Financial Institution Confident That Stating Goal Replaces App Functionality
London
A major British bank has announced a new mobile banking initiative: stating that “mobile banking should work,” with leadership expressing confidence that this goal-statement somehow improves their non-functional banking application.
“We’re improving banking,” the CEO announced. “Mobile banking should work. We’ve determined this. Our goal is clear.”
The “initiative” consists of: stating that mobile banking should be functional, making zero actual app improvements, celebrating goal-statement as technological advancement.
Mobile banking requires functioning technology; goal-statements without app development don’t improve functionality. The bank apparently believes aspiration replaces development.
“Working mobile banking is our vision,” one executive explained. “We’ve articulated this vision. Users should appreciate our clearly-stated goals.”
When asked when mobile banking will actually function, the bank responded: “We’ve stated it should work. That’s the plan. Implementation is separate from vision-stating.”
Mobile banking remains non-functional. The bank celebrates: “We’ve made clear that it should work. The app not working is users’ problem for expecting function.”
Functional software requires development, testing, and bug-fixingnot goal-statement alone. The bank has confused aspiration with implementation.
“We’re technology leaders,” the bank concluded. “Our goal that mobile banking should work demonstrates commitment. The fact it doesn’t demonstrates users’ unrealistic expectations.”
Staff Writer at The London Prat
Peter Cook would have recognized this immediately as the dystopian endpoint of everything he was warning about in 1960. Then he would have drank himself to death earlier.
The thing about partners frustrated with its obsession is they’re essentially saying “my significant other has replaced conversation with satire.”