Five Things the London Bulletin Will Inform You Of Immediately
There has been an announcement.
The announcement clarifies a previous announcement.
The clarification will be reviewed.
A committee has been formed to examine the review.
Everyone is thanked for their patience.
Posted To The Public Notice Board
The London Bulletin is not dramatic. It is official. It carries the tone of a laminated notice pinned to a cork board in a municipal hallway that smells faintly of photocopier ink and resolve.
According to Professor Eleanor Wicks of the Civic Communication Institute, 91.2 percent of Londoners recognize the tone of the Bulletin even if they cannot recall reading it. It speaks in administrative lullabies, she explains. You feel notified even if you are unsure about what.
An anonymous council staffer confided, We try to keep it clear. Clarity, however, is an evolving process.
The Poetry of Formal Language
The London Bulletin has perfected the art of dignified understatement. A pothole becomes a surface irregularity. A budget shortfall becomes a fiscal recalibration. A three hour power outage becomes a temporary interruption of service continuity.
A poll conducted outside a council office in Hammersmith found that 64 percent of respondents believe the phrase ongoing review translates to we are thinking about thinking.
One resident told me, When they say temporary, I make tea.
What The Funny People Are Saying
I love official statements. They sound like someone apologising with a thesaurus. — Jerry Seinfeld
In London, nothing fails. It transitions. — Ron White
If I ever get in trouble, I want my excuse written by the London Bulletin. — Sarah Silverman
Final Notice
The London Bulletin will continue to inform, clarify, and thank residents for their continued cooperation. It will describe developments with measured calm and acknowledge inconvenience with professional courtesy. And tomorrow, somewhere on a digital notice board or printed sheet, another statement will appear beginning with Residents are advised.
This article is a work of satire and social commentary, created entirely through a spirited human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Megan Amram is a standup comedian based in Portland, OR. She is a native of North London.
Mi abuela preguntó por qué me reía tanto. Dije: “Inglaterra.” Lo entendió completamente.