MI6 Shortlists Man Who’d Apologise to His Assassin
LONDON, England — The search for the next James Bond has taken a disturbing turn after British actor Jack Lowden, best known for playing an intelligence officer who routinely gets things wrong in Slow Horses, emerged as a serious contender to become cinema’s most competent secret agent.
Why Jack Lowden Can’t Be James Bond
- Sean Connery walked into a room and women fainted. Jack Lowden walks into a room and somebody asks whether he’s here to repair the Wi-Fi.
- James Bond is licensed to kill. Lowden looks like he’d need written permission to raise his voice at a parking attendant.
- Daniel Craig could intimidate a Russian assassin with one stare. Lowden looks like he’d apologise to the assassin for making eye contact.
- Bond drives an Aston Martin. Lowden looks like he drives a Volkswagen Golf and keeps the insurance documents in the glove compartment.
- Bond orders a martini shaken, not stirred. Lowden looks like he’d order a pint, discover it’s £8.50, and spend the rest of the evening discussing inflation.
Jack Lowden Joins the James Bond Casting Shortlist
Jack Lowden has reportedly emerged as a leading contender to replace Daniel Craig as James Bond, with rival candidates undergoing screen tests and bookmakers backing the Slow Horses star. No official casting decision has been announced.
This raises an important question: when did James Bond become a position for which the main qualification is looking mildly concerned outside a railway station?
According to reports on the James Bond casting shortlist, Lowden is among several actors being considered for the role previously occupied by Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig.
Apparently, the producers have decided the next Bond should be less dangerous, more approachable, and capable of explaining why the office photocopier isn’t working.
Lowden is undoubtedly a talented actor.
So is Rowan Atkinson.
Nobody wants Mr Bean defusing a nuclear bomb.
From 007 Sex Symbol to Assistant Branch Manager
For decades, James Bond represented the pinnacle of masculine confidence.
Connery could enter a casino, order a drink, seduce a woman, defeat three assassins and bankrupt an international criminal organisation before breakfast.
Lowden looks like he’d enter the same casino, ask where the toilets are, and leave after discovering the parking isn’t validated.
The difference is not subtle.
Connery wore a tuxedo because he was about to risk his life.
Lowden looks like he wears one because his cousin’s getting married in Edinburgh.
A Bohiney newsroom survey of seven employees found that six preferred Connery and one thought Lowden might be useful with Excel.
The seventh was immediately promoted to head of casting at Amazon.
Bond Screen Test Scorecard Splits the Panel
A score sheet from one of the screen-test sessions reached the Bohiney newsroom this week, passed along by a person who asked not to be named because they still needed to use the studio car park. It records the panel’s notes as follows.
| Test | Panel note | Score |
|---|---|---|
| Intimidating stare | Panel member asked if he was feeling all right | 3/10 |
| Tuxedo | Fits well. One panellist believed it belonged to his cousin | 6/10 |
| Ordering a martini | Asked the price first, then whether there was a lager | 2/10 |
| Walking away from an explosion | Turned back for his coat | 4/10 |
| Introducing himself | Offered to spell the surname | 5/10 |
| Punctuality | Arrived 25 minutes early, apologised to the car park attendant | 10/10 |
Licensed to Kill? Let’s Start With Licensed to Drive
Bond famously drove an Aston Martin DB5 fitted with machine guns, ejector seats and enough explosives to destabilise a small European democracy.
Lowden looks like he’d drive a 2018 Volkswagen Golf with excellent service records.
Bond would race through Monte Carlo at 120 miles per hour.
Lowden would check whether the road was subject to average-speed cameras.
Imagine the famous chase sequence.
A helicopter fires missiles at his vehicle.
Lowden pulls into a lay-by.
“Sorry, is there a problem with my driving?”
The terrorist demands that he surrender.
“Absolutely. Could I just ask who’s responsible for the damage to my windscreen?”
By the time the villain produces a rocket launcher, Lowden has exchanged insurance information and requested a claim reference number.
The next film won’t be Goldfinger.
It’ll be Comprehensive Coverage.
The Martini Problem: Shaken, Not Stirred, Reasonably Priced
Every great Bond possesses a signature drink.
Connery ordered a martini shaken, not stirred.
Moore delivered the instruction with effortless sophistication.
Craig looked capable of drinking the entire bottle and beating somebody unconscious with the empty glass.
Lowden looks like he’d ask whether they have anything on draught.
“Martini, sir?”
“How much?”
“Eighteen pounds.”
“Good Lord. I’ll have a lager.”
“Shaken or stirred?”
“Whatever’s cheapest.”
The Bohiney Institute of Cinematic Masculinity estimates that Bond’s international mystique would decline 73 percent if he began comparing drink prices.
An additional 19 percent would disappear if he asked whether the bar accepted Tesco Clubcard vouchers.
Slow Horses Is Not a Training Academy for James Bond
Lowden plays River Cartwright in Slow Horses, the acclaimed Apple TV+ espionage drama about disgraced British intelligence operatives.
The programme’s central workplace, Slough House, is effectively where MI5 sends agents after their careers have gone horribly wrong.
This is an unusual qualification for Bond.
It’s like recruiting a commercial airline pilot because he was brilliant in a television series about emergency landings.
In Slow Horses, Lowden’s character operates under Jackson Lamb, played by Gary Oldman.
Lamb is brilliant, foul-mouthed, permanently irritated and apparently allergic to personal hygiene.
Oldman has publicly expressed hope that Lowden will get the Bond role.
Of course he has.
If Lowden becomes Bond, Oldman finally gets the office to himself.
Visitors to Slough House report that the kitchen fridge carries a handwritten notice, which reads in full:
KITCHEN NOTICE
The oat milk is not communal. It never was communal.
Whoever has been writing a false name on their yoghurt: we know. The dishwasher is not a filing system. Anything left in the sink after Friday will be treated as evidence.
Management
Imagine MI6 interviewing Lowden’s River Cartwright.
“Your qualifications?”
“I’ve worked in British intelligence.”
“Excellent. Where?”
“Slough House.”
“Why were you assigned there?”
“Performance issues.”
“Wonderful. Amazon will love you.”
Will the Bond Girls Have to Make the First Move?
Perhaps the greatest challenge is romance.
Bond never struggled to attract women.
Connery could raise an eyebrow and change the course of international relations.
Moore could flirt while being lowered into a shark tank.
Lowden gives off the reassuring impression of a man who would happily help you assemble IKEA furniture.
Nothing wrong with that.
But international espionage requires something beyond remembering where you put the Allen key.
Picture the romantic climax.
Beautiful intelligence operative: “James, I’ve been waiting for you all evening.”
Lowden: “Sorry. The Northern Line was delayed.”
“Take me somewhere dangerous.”
“There’s a Wetherspoons near King’s Cross.”
“James, kiss me.”
“Would you mind if I checked we’re both comfortable with that?”
By the time the paperwork is finished, the villain has escaped to Switzerland, married the woman and started a family.
Q Branch Gadgets for a Jack Lowden Bond
In traditional Bond films, Q provides elaborate technological devices capable of destroying tanks, disabling enemy communications and occasionally exploding entire buildings.
Lowden’s Bond would require a more practical equipment package.
An umbrella.
A portable phone charger.
An Oyster card.
A device for locating lost keys.
A spare cardigan in case the weather turns.
“Pay attention, 007,” Q would explain. “This watch contains a miniature laser capable of cutting through steel.”
“Does it count my steps?”
“No.”
“Seems a bit disappointing.”
“This pen contains enough explosives to destroy a fortified bunker.”
“Is it refillable?”
“Get out.”
After six months, Q Branch would stop producing weapons and begin concentrating on reusable shopping bags.
The first batch of equipment came back to the stores desk last Thursday. The return slip is on file.
| Item | Condition on return |
|---|---|
| Wristwatch, laser-equipped | Returned. Strap adjusted twice. Step count 11,402 |
| Pen, explosive | Returned. Refill requested |
| Umbrella, reinforced | Returned dry. Never opened |
| Portable charger | Returned at 4 percent. Staff asked to charge it |
| Cardigan, spare | Not returned. Lost property notified |
Scottish James Bond: Sean Connery vs Jack Lowden
Lowden’s Scottish background has naturally encouraged comparisons with Connery.
Unfortunately, sharing a nationality is not sufficient.
Connery was the sort of Scotsman who looked capable of defeating the Soviet Union in a fistfight.
Lowden looks capable of writing a particularly stern letter to ScotRail.
Connery could make the words “Good evening” sound like a threat.
Lowden could make “I’m going to kill you” sound like a polite reminder from the dentist.
Both men are Scottish.
So is the man who comes to inspect your gas boiler.
Nobody is suggesting he should play Bond, although he probably knows more about dangerous equipment.
Amazon MGM Discovers Bond Is Eligible for Prime Delivery
The next Bond film is being developed under Amazon MGM, with Denis Villeneuve attached to direct and Steven Knight writing the screenplay.
This introduces a terrifying possibility.
Corporate efficiency.
Bond previously worked for His Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service.
Soon he may have to work for an organisation that measures success in customer retention, subscriber engagement and delivery speed.
“Good morning, 007. Your mission is to prevent a nuclear catastrophe.”
“Understood.”
“Before proceeding, would you like to upgrade your subscription?”
“No.”
“Your mission briefing contains advertising.”
Lowden, uniquely, looks like somebody who would sit patiently through the advertisements.
Then review the terms and conditions.
Then accept all cookies.
Meanwhile, Blofeld has conquered Europe.
Bond Villains vs Jack Lowden: A Field Day for Blofeld
Consider the classic confrontation.
Goldfinger once threatened Bond with a laser capable of slicing him in half.
Connery responded with icy composure.
Lowden would probably ask whether the equipment had passed its annual safety inspection.
Blofeld would reveal his plan to destroy Western civilisation.
“That’s extremely concerning,” Lowden would reply. “Have you considered the environmental impact?”
Oddjob would throw his deadly metal-rimmed hat.
Lowden would catch it, examine the stitching and ask where he bought it.
Jaws would open his terrifying steel teeth.
Lowden would recommend an excellent orthodontist in Glasgow.
Eventually, the villains would stop trying to kill Bond because he had become their most attentive customer.
The change in mood is already showing on a travel review site, where one recent guest of Blofeld’s volcano headquarters has left this write-up:
★☆☆☆☆ Dramatic setting, poor logistics
The monorail was out of service and nobody could tell us where the toilets were. A man in a grey jacket kept stroking a cat and ignored our questions about the car park. Staff were friendly once we found one, though several were wearing matching jumpsuits and seemed worried. Would not recommend for a family day out.
Dave R., Reading. Travelled with partner.
Gary Oldman Backs Jack Lowden for Bond, and Nobody Else Does
Oldman’s enthusiasm for his younger co-star is understandable.
Lowden is talented, hardworking and clearly capable of carrying dramatic material.
But recommending somebody for Bond because he’s an excellent actor is like recommending your accountant to wrestle a crocodile because he’s brilliant at calculating depreciation.
Different skill sets.
When asked about the Bond speculation surrounding her husband, Saoirse Ronan indicated that domestic life remained a much more immediate concern, including walking the dog and making dinner.
Even his household appears to have more pressing assignments than saving the world.
And this may explain the problem better than any casting director.
James Bond is supposed to be a man who returns from a dangerous mission, removes his bloodstained dinner jacket, pours himself a martini and disappears with an international beauty.
Jack Lowden looks like he’d return home, put the recycling out and ask whether the dishwasher needs unloading.
The Verdict: Double-O-Seven or Double-O-Sorry?
Lowden may yet surprise audiences. Daniel Craig faced considerable criticism when he was first cast, before delivering one of the franchise’s most celebrated performances.
But Bond needs danger.
Bond needs arrogance.
Bond needs a man who can enter a room full of international criminals and make them regret being born.
Jack Lowden looks like he’d enter the same room and ask whether anybody had seen his phone charger.
The name’s Lowden.
Jack Lowden.
“Sorry, would you like me to spell that?”
The world is not enough. But apparently a clean driving licence, two references and experience answering emails might be.
10 Humorous Observations
- Bond always gets the girl. Lowden looks like he’d get her telephone number, then send a polite message asking whether she’d prefer to remain friends.
- Bond wears a tuxedo to kill international criminals. Lowden looks like he’s wearing one because somebody at the wedding insisted.
- Bond never reveals his real identity. Lowden would give the villain his full name, postcode and National Insurance number before the interrogation began.
- Bond escapes exploding buildings. Lowden looks like he’d go back for his coat because the pockets contain his train ticket.
- Bond says, “The name’s Bond. James Bond.” Lowden looks like he’d say, “Jack. Sorry. You were first. Go ahead.”
- Bond fights international terrorists. Lowden plays an MI5 agent in Slow Horses, where the entire premise is that British intelligence has a department for people who have disappointed British intelligence.
- Sean Connery made Scottishness sound dangerous. Lowden makes it sound like you’re about to receive a thoughtful explanation of the local council’s recycling policy.
- Bond’s enemies include Blofeld, Goldfinger and international criminal syndicates. Lowden’s most convincing enemy would be an incorrectly completed expense form.
- Bond defeats villains with guns, gadgets and seduction. Lowden looks like he’d defeat them by filing an extremely persuasive complaint with customer services.
- Amazon now controls Bond’s cinematic future. With Lowden in the role, 007 might finally become the first secret agent whose greatest adventure is trying to cancel a Prime subscription.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Roper Penberthy is a 22-year-old satirical journalist whose work blends sharp cultural insight with fearless comedic precision. Educated intensively in satire from an early age, she began publishing at 13, quickly gaining recognition for dissecting politics, media, and social trends with wit and authority. Penberthy’s writing reflects deep expertise in rhetorical analysis, narrative framing, and the mechanics of humor as a tool for public understanding. Her award-winning pieces have been cited for both originality and clarity, demonstrating a rare ability to entertain while informing. Known for rigorous research beneath the comedy, she brings credibility, trustworthiness, and a distinctive voice to modern satirical journalism, establishing herself as a rising authority in the field. EMAIL [email protected]
