Current Absurdities News Technology

Optional Mandatory Voluntary Digital ID

UK Government Introduces Optional Mandatory Voluntary Digital ID, Everyone Somehow Still Angry After months of public outrage and several op-eds written entirely in capital letters, ministers announce they’ve listened by doing almost exactly the same thing but with warmer adjectives. The Great Digital ID Compromise That Solved Nothing The UK government has officially scaled back its mandatory digital ID proposal, replacing it with what officials now describe as “a gentler,…

Culture Political Social

MPs Refuse Drug Tests

MPs Refuse Drug Tests, Great Britain Forced to Conclude They’re Simply Like This Naturally 15 Observations on Why Our Elected Representatives Won’t Go Near a Plastic Cup Politicians oppose drug testing the way the British oppose queuing complaints: with loud indignation and complete refusal to examine themselves. The same MPs who vote to test benefit claimants would sooner resign than produce a sample of their own. Parliament believes in transparency,…

Political

Government Scandal Erupts Again

Government Scandal Erupts Again as Officials Insist This One Is “Completely Different” LONDON — Britain woke up this morning to yet another government scandal, prompting ministers to reassure the public that while this scandal may look identical to the last twelve, it is in fact new, fresh, and—most importantly—already being investigated by the same people who caused it. It’s rather like asking a pyromaniac to investigate a house fire they…

Governance News Social

Labour Blames Tories

Labour MPs Quietly Googling “How To Blame Previous Government Forever” During Lunch Break LONDON — Internal browsing data obtained by The London Prat through means we are legally advised to describe as “journalistic,” rather than “asking Gerald to check his mate’s browser history,” reveals that no fewer than 47 Labour MPs spent some portion of their parliamentary lunch break on Tuesday searching for variants of the phrase “how long can…

Business International

Global Markets Rise on Rumor

Global Markets Rise on Rumor That Humans May Briefly Behave Rationally Unverified Report of Coordinated De-Escalation Sends Indices Up 2.3% Before Someone Reads the Follow-Up Global equity markets rose sharply on Wednesday morning following an unverified report that parties to the current Middle East standoff had agreed to a preliminary framework for talks — a development that, if true, would represent a significant de-escalation and, if false, represents a significant…