England Cricketer Ruled Out of Australia Tour Before First Ball; Team Physio Named Early Favourite for Player of the Series
Independent Panel Discovers Liverpool Were Denied Obvious Penalty Against Arsenal; VAR Requests Another 47 Camera Angles and Six Months to Think About It
British Employers Offer Higher Salaries but Stop Hiring; Economists Celebrate Historic Progress Towards a Workforce of One Extremely Well-Paid Employee
Aldi Cuts Hundreds of British Office Jobs to Save Money; Remaining Executives Celebrate Efficiency With Seven-Hour Meeting About Efficiency
Treasury Launches Investigation Into Leaked Bank Tax; Officials Determined to Discover Which Government Insider Forgot to Charge Bankers for the Information
Disabled Britons Wait Two Years for Wheelchairs; NHS Explains Patients Must Demonstrate They Can Get to Their Appointment First
Police Announce Crackdown on 500 Repeat Shoplifters; Supermarkets Furious Criminals Have Been Enjoying More Reliable Customer Service Than Paying Shoppers
British Universities Discover Students Have Been Outsourcing Their Thinking to AI; Professors Demand Return to Traditional Method of Pretending to Read Essays
Stamp Duty Harder Than Heaven, Kensington Buyer Tells HMRC
Hosepipe Ban Reaches a Greenwich Pensioner in the Rain
Conservatives Told Pension Triple Lock Could Require Retirement Age of 70; Westminster Finally Discovers the Financial Benefits of Working Until Death
Labour MPs Warn Burnham’s Ten-Year Plan Isn’t Socialist Enough; Prime Minister Promises to Nationalise Everything the Government Hasn’t Already Ruined
Andy Burnham Announces £12 Billion Offshore Wind Deal; Government Confirms Britain Can Now Generate Electricity Without Generating Any Prosperity
Luxury Developer Unveils a £40 Million Camel Needle
Civil Service Pay: Boss Who Arrived at 4:48 Wins Same Award
Royal Navy Launches First Squadron of Driverless Boats
Gas Standing Charge Abolished, Cost Moves House
Lanarkshire AI Data Centre Goes Green, Mostly
Home Office Tells EU Citizens Their Status Was a Typo
Brexit Border Posts Cost £100 Million, Never Opened

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