Field Guide To The Last True Believer In The Vanguard
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.
The Marxist-Bolshevik Revolutionary thinks history is the 23 bus, the working class is meant to be driving, and the brakes were a Tory innovation he never agreed to. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from Britannica on the Russian Revolution and the Marxists Internet Archive on Lenin.
Twenty Tells: Spotting The Marxist-Bolshevik Revolutionary On A British High Street
- Believes the Winter Palace was simply on a slow stocktake until November 1917.
- Treats the queue at Greggs as a state of consumer freedom, and two queues as late-stage capitalism in crisis.
- Refers to landlords as a problem the local committee will resolve, given a Tuesday and a vote.
- Owns one good donkey jacket, one bad one, and a third that technically belongs to the workers.
- Quotes Lenin during arguments about the Sainsbury’s self-checkout.
- Insists 1917 was a soft launch and the proper rollout is pencilled in for next spring.
- Calls his book club a Soviet, and is annoyed that Waterstones does not stock it as such.
- Believes the only flaw in central planning is that he has not yet been put in charge of it.
- Regards every staff meeting as counter-revolutionary, particularly the one about hot-desking.
- Has a cat named Comrade and is currently feuding with a goldfish named Plekhanov.
- Identifies the bourgeoisie by their refusal to share a bathroom in a Hackney house-share.
- Maintains that famine is best solved by setting up a sub-committee about famine.
- Refers to his Wandsworth landlord as the local kulak, citing the 1921 definition.
- Is convinced the only flaw in the 1917 plan was the existence of 1918.
- Treats the phrase mixed economy the way a vegan treats a Greggs sausage roll.
- Maintains a beard not for style but as a security clearance.
- Considers elections a useful diagnostic that you stop using once the diagnosis is complete.
- Owns three biographies of Trotsky and refers to all of them as the wrong one.
- Thinks the secret police are a fair compromise between freedom and getting things done.
- Suspects you specifically of being a wrecker, and would like a word after the meeting.
Editor’s Note
If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to the Durham Miners’ Gala, a Conservative Home reader meet-up, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/
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