First Stone Permits Could Close Parliament Until 2097
Rugby Super League Expands to 15 Clubs; Officials Introduce Competitive Bye Week After Discovering Odd Numbers Have Consequences
England Cricketer Ruled Out of Australia Tour Before First Ball; Team Physio Named Early Favourite for Player of the Series
Independent Panel Discovers Liverpool Were Denied Obvious Penalty Against Arsenal; VAR Requests Another 47 Camera Angles and Six Months to Think About It
British Employers Offer Higher Salaries but Stop Hiring; Economists Celebrate Historic Progress Towards a Workforce of One Extremely Well-Paid Employee
Aldi Cuts Hundreds of British Office Jobs to Save Money; Remaining Executives Celebrate Efficiency With Seven-Hour Meeting About Efficiency
Treasury Launches Investigation Into Leaked Bank Tax; Officials Determined to Discover Which Government Insider Forgot to Charge Bankers for the Information
Disabled Britons Wait Two Years for Wheelchairs; NHS Explains Patients Must Demonstrate They Can Get to Their Appointment First
Police Announce Crackdown on 500 Repeat Shoplifters; Supermarkets Furious Criminals Have Been Enjoying More Reliable Customer Service Than Paying Shoppers
British Universities Discover Students Have Been Outsourcing Their Thinking to AI; Professors Demand Return to Traditional Method of Pretending to Read Essays
Stamp Duty Harder Than Heaven, Kensington Buyer Tells HMRC
Hosepipe Ban Reaches a Greenwich Pensioner in the Rain
Conservatives Told Pension Triple Lock Could Require Retirement Age of 70; Westminster Finally Discovers the Financial Benefits of Working Until Death
Labour MPs Warn Burnham’s Ten-Year Plan Isn’t Socialist Enough; Prime Minister Promises to Nationalise Everything the Government Hasn’t Already Ruined
Andy Burnham Announces £12 Billion Offshore Wind Deal; Government Confirms Britain Can Now Generate Electricity Without Generating Any Prosperity
Luxury Developer Unveils a £40 Million Camel Needle
Civil Service Pay: Boss Who Arrived at 4:48 Wins Same Award
Royal Navy Launches First Squadron of Driverless Boats
Gas Standing Charge Abolished, Cost Moves House
Lanarkshire AI Data Centre Goes Green, Mostly

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