Soft Socialist Liberalism: Reads The Beveridge Index

Socialist In Brackets, Crosland On Sundays

Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.

The Soft Socialist Liberal believes capitalism is fine, with curtains, supervision, and a small daily apology to the unions. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from Britannica on social democracy and the Fabian Society.

Twenty Tells: Spotting The Soft Socialist Liberal On A British High Street

1. Refers to himself as a socialist with brackets around it.
2. Holds the cure for the Tories is a Labour Party with a slight blush.
3. Has explained he reads the Financial Times, ironically.
4. Refers to mixed economies as the only honest economies.
5. Treats nationalisation as an instrument, not a faith.
6. Maintains a soft spot for John Stuart Mill on Tuesdays and Tony Crosland on Sundays.
7. Holds the Labour right was, often, accidentally right.
8. Refers to think tanks the way some men refer to old colleges.
9. Treats the Liberal Democrats as a useful conscience and a holiday option.
10. Has explained, with feeling, that he is not a centrist, just a sad social democrat.
11. Refers to taxation as a love story between the citizen and the state.
12. Maintains a fantasy in which the BBC interviews him for News at Ten.
13. Holds the welfare state should be expanded, audited, and given a hug.
14. Refers to the gilt market as a moody pet.
15. Treats public opinion as a sort of weather.
16. Has explained ideology is a phase he hopes to grow out of.
17. Refers to compromise as the slow, unsexy victory.
18. Maintains a copy of The Future of Socialism on a shelf where guests can see it.
19. Treats a strike as a useful but inconvenient verb.
20. Holds the cure for the country is calm, costed kindness.

Editor’s Note

If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Saturday CLP meeting, a Reform UK rally in a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Daily Mash.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/

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