The London Prat

The Property Developer's Perspective: Humanity Reaches for Heaven, Then Attempts to Charge It Service Fees LONDON BRIDGE, LONDON: The Almighty has reportedly expressed concern that London's property developers have resumed construction of the Tower of Babel, this time using Italian architects, Qatari investment and considerably more expensive glass. The investigation began when a heavenly inspection team noticed a 309.6-metre building rising above London Bridge. According to The Shard's official architectural specifications, the building has 95 storeys, 36 lifts and enough glass to give a window cleaner a nervous breakdown. God reportedly recognised the concept immediately. "Didn't we already discuss this in Genesis?" A heavenly planning officer confirmed that humanity had previously attempted a similar project in Babylon, where people decided to build a tower reaching heaven and establish an impressive reputation for themselves. The Almighty responded by confusing their languages. Unfortunately, nobody anticipated the invention of property developers. Heaven Discovers the Penthouse Is Already Reserved The investigation intensified when developers explained that The Shard was not technically an attempt to invade heaven. "It's a mixed-use commercial development," insisted property consultant Rupert Worthington. "That means it's completely different from Babylon." Asked what the original Babylonians wanted, Worthington admitted that they hoped to establish their importance by constructing an extraordinarily tall building. "And what are you doing?" "Establishing London's importance by constructing extraordinarily tall buildings." The consultant insisted the similarities were coincidental. God requested access to the upper floors. Management asked whether he had a reservation. When informed that the visitor had created the universe, the receptionist explained that this did not automatically include complimentary access to private hospitality facilities. "Even the Almighty needs to appreciate operating costs." The Tower of Babel Gets Planning Permission The original Genesis 11:1-9 account of the Tower of Babel describes a society so determined to make a name for itself that heaven intervened. London developers consider this evidence of poor stakeholder management. Had the Babylonians employed a modern consultancy, they argue, the original tower might have survived. A planning statement would have described the project as a sustainable mixed-use spiritual destination. An environmental assessment would have identified potential concerns about disturbing angels. A heritage consultant would have explained that heaven's existing skyline could benefit from sympathetic redevelopment. And a public relations agency would have organised a groundbreaking ceremony involving celebrities who had never read Genesis. The result would have been a 900-page planning application nobody could understand. God Discovers London Has Already Solved the Language Problem The heavenly inspection team considered repeating the original punishment by confusing London's languages. A transport adviser pointed out that London already speaks hundreds of them. The Almighty then proposed making communication impossible. A Londoner explained that this had already been achieved through council planning consultations, recorded telephone menus and British railway announcements. God considered scattering the population. The property consultant objected that international buyers were essential to maintaining property values. Eventually, heaven declined to intervene. The inspectors concluded that London had already accomplished everything Babylon intended, including reaching towards heaven, glorifying its wealthiest residents and making ordinary communication unnecessarily difficult. The only difference was that the Babylonians had stopped building when nobody could understand anyone else. London had appointed a communications consultant and carried on. Editorial Disclaimer This report sends a heavenly inspection team to London Bridge. The Shard, its official specifications and the Genesis account are real and linked; the inspectors, Rupert Worthington, the receptionist and the 900-page planning application for heaven are comic inventions. God has not yet booked a table on the upper floors, but readers can enjoy more satire in the British Onion tradition from ground level, no reservation required. This work is presented as an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. The lesson of Genesis 11:1-9: The Babylonians stopped building when nobody could understand anyone else. London turned the problem into a consultancy business and charged for the feasibility study.

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