Britain Releases RAF Fairford Terror Suspects on Bail, Asks Them Not to Do Anything Too Terroristy Before the Investigation Is Finished
Armed police, bomb disposal teams and evacuated villagers discover Britain’s most powerful counterterrorism weapon: administrative conditions
Britain experienced the complete modern counterterrorism cycle this week: suspicious vans, masked men, a frightened farmer, armed police, military bomb specialists, evacuated homes, terrorism arrests, government briefings and finally the ceremonial handing over of paperwork explaining that everybody may now go home provided they promise not to make the situation any more internationally alarming.
It is difficult to imagine a more British ending unless the suspects had also been issued a National Trust membership and reminded that the village fête begins Saturday.
Britain Introduces Counterterrorism Bail After the RAF Fairford Arrests
There are certain phrases you never expect to hear together.
“Luxury coach station.”
“Emergency dentist.”
“Affordable London flat.”
And now:
“Suspected terrorist plot. Released on bail.”
Five British men in their twenties were arrested near RAF Fairford after authorities responded to suspicious activity involving several vans near the military base.
The arrests became a major counterterrorism investigation.
Homes were evacuated.
Roads were closed.
Armed officers arrived.
Bomb specialists examined the scene.
Government officials received briefings.
International officials started commenting.
Then Britain apparently reached into the enormous filing cabinet where it keeps the Magna Carta, parking regulations and fourteen different forms required to install a conservatory and announced:
“Bail.”
You half expect the suspects to receive loyalty points.
The Farmer Who Spotted the Vans Has Apparently Become MI5
The most extraordinary element may be how the drama began.
A farmer reportedly noticed unusual activity around three white vans and masked men and contacted authorities, according to NBC News.
That is Britain’s national defence strategy right there.
Not satellites.
Not artificial intelligence.
Not facial recognition.
Margaret from Gloucestershire.
Every intelligence agency in Britain should immediately be reorganised around farmers, postmen and retired women who watch the neighbourhood through lace curtains.
Nobody notices abnormal behaviour faster.
A £900-million surveillance system sees three vans and says, “Insufficient data.”
A farmer sees three vans at the wrong hour and says:
“Who the hell are they?”
Case solved.
There should be a new government department.
MI6½: People Who Notice Things.
Recruitment requirements:
Own binoculars.
Know everybody normally on the road.
Become immediately suspicious of anyone wearing a balaclava when it isn’t skiing weather.
Britain could save billions.
The Great British Security Escalator: From “Suspicious Activity” to Bail
The incident also revealed the extraordinary range of British official language, from the national threat level system to the police press briefing.
First:
“Suspicious activity.”
Then:
“Major incident.”
Then:
“Explosives offences.”
Then:
“Suspicion of preparing a terrorist act.”
Then:
“Foreign-state involvement is being considered.”
Then finally:
“They’ve been released on bail.”
That escalator went up twelve floors and then exited through the gift shop.
Imagine being one of the evacuated residents.
At breakfast:
“There may be an attack near the American airbase.”
At lunch:
“Counterterrorism police have arrested five men.”
At dinner:
“They’re out.”
You would check the television twice.
“Out of what?”
“Custody.”
“No, no. I heard the serious part. What are they out of?”
“Custody.”
“Then why am I still out of my HOUSE?”
Stringent Bail Conditions: Terms and Conditions for Terror Suspects
Authorities stressed that the men remain under investigation and face stringent restrictions on movement and contact.
Wonderful.
Because if there is anything people associate with sophisticated international security threats, it is obedience to terms and conditions.
Perhaps the bail document says:
YOU MUST NOT:
Leave designated areas.
Contact designated individuals.
Approach RAF installations.
Construct anything alarming.
Become a proxy for hostile powers between the hours of 6 p.m. and 8 a.m.
Failing to comply may result in Britain becoming quite cross.
There may even be a checkbox.
☐ I agree not to overthrow, sabotage, explode, undermine or otherwise inconvenience His Majesty’s strategic infrastructure pending further enquiries.
Signature: __________
Date: __________
Please use blue or black ink.
Evacuated Villagers: 85 Households Get the Premium Package
Around 85 households were evacuated during the security operation.
Think about that contrast.
Imagine being dragged out of bed because authorities believe something potentially catastrophic might be happening nearby.
You grab the children.
You find the dog.
You forget the phone charger.
You spend hours wondering whether your house is safe.
Then you hear the people being investigated have been released.
At that point you don’t even need terrorism counselling.
You need a customer-service representative.
“Thank you for calling British Counterterrorism. Your security is important to us.”
Press one if you have discovered a suspicious package.
Press two if your village has been evacuated.
Press three if the people whose activities triggered the evacuation have already beaten you home.
British Bureaucracy Meets Counterterrorism: Britain Does Not Do Drama Without Administration
This is the essential British genius.
Other countries have security crises.
Britain has security crises followed by procedure.
There could be helicopters overhead, armed police blocking the road and every television reporter in Europe standing in Gloucestershire, and somewhere a civil servant will still ask:
“Has anybody completed Form CT-47B?”
“No, Gary, we’re dealing with a potential terrorist incident.”
“Yes, but CT-47B is required whenever the incident involves three or more commercial vehicles.”
Nobody defeats bureaucracy.
Nobody.
Caesar couldn’t do it.
Napoleon couldn’t do it.
The Luftwaffe couldn’t do it.
Try applying to alter a listed building.
You’ll surrender by Thursday.
Explaining British Bail to Americans: The Anglo-American Special Relationship at RAF Fairford
RAF Fairford is used by the United States military.
This means somebody eventually had to explain the British process to Americans.
America:
“You arrested five guys near our bomber base?”
Britain:
“Yes.”
“Counterterrorism?”
“Yes.”
“Possible explosives?”
“Under investigation.”
“Possible foreign connection?”
“Also under investigation.”
“So where are the suspects?”
“Released.”
There would be silence.
Not ordinary silence.
American silence.
The kind where somebody from Texas slowly takes off his sunglasses.
“They’re WHERE?”
“On bail.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means they’ve been permitted to leave under stringent conditions.”
“What conditions?”
“They cannot do certain things.”
“Was attacking an airbase already one of the things people weren’t allowed to do?”
“Technically.”
And there ends the Anglo-American special relationship.
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Meets Britain Until Proven Sensible
Of course, the five men have not been convicted.
They have not been charged.
The investigation continues.
That distinction matters.
Bail is not acquittal, and suspicion is not guilt, a principle the Crown Prosecution Service would recognise.
But satire lives in the magnificent canyon between the language used during the emergency and the language used when everyone starts going home.
Sunday morning:
MAJOR INCIDENT.
Monday afternoon:
Please comply with your bail conditions.
Britain somehow turned a possible international security investigation into something that sounds like a dispute over an improperly installed garden shed.
The Farmer Still Wins: Why Local Knowledge Beats Surveillance Technology
Whatever investigators ultimately conclude, the farmer deserves recognition for demonstrating the most reliable principle in British public life:
When something strange happens, government technology may be useful, but eventually you need somebody local who knows what normal looks like.
Three vans?
Masked men?
Middle of the night?
Near a strategic military installation?
You don’t need a PhD in intelligence studies.
You need a functioning eyebrow.
The eyebrow goes up.
The phone comes out.
Britain mobilises.
And several hours later five suspects discover that even counterterrorism apparently contains a checkout procedure.
Britain’s New National Security Slogan
Britain therefore requires a revised national motto.
Not:
Keep Calm and Carry On.
Too old.
Not:
Too confident.
The updated slogan should be:
See It.
Say It.
Arrest It.
Evacuate It.
Investigate It.
Bail It.
Continue Making Enquiries.
It doesn’t fit on a poster.
But it will look magnificent on a government PDF.
15 Humorous Observations on Britain’s Counterterrorism Bail
- Britain apparently has two terrorism threat levels: Severe and Severe But Home Before Dinner.
- Five men can be arrested on suspicion of preparing a terrorist act near a strategic military airbase, yet somewhere in Britain a man who forgot to pay a £2.80 parking charge is still hiding from enforcement officers.
- Armed police descended on the scene, bomb disposal experts investigated three vans, residents were evacuated and somebody eventually said, “Well, we can’t keep these gentlemen forever.”
- British bail conditions are the legal equivalent of your mother saying, “You can go out, but I want you back before eleven, and absolutely no international incidents.”
- Nothing reassures the public like the phrase “stringent bail conditions.” It sounds powerful because nobody knows what it means.
- The suspects reportedly remain restricted in their movement and contact with others, suggesting counterterrorism has borrowed its disciplinary system from a boarding school.
- A local farmer noticed something suspicious and called police, once again proving British national security ultimately depends on somebody looking out a kitchen window and saying, “That doesn’t look right.”
- Britain spends billions on surveillance, intelligence agencies and military security, but the crucial technology was apparently a farmer with eyes.
- Eighty-five households were evacuated, demonstrating that even people who had nothing to do with the incident received harsher accommodation arrangements than the men being investigated.
- The government convenes emergency meetings while the suspects receive bail, which is what happens when one half of the state watches 24 and the other half watches Antiques Roadshow.
- Britain has mastered the bureaucratic miracle of simultaneously describing something as extremely serious and sufficiently manageable for everyone involved to sleep in their own beds.
- Police stressed that release does not mean the investigation is over, presumably because otherwise everyone might mistake the scene involving armed officers and counterterrorism detectives for speed dating.
- Possible foreign-state involvement is being investigated, although international espionage traditionally works better when you avoid getting noticed by a farmer.
- Britain used to defend military bases with soldiers. Modern Britain apparently supplements them with WhatsApp neighbourhood groups.
- The real lesson is that in Britain you should never underestimate the government’s ability to transform an international security incident into a matter involving forms, conditions and somebody saying, “We’ll be in touch.”
Disclaimer
This is satire commenting on the public reporting, official response and procedural contrast surrounding the RAF Fairford investigation. The five men discussed remain suspects, have not been convicted, and remain under investigation.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to rational government administration is probably coincidental.
SOURCE: NBC News
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
