Cathedral, Family, Pew, Customs Union Of The Spirit
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.
The National Conservative believes the country is the cathedral, the family is the pew, and the market should not be allowed to redecorate without planning permission. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from The Spectator and National Conservatism.
Twenty Tells: Spotting The National Conservative On A British High Street
- Has explained he is not a populist, he is a national conservative, with footnotes.
- Refers to the family as the smallest, fiercest commonwealth.
- Holds any economy without a national interest is structurally sad.
- Maintains a fantasy in which Roger Scruton calls.
- Refers to globalisation as the long, sad coffee.
- Treats free movement as a sort of philosophical typo.
- Maintains a binder of Edmund Burke quotes.
- Refers to the post-1989 era as the missed chance.
- Holds any culture is improved by a slight return to ritual.
- Has explained, at a wedding, that the toast is to the nation, polite but firm.
- Refers to Hungary as a useful note.
- Treats the National Conservatism Conference as a sort of Glastonbury for nice men in jackets.
- Maintains a soft spot for cathedrals, choirs, and customs unions of the spirit.
- Refers to the right kind of patriotism as the only honest verb.
- Holds any market without a moral frame is structurally a casino.
- Has explained he is not against immigration, he is for assimilation.
- Refers to the family meal as a small constitutional act.
- Treats any policy without national reference as a kind of homework error.
- Maintains a fantasy in which The Spectator rings.
- Believes the country is fundamentally a slow argument with itself, in good lighting.
Editor’s Note
If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Tory association AGM, a Reform UK rally above a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/
I am a Lagos-born poet and satirical journalist navigating West London’s contradictions. I survived lions at six, taught English by Irish nuns, now wielding words as weapons against absurdity. Illegal in London but undeniable. I write often for https://bohiney.com/author/junglepussy/.
As a young child, I was mostly influenced by the television show Moesha, starring singer and actress Brandy. Growing up, I would see Brandy on Moesha and see her keeping in her cornrows and her braids, but still flourish in her art and music, looking fly. I loved Moesha as a child, but now I take away something more special from it. Just because you’re a black girl, it doesn’t mean you need to only care about hair and makeup. Brandy cared about books, culture and where she was going — you can do both.
In British comedy, the prat is the character who provides the laughter by being completely oblivious to their own incompetence.
The footnotes are the substance. This person did work everyone pretends.
My therapist says I’m using comedy to avoid dealing with difficult emotions. This validates that strategy entirely.
A reader said The London Prat was too cynical about governance. Someone asked if cynicism was unwarranted given how governance actually prevented change.
A teacher assigned it to her year 12 class. They understood London politics better than most policy makers.