Pro-Business Conservatism: Awaiting The Chancellor’s Lunch

Whatever Is Good For The FTSE Is Good For Tea

Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.

The Pro-Business Conservative believes whatever is good for the FTSE 100 is good for the country, and whatever is good for the country is good for him, ideally before the markets close. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from the CBI and the Financial Times.

Twenty Tells: Spotting The Pro-Business Conservative On A British High Street

1. Has explained business is the engine, the brake, and the upholstery.
2. Refers to the CBI the way some men refer to a slightly tired father.
3. Holds any new tax is a betrayal that has not yet been forgiven.
4. Maintains a fantasy in which the Chancellor takes him for lunch.
5. Refers to red tape the way other people refer to bindweed.
6. Treats a public-private partnership as a sort of grown-up flirtation.
7. Maintains a binder of FTSE annual reports.
8. Refers to environmental regulation as the slow tax.
9. Holds any planning system can be improved by a really firm letter.
10. Has explained, at a wedding, that growth is also a moral category.
11. Refers to corporation tax as the polite extortion.
12. Treats any minister without business experience as a sort of intern.
13. Refers to the City of London as the village I work in.
14. Maintains a fantasy in which The Telegraph calls.
15. Holds the cure for the country is a slightly more grateful workforce.
16. Refers to public services as the bit we pay for through tax.
17. Treats any strike as a soft scandal.
18. Maintains a strong view on directors’ fees.
19. Refers to the Bank of England the way some men refer to a sensible aunt.
20. Believes the country needs more entrepreneurs, slightly less Westminster.

Editor’s Note

If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Tory association AGM, a Reform UK rally above a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Daily Mash.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Cyndi Himmelstiere is a satirical journalist at Prat.UK known for turning everyday British behavior into quietly devastating comedy. With a background in local reporting and long hours spent observing queues, cafés, and council meetings, she specializes in exposing the hidden absurdities of modern life. Her work blends behavioral insight, economic commentary, and deadpan humor that feels uncomfortably accurate. Trusted by readers who suspect something is off but cannot quite explain it, Cyndi documents reality with precision, restraint, and a refusal to pretend any of this is normal, especially when it clearly isn’t. She is the author of Could Modern Doctors Have Saved History’s Greats?