Burnham Says Britain Can’t Carry On as It Is, Proposes Exciting New Era of Discussing How Britain Might Eventually Stop Carrying On as It Is | Government Attacks Political Drift by Commissioning a Roadmap Explaining the Timetable for Considering Movement
Labour Sends Party to Veterinarian After Strategist Discovers Colony of Political Parasites Living in the Manifesto Experts Recommend Deworming, Strong Tea, and a Quiet Read of Keith Joseph’s Collected Speeches LONDON — Alarm spread through Labour’s senior offices this week after a party strategist described hard-left candidates as “parasites,” accidentally triggering what historians believe to be the first medical emergency ever diagnosed during a policy awayday in a Travelodge conference room in…
BREAKING: Keir Starmer’s Next Career Officially Declared Missing — Britain Asked to Check Behind Sofa Cushions ⚡ BREAKING NEWS — 22 June 2026 | The London Prat LONDON — It’s over. Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Britain is now, officially, on its seventh leader in ten years. He stood outside Downing Street on Monday morning, said the words, informed King Charles III, and that was more or less that.…
No Policy Changes, Just New Con-Man at the Head of Labour LONDON — Labour has entered its traditional moment of spiritual renewal, which, for those unfamiliar with the ritual, involves removing one face from the podium, attaching a different face, and asking the nation to feel something hopeful about the woodwork. Keir Starmer is reportedly out. Andy Burnham is reportedly in. And the British public is being asked to believe the washing machine…
7 Reasons Labour Keeps Getting It Wrong: A Century of Trying Very Hard and Making It Worse LONDON — Labour has been getting things wrong for so long it has developed a kind of institutional muscle memory for it. Like a man who keeps walking into the same glass door, the party doesn’t lack confidence. It lacks a different door. What follows is not an attack. It is a historical service.…
Labour Party Unity Collapse Markets LONDON — Financial markets trembled Monday after senior Labour figures assured the country that the party was “completely united,” a phrase experienced Britons immediately recognised as Westminster’s equivalent of hearing, “Everything is under control,” moments before a smoke alarm begins singing Jerusalem in a pitch only dogs can detect. Traders in London reportedly paused their screens, removed their glasses, pinched the bridge of their noses, and quietly whispered, “Uh-oh.”…
⬤ LONDON | BREAKING: AGAIN ⬤ Keir Starmer Resigns, Britain Forced to Learn Name of Yet Another Prime Minister Historians Update Flowcharts for Seventh Time This Decade as Nation’s Pencil Supply Reaches Critical Levels Britain awoke on Monday to discover that Prime Minister Keir Starmer had resigned, triggering the traditional national pastime of trying to remember who is running the country this week — and whether the photograph hanging in government offices needs…
Keir Starmer Resigns; Burnham’s Tape Measure Vindicated LONDON — THE LONDON PRAT — Keir Starmer resigned as Prime Minister on Monday morning, thereby confirming what the tape measure found near the Number 10 curtains had been trying to tell us all along. Standing outside Downing Street in the manner of a man who had rehearsed his dignity until it was absolutely watertight, Starmer said he accepted “with good grace” that his party no…
Whitehall Defends Overseas Research Programme By Asking, “Would You Prefer The Germs Remain Unsupervised?” LONDON — British officials found themselves in the unusual position this week of commenting on revelations from the United States that dozens of overseas biolaboratories had received American support, prompting Whitehall to reassure the public that, whatever Britain may or may not be doing, it is undoubtedly being managed through a committee that meets on alternate Thursdays…
