Current Absurdities International

The Fate of Iran Might Be Decided by Poetry

Protesters Discover the Ultimate Anti-Censorship Technology Cringe, Paper, and Metaphor Tehran is learning an ancient lesson: you can shut down the internet, but you cannot shut down a person who has just discovered the emotional power of a pen. With the web flickering out like a government-approved candle, the nation has entered what experts are calling the “Analog Uprising,” a thrilling new phase of political conflict where both sides abandon…

Current Absurdities News

London to Paris: Four Trips to Regret

London to Paris: Four Ways to Regret Your Life Choices So you want to travel from London to Paris? Congratulations on successfully deciding to throw money at the English Channel until it lets you through. The journey between these two cities is essentially a hostage negotiation with your own sanity, where you’ll be offered four distinct methods of self-torture, each arriving at the same destination but via vastly different circles…

Culture Social

A Mother’s Place

Why British Mothers Haven’t Sat Down Since 2014 LONDON — Britain’s most necessary parenting platform, A Mother’s Place, has officially re-emerged as the nation’s leading resource for exhausted women whispering: “I haven’t peed alone in three years.” The rapidly growing motherhood site describes itself as offering honest, unfiltered support for pregnancy, birth and beyond. Which in Britain roughly translates to: you are about to experience psychological warfare conducted by a…

Culture News

Britain’s New “Weight-Loss Strategy”

5 Observations About Britain’s New “Weight-Loss Strategy” 🥗💉 Britons have decided that a weekly injection is clearly more dignified than letting a surgeon rearrange their insides on the NHS’s schedule — which, given current waiting times, would be sometime around 2031. Apparently the new national motto is: “If it requires anaesthesia and a referral form, we’ll find it on the internet.” Bariatric surgeons spent 30 years convincing people surgery works… and…

Current Absurdities International

Army to Fight Rat Virus

Army Parachutes Onto Remote Island to Fight Rat Virus, Immediately Becomes Britain’s Most Efficient Public Service The British Army parachuted onto a remote island this week to stop a spreading rat-borne virus, marking the first time in modern history a government agency attacked a problem before forming a committee about it. Witnesses described military helicopters circling the island while civil servants back in London attempted to locate it on Google Maps…

Current Absurdities News Technology

Optional Mandatory Voluntary Digital ID

UK Government Introduces Optional Mandatory Voluntary Digital ID, Everyone Somehow Still Angry After months of public outrage and several op-eds written entirely in capital letters, ministers announce they’ve listened by doing almost exactly the same thing but with warmer adjectives. The Great Digital ID Compromise That Solved Nothing The UK government has officially scaled back its mandatory digital ID proposal, replacing it with what officials now describe as “a gentler,…

Culture Political Social

MPs Refuse Drug Tests

MPs Refuse Drug Tests, Great Britain Forced to Conclude They’re Simply Like This Naturally 15 Observations on Why Our Elected Representatives Won’t Go Near a Plastic Cup Politicians oppose drug testing the way the British oppose queuing complaints: with loud indignation and complete refusal to examine themselves. The same MPs who vote to test benefit claimants would sooner resign than produce a sample of their own. Parliament believes in transparency,…

Political

Government Scandal Erupts Again

Government Scandal Erupts Again as Officials Insist This One Is “Completely Different” LONDON — Britain woke up this morning to yet another government scandal, prompting ministers to reassure the public that while this scandal may look identical to the last twelve, it is in fact new, fresh, and—most importantly—already being investigated by the same people who caused it. It’s rather like asking a pyromaniac to investigate a house fire they…