The London Prat

Prince George Begins Eton, Discovers Future King Still Has to Find His Own Locker Future Monarch Reportedly Survives Latin, School Forms, and the Shocking Discovery That "Because I'm Heir to the Throne" Is Not an Accepted Excuse for Missing Geography Prince George began life at Eton College this week and reportedly encountered an institution capable of accomplishing something centuries of Parliament, constitutional lawyers, and republican campaigners have failed to achieve: treating a future King of the United Kingdom like a boy who has forgotten where he put his pencil case. The first warning came during registration. George was handed a standard school form asking for his name, address, emergency contact, and father's occupation. He reportedly completed "George" immediately. The surname required considerably more thought. "Wales?" suggested one pupil. "Windsor?" offered another. "Mountbatten-Windsor?" proposed somebody whose parents had clearly paid for additional tutoring. George eventually left the box blank and moved on to his father's occupation. According to schoolyard sources with absolutely no incentive to exaggerate whatsoever, the prince considered several possibilities before writing: "Waiting for promotion." Teachers reportedly accepted this as technically accurate. For background on the actual line of succession he is waiting on, see the official Royal Family website. Experts say the incident illustrates a problem unique to royal education. The average British child can write "accountant," "plumber," "teacher," or "regional sales manager" and continue with lunch. Royal children must answer questions that can accidentally become constitutional law. "Tell the Class Something About Yourself" George's next challenge arrived when pupils were asked to introduce themselves. One boy reportedly said, "I'm Charlie, I'm from Surrey and I like cricket." Another said, "I'm Henry, I sail." George stood up. "George. Windsor. I like football. Long-term employment prospects appear secure." The room fell silent. One boy finally nodded. "My family does private equity." Friendship was immediate. Sociologists have long observed that children establish social hierarchies quickly. Eton simply accelerates the process by ensuring half the participants already have LinkedIn profiles maintained by family offices. By morning break, George had reportedly met the sons of bankers, barristers, landowners, entrepreneurs, and at least one boy whose father's occupation was described only as "Africa." George therefore learned the first great lesson of Eton: being heir to the British throne is impressive until you meet somebody whose family apparently owns Hertfordshire. George Discovers Eton Has Rules George Discovers Eton Has Rules Perhaps the greatest cultural adjustment came when George learned that Eton has rules. This initially caused confusion. At home, rules involving royalty are usually described as constitutional convention, which means everyone agrees they are extremely important until somebody decides they are inconvenient. For readers unfamiliar with how thin that convention actually is, the UK Parliament's own explainer is a useful primer. At school, however, rules apparently include remarkably specific instructions concerning lateness, clothing, homework, and behavior. Breaking them can result in something called detention. George reportedly asked whether detention required royal assent. "No," said a master. "Can Parliament block it?" "No." "Can the Supreme Court review it?" "No." George stared into the middle distance. For perhaps the first time in his life, the future sovereign encountered absolute power. It belonged to a classics teacher. The Latin Problem Latin presented fewer difficulties. During his first lesson, George was allegedly asked to translate rex. "King," he replied. The teacher nodded. George added, "Eventually." Full marks. A second exercise reportedly involved Dei gratia rex, meaning "king by the grace of God." George asked whether there was a modern version meaning "king following several decades of extremely complicated family scheduling." The classics department is still researching it. Eton historians note that Latin has long been associated with Britain's ruling class because nothing says "prepared to govern a modern technological democracy" like spending six years learning how Julius Caesar ordered lunch. The Locker Crisis The day's most serious royal emergency occurred shortly before noon when George was assigned a locker. Locker 47B. This was reportedly bewildering. At Windsor, rooms have names. At Buckingham Palace, rooms have histories. At Eton, George discovered that his possessions were expected to reside inside a narrow metal box identified by two digits and a letter. Royal correspondents immediately declared the development "a major transition." One television panel spent eleven minutes discussing whether George's locker number contained hidden symbolism. Numerologists were consulted. 47, viewers were told, represented stability, destiny, and personal growth. B represented balance. A retired courtier pointed out that it probably meant there were already 47 other lockers. He was not invited back after the commercial break. The Backpack Constitutional Crisis Observers also reported seeing George carrying his own school bag. This caused mild panic. Several adults instinctively approached him before apparently remembering that carrying a backpack is still legal for members of the Royal Family. The incident was described by one eyewitness as "refreshingly normal." Another witness called it "historic." A third said, "It was a boy carrying books." British television immediately scheduled a documentary. George: The Burden He Carries will reportedly air in six parts. George Encounters the Old-Boy Network By lunchtime, George had accidentally joined the Eton old-boy network despite technically being a current boy. This is believed to be a school record. One pupil allegedly offered him a future seat on the advisory board of a fintech company that does not yet exist. Another invited him to Switzerland. A third explained that his father could "sort something out in Singapore." George had only been attempting to locate pudding. Political scientists describe networks as systems of relationships through which influence, information, and opportunity circulate. At Eton this is known as Tuesday. George's difficulty is that he arrived already connected to the ultimate British network, one containing prime ministers, bishops, ambassadors, generals, and anybody who owns ceremonial trousers. Consequently, networking downward may present the greater challenge. "What Does Your Family Do?" Lunch reportedly introduced another dangerous topic: family. George was asked what his family does. "Well," he reportedly began. There followed a silence usually associated with historians realizing they have only twenty minutes left in the lecture. The Windsors have been involved in politics, diplomacy, warfare, religion, scandal, horse racing, architecture, charity work, naval service, weddings, divorces, and the occasional constitutional emergency, as any browse through the BBC's royal family archive will confirm. The teacher later assigned pupils a 500-word essay titled My Family. George requested permission to submit Volume One. Buckingham Palace offered a bibliography. The National Archives offered storage space. School Bullying Faces New Constitutional Challenges Eton administrators have also reportedly considered the unusual implications of playground bullying involving a future king. The average bully worries about detention. A bully confronting George theoretically must consider whether the victim could someday appear on stamps. One pupil allegedly approached the prince, reconsidered several centuries of British history, and decided to bother somebody from Dorset instead. This is known in behavioral economics as rational choice theory. The Great Equalizer Yet despite the titles, ancestry, photographers, and constitutional destiny surrounding him, George reportedly ended his first day much like millions of schoolboys before him. A teacher noticed his shirt. "George," the master said, "tuck it in." No herald sounded. No equerry intervened. No constitutional expert appeared on television. The future King simply tucked in his shirt. For centuries Britain has debated whether monarchy is compatible with democracy. Eton may have accidentally discovered the answer: give the monarch homework, make him carry his own books, assign him Locker 47B, and every so often have somebody with a red pen say, "Not good enough. Do it again." That is equality Britain can understand. Helpful Advice for Future Kings Starting School Experts therefore recommend that any future monarch entering secondary education follow several basic rules. Learn your locker combination before learning the nuclear codes. Never answer "Who is your emergency contact?" with "the government." When a teacher says "Your Majesty," check whether they are being sarcastic. Do not appoint classmates to the House of Lords before Christmas. And most importantly, remember that although you may someday become King of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, and several other realms, none of those constitutional responsibilities will persuade a maths teacher to accept homework submitted three days late. 15 Humorous Observations From Prince George's First Day at Eton Prince George may someday inherit several palaces, but on his first day at Eton he still had to find Locker 47B. Asking George his father's occupation creates difficulties because "waiting for promotion" sounds less impressive than "Prince of Wales." Most new pupils introduce themselves with a hometown. George effectively has several. Eton's buildings are so old that a future king can legitimately get lost in architecture built by people who assumed kings knew where everything was. George calling Eton clothing a "school uniform" probably constitutes a class misdemeanor. The easiest Latin translation George will ever encounter is rex: "me, eventually." A future monarch carrying his own backpack may be the closest Britain gets to constitutional reform this decade. George joining Eton's old-boy network would be redundant because he arrived genetically pre-networked. Asking a royal child to write 500 words about his family is less homework than an invitation to establish a public inquiry. School bullies face an unusual risk calculation when their potential victim may eventually appear on the currency. George probably understands constitutional convention better than detention, because one can bring down a government while the other ruins Thursday afternoon. Joining the debating club seems unnecessary when Parliament is essentially the family's inherited group project. Eton may be the only school where another pupil can hear "future king" and respond, "Interesting. My father owns ports." George's greatest educational shock may be discovering that teachers are permitted to tell him what to do without first bowing. The monarchy's most democratic institution may ultimately prove to be a mathematics teacher saying, "George, stop talking and show your working." This article is satire. The school incidents, quotations, locker emergencies, and constitutional disputes described above should be approached with the same evidentiary caution normally reserved for school gossip, royal correspondents standing outside gates, and anyone claiming to understand Latin after two glasses of port. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No corgis were consulted regarding the succession, although several were reportedly available.

Tag: entitlement

Prince George Begins Eton

The London Prat

London Satire

bohiney.com

Encyclopedia of Satire

spintaxi.com

Prince George Begins Eton

British Influencer Announces Followers “Don’t Appreciate Her”: Demands Followers Show More Gratitude