The London Prat

London Firebomb Fails to Ignite

Astrid HolgerssonNovember 11, 2019

London Firebomb Fails to Ignite, British Politeness Suspected in Arson Plot The Attack That Apologised First In a development described by officials as “deeply concerning, but also strangely underwhelming,” an attempted arson attack on Finchley Reform Synagogue has left Londoners grappling with a terrifying new reality: even hate crimes are now struggling to meet minimum performance standards. Authorities confirmed that two individuals — dressed in dark clothing and balaclavas, which at least…

Locations

Cranham: Where London Politely Forgets It Exists

Fiona MacLeodNovember 10, 2019

Cranham: Where London Politely Forgets It Exists | A Ruthlessly Gentle Satire of Cranham’s Space, Silence, and Suburban Self-Control

Reports

Britain Expands University Places

Harper ThamesNovember 6, 2019

Britain Expands University Places | Asks Politely Where All the Clever People Will Sit

Reports

London 7/7 Remembered as the Day Normality Was Interrupted

Alan NafzgerNovember 5, 2019

London 7/7 Remembered as the Day Normality Was Interrupted | London 7/7 Explained as Collective Shock With Lasting Quiet

Reports

London United Kingdom Explained as City, Country, and Concept

Lotte HeidenreichNovember 1, 2019

London United Kingdom Explained as City, Country, and Concept | London United Kingdom Defined as More Than One Thing at Once

Tourism

Mercato Mayfair London: A Food Hall In A Glorious Old Church

Charlotte WhitmoreOctober 28, 2019

Mercato Mayfair London: A Food Hall In A Glorious Old Church | Mercato mayfair london is the striking food hall set inside a grand deconsecrated church, where diners feast beneath soaring arches and stained glass.

Reports

London Fog Trench Coat Remains the City’s Most Honest Costume

Tinsel VandergraphOctober 26, 2019

London Fog Trench Coat Remains the City’s Most Honest Costume | London Fog Trench Coat Explained to People Who Dress for Possibility

Locations

Whitecross Street Market London: A Lunchtime Feast

Mei Lin ChenOctober 23, 2019

Whitecross Street Market London: A Lunchtime Feast | Whitecross street market london is the bustling weekday street-food market near the Barbican, a lunchtime stampede of workers to a line of stalls.

Current Absurdities Entertainment Royals

Meghan and Harry Reportedly Discover Privacy

Aishwarya RaoOctober 19, 2019

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Reportedly Discover Privacy Is Frightfully Difficult When You Keep Reporting About It Somewhere between a Montecito brunch and a Netflix brainstorming session that apparently went nowhere near a spreadsheet, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have reportedly entered the most exhausting phase of modern celebrity life: being “done with drama” whilst starring in it full-time. Recent reports suggest Meghan has been fielding multiple rather lucrative memoir offers…

Political

Government Launches Initiative

JunglepussyOctober 17, 2019

Government Launches Initiative To Restore Confidence In Initiatives New Programme Addresses Public Scepticism About New Programmes Ministers have unveiled an ambitious initiative designed to rebuild public faith in governmental initiatives, following decades of initiatives failing to achieve their initiative-based objectives. The programme, announced with considerable fanfare and minimal detail, aims to demonstrate that this time, unlike all previous times, things will definitely be different. Taskforce Established to Prove Taskforces Work…

Reports

London Bridge Is Falling Down Lyrics Continue Confusing Children

Tinsel VandergraphOctober 12, 2019

London Bridge Is Falling Down Lyrics Continue Confusing Children | London Bridge Lyrics Explained to People Expecting Structural Failure

Reports

London Airport Code System Proves Three Letters Can Cause Panic

Lotte HeidenreichOctober 10, 2019

London Airport Code System Proves Three Letters Can Cause Panic | London Airport Codes Explained as Geography’s Guessing Game

America Culture News

Starmer Wants Psych Drugs

Alan NafzgerOctober 10, 2019

Starmer Wants Psych Drugs for UK Elections Too Trump Promises PM His Next “Fix” as Special Relationship Quietly Rebrands as Supply Chain LONDON – Sir Keir Starmer has formally requested that the White House share its new psychedelic voter outreach initiative with the United Kingdom, Downing Street confirmed on Wednesday, in what Number 10 is describing as a natural extension of the special relationship and what Washington is describing, off…

History

London Windmills: The Surviving Sails Above The City

Yasmina KhanOctober 9, 2019

London Windmills: The Surviving Sails Above The City | London windmills are the handful of grand old windmills that still rise above the city’s commons and green corners, lovingly preserved.

Locations

Poplar: Where London Does the Work Without the Applause

Mei Lin ChenOctober 7, 2019

Poplar: Where London Does the Work Without the Applause | A Grounded Satire of Poplar’s Housing, History, and Everyday Determination

History

London Gasholders: The Great Iron Frames On The Skyline

Mei Lin ChenOctober 3, 2019

London Gasholders: The Great Iron Frames On The Skyline | London gasholders are the towering iron-framed structures that once stored the city’s gas, vast Victorian cages now reborn as homes and parks.

Business Social Technology

AI Chatbots Making Britain Stupider

Alan NafzgerOctober 3, 2019

AI Chatbots Could Be Making Britain Stupider, Experts Confirm After Reading Comments Section Nation Shocked to Learn Outsourcing Brainwork Means Brain May Seek Redundancy LONDON — Britain awoke in a fog of national concern this morning after researchers suggested that relying too heavily on AI chatbots could reduce critical thinking, memory, and creativity. The announcement stunned millions of readers, most of whom had just used a chatbot to explain the announcement…

Current Absurdities

London Squirrels: The City’s Bold And Brazen Park Dwellers

Asha MwangiSeptember 19, 2019

London Squirrels: The City’s Bold And Brazen Park Dwellers | London squirrels are the cheeky grey acrobats that rule the city’s parks, fearless opportunists who beg, raid picnics and bury acorns at speed.

Current Absurdities

London Courtyards: The Hidden Calm Behind The Busy Streets

Violet WoolfSeptember 12, 2019

London Courtyards: The Hidden Calm Behind The Busy Streets | London courtyards are the tranquil hidden squares and enclosed yards tucked behind the city’s bustling streets, secret pockets of calm.

Tourism

London Window Boxes: The City’s Tiny Bursts Of Colour

Morag SinclairSeptember 5, 2019

London Window Boxes: The City’s Tiny Bursts Of Colour | London window boxes are the cheerful little gardens blooming on the city’s windowsills and ledges, tiny bursts of flowers that brighten grey streets.

Business News Technology

Britain Has “Lost the Internet”

Violet WoolfSeptember 5, 2019

Britain Has “Lost the Internet” — A Real News Story Told Through Ridiculously British Lenses Britain has reportedly lost the internet — like queue discipline, the Empire, and any hope of a summer without rain — according to senior officials at the National Cyber Security Centre. UK cyber experts warn that Britain is so dependent on US tech firms for cloud computing and AI that storing any data fully on British…

Tourism

Seven Dials Market London: A Feast In A Banana Warehouse

Morag SinclairAugust 31, 2019

Seven Dials Market London: A Feast In A Banana Warehouse | Seven dials market london is the buzzing indoor food hall in Covent Garden, a former banana warehouse packed with dozens of independent traders.