony Classes – Daily
Khamenei frowned.
“What is irony class?”
The receptionist smiled.
“You’ll love it. It’s where powerful men learn what their speeches sounded like to everyone else.”
The Dictator Orientation: Strongmen Welcome Committee
From the hallway came a voice.
“Hey! New guy!”
Khamenei turned.
It was Saddam Hussein, holding a clipboard.
Behind him stood Muammar Gaddafi, wearing sunglasses and flip-flops.
“Welcome to the club,” Saddam said. “We’re the Former Strongmen Orientation Committee.”
Gaddafi nodded.
“Step one,” he said, “you must learn the rules of Hell.”
Khamenei crossed his arms.
“I ruled a nation. I know rules.”
Saddam chuckled.
“Yeah, we all thought that.”
They walked down a hallway labeled:
TYRANTS – RETURNING CUSTOMERS
Gaddafi pointed to a row of doors.
“Each room is a punishment tailored to your career.”
“Example?” Khamenei asked.
Saddam opened one.
Inside sat a man listening to a loop of his own speeches.
“That’s the Endless Propaganda Room,” Saddam explained. “Every dictator eventually ends up there.”
The man inside screamed.
“PLEASE TURN OFF MY OWN VOICE.”
Saddam closed the door.
“Nope.”
They continued.
Another room contained a crowd of angry citizens holding complaint forms.
“That one,” Gaddafi said, “is Public Accountability Simulation.”
Khamenei stopped walking.
“Public what?”
Saddam patted him on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry. Nobody lasts five minutes.”
The Complaints Department: Citizens File Four Decades of Grievances
They reached a large chamber where thousands of people waited behind desks.
Each held paperwork.
“Who are they?” Khamenei asked.
“Citizens,” Saddam said. “They’re here to file complaints.”
One man stepped forward holding a stack of forms.
“I have 40 years of grievances.”
Another said:
“I brought spreadsheets.”
A third shouted:
“I brought my mother.”
Khamenei turned pale.
“What happens if they all speak?”
Gaddafi shrugged.
“That’s the punishment.”
Irony Class 101: The Supreme Leader Gets a History Lesson
At the end of the hallway sat a teacher behind a blackboard.
He wore reading glasses and looked exhausted.
“Welcome,” he said. “I teach Irony 101: What Happens When Power Meets Reality.”
He wrote on the board:
LESSON ONE: People Actually Noticed
Khamenei sat down reluctantly.
The teacher continued.
“Lesson Two: When leaders claim perfection, citizens begin collecting evidence.”
He flipped the chalk.
“Lesson Three: History keeps receipts.”
A voice from the back row spoke up.
It was Nicolae Ceaușescu.
“Do we get homework?”
The teacher sighed.
“You already did the homework.”
He pointed to the entire room.
“This is the grading.”
The Eternal Approval Rating: A Negative Twelve Billion
A demon entered carrying a clipboard.
“Time for the approval rating survey.”
Khamenei leaned forward.
“What is my approval rating?”
The demon checked.
“Let’s see…”
He squinted.
“Minus twelve billion percent.”
Khamenei looked offended.
“Impossible.”
The demon shrugged.
“We counted ghosts.”
The Dictator Break Room: Regret-Flavored Coffee Served Daily
Later the group sat around a table drinking something labeled Infernal Coffee – Now With Regret.
Saddam leaned back.
“So what’s your biggest surprise so far?”
Khamenei thought.
“Honestly?”
Saddam nodded.
“The paperwork.”
Gaddafi laughed.
“Oh yeah. Turns out eternity runs on administration.”
Across the room a loudspeaker crackled.
ATTENTION NEW ARRIVALS
TODAY’S WORKSHOP: “HOW TO LISTEN.”
The dictators groaned.
Saddam stood up.
“Well,” he said, “time for class.”
Khamenei frowned.
“I never listened before.”
Saddam smiled.
“Exactly.”
He pointed upward.
“That’s why you’re here.”
The Bottom Line on Supreme Leadership and Eternal Consequences
As the Daily Show crowd has always known, the funniest thing about authoritarians is that they never once suspect the punchline is about them. Bill Maher put it best: “Every dictator dies absolutely certain he’ll be remembered as a hero. None of them ever are.” And Ron White, never one to mince words, observed: “You can’t fix stupid — but apparently Hell has a whole curriculum for it.”
Disclaimer: This satirical piece is intended as political humor about power, leadership, and the long tradition of history giving rulers a very uncomfortable exit interview. No theological claims are made, and no religious authority should be inferred from the existence of Hell’s clearly underfunded bureaucracy.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who served as Supreme Leader of Iran from 1989 until his death, was killed on February 28, 2026, in a joint US-Israeli airstrike targeting his compound in Tehran. Khamenei had ruled the Islamic Republic for nearly four decades, overseeing the violent suppression of mass protests — including uprisings in which more than 7,000 Iranians were killed during unrest that began in late December 2025, according to human rights monitors. He rose to power after the death of the Islamic Revolution’s founder, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, having previously served as Iran’s president from 1981 to 1989. His death — confirmed by Iranian state media, which declared he had reached “martyrdom” — prompted celebrations among Iranian civilians in Tehran and among diaspora communities worldwide, while triggering mourning among regime loyalists and plunging Iran into its most serious political crisis since the 1979 Islamic Revolution. No successor had been publicly named at the time of this writing.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Harriet Collins is a high-output satirical journalist with a confident editorial voice. Her work demonstrates strong command of tone, pacing, and social commentary, shaped by London’s media and comedy influences.
Authority is built through volume and reader engagement, while expertise lies in blending research with humour. Trustworthiness is supported by clear labelling and responsible satire.
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