Britain’s Top 10 Email Scams Meet 20 British Replies That Could Drive a Con Artist to Early Retirement
Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They’ve Contacted People Who Have Nothing Better to Do Than Argue With Them.
LONDON — Britain’s email scammers face a new occupational hazard: pensioners, plumbers, retired civil servants and men from Yorkshire who regard wasting another man’s time as a public service.
The ten scams below are recognisable UK email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The National Cyber Security Centre’s guidance on phishing and the FTC’s guidance on impersonation scams describe many of these tactics, and between them they cover most of what lands in a British inbox before the kettle has boiled.
Scammers play a numbers game. Send a million emails, wait for one tired person to click. What the criminals never plan for is the other 999,999, a good few of whom have been sitting by the phone since 2009 hoping someone, anyone, would ring about the boiler. Here is what happens when the wrong pensioner answers.
The Ten Most Common UK Email Scams and Twenty Spectacularly Unhelpful British Replies
1. The Nigerian Prince Email Scam: Mrs Pritchard and Mr Twistleton Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Beloved Friend,
I am Prince Emmanuel of Nigeria. My late father has left $18,500,000 in a secret account. I wish to transfer this fortune to you. Kindly send your bank details and £450 for legal processing.
God bless you.
Reply A: Mrs Mavis Pritchard, 84, retired schoolteacher, Tunbridge Wells
Dear Prince Emmanuel,
How lovely to hear from royalty. My late husband was also a prince, although mostly at the dog track in Romford.
Before accepting your fortune, I must establish whether you have ever been convicted of a parking offence, whether you eat peas with a fork, and whether your family has any hereditary problems with bunions.
I take inherited wealth very seriously. My sister inherited a greenhouse and we’ve not spoken since 1987.
Reply B: Reginald Twistleton, retired Foreign Office clerk
Your Highness,
Under British inheritance regulations, overseas princes must first be approved by the Parish Council.
Please supply a family tree going back to Henry VIII, three references from reigning monarchs, and a photograph of yourself holding a haddock.
Applications without haddock will not be considered.
2. The HMRC Tax Refund Scam Email Nobody Believes
THE SCAM EMAIL
HM Revenue & Customs
You are eligible for a tax refund of £1,847.63. Your refund will expire within 24 hours unless you confirm your banking information immediately.
Reply A: Barry Pickles, Leeds plumber
Dear HMRC,
You’ve made a mistake. The tax office has never voluntarily returned anything to me except a letter demanding more.
Before I believe this, please answer a security question.
What is the name of the Chancellor who last made an ordinary British working man feel financially secure?
Take your time. Historians are still looking.
Reply B: Doris Wainwright, Birmingham pensioner
Dear Tax People,
I’m delighted you’ve found £1,847.
While you’re looking, could you find the £36,000 I’ve paid you since 1972 and explain why my local council still can’t empty a bin?
Please refund the money in cash. I’ll collect it from Parliament. Ask whichever minister is currently resigning to have it ready.
Back in the real world, HMRC publishes examples of phishing emails, texts and phone calls and asks people to forward suspicious emails to [email protected].
3. The Royal Mail Parcel Scam Email That Cannot Be Delivered
THE SCAM EMAIL
ROYAL MAIL DELIVERY NOTICE
We attempted to deliver your parcel but your address is incomplete. Pay £2.95 and update your information to prevent return to sender.
Reply A: Albert Higgins, retired postman, Croydon
Dear Royal Mail,
I’ve lived at this address for 51 years.
If you’ve lost my house, it’s the one between number 16 and number 20.
It’s number 18.
I appreciate numbers are complicated, but this is why we put them on the buildings.
Reply B: Lady Penelope Featherstone, Chelsea
How unfortunate.
Please leave the parcel with my butler, Henderson. If Henderson is unavailable, leave it with my second butler, also Henderson.
If both Hendersons are absent, release the parcel into the moat.
The crocodiles have been instructed to accept deliveries between nine and five.
4. The Fake Bank Security Alert Email: Your Account Has Been Suspended
THE SCAM EMAIL
URGENT SECURITY ALERT
We have detected unusual activity on your bank account. Your account will be frozen unless you immediately confirm your identity and payment details.
Reply A: Colin Broughton, Yorkshire electrician
Dear Bank,
You say you’ve detected unusual activity.
So have I.
Someone charged me £7.80 for a pint in London.
Kindly arrest whoever authorised it. I’ll provide a witness statement and the name of the pub.
Reply B: Gladys McNulty, Newcastle widow
Dear Sir,
My account has been frozen?
Excellent.
Please explain to British Gas that the money is being held hostage and may not be released until they’ve apologised for my January bill.
Could you freeze my council tax while you’re at it? It’s been behaving suspiciously for years.
5. The Microsoft Tech Support Scam Email: Your Computer Has a Virus
THE SCAM EMAIL
MICROSOFT SECURITY WARNING
Your computer has been infected with dangerous viruses. Our certified support team can remove them immediately. Please contact our technician and authorise remote access.
Reply A: Arthur Bell, 89, retired railway signalman
Dear Microsoft,
My computer is an Amstrad from 1986.
It hasn’t worked since Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister.
If you’ve managed to infect it remotely, you are the most talented people in the history of computing.
Please fix the printer while you’re in there. It keeps printing everything in purple.
Reply B: Trevor ‘Big Trev’ Watkins, Bristol
Dear Technician,
Thank God you’ve contacted me.
The computer has been making strange noises, displaying smoke, and occasionally asking whether I’d like toast.
My grandson says it’s actually a microwave.
Could you remove the virus without disturbing the lasagne?
6. The Romance Scam Email From a Beautiful Woman Who Has Fallen Madly in Love With You
THE SCAM EMAIL
My Dearest Love,
My name is Anastasia. I am 28, beautiful, lonely, and looking for an honest British gentleman. Your photograph touched my heart. Unfortunately, I need £1,200 for an airline ticket so that we can finally be together.
Reply A: Stanley Cooper, 76, retired bus driver, Essex
Dear Anastasia,
I’m delighted to hear you’re in love with me.
My wife has been trying to find something attractive about me since 1974.
Please send her your findings. She’s especially interested in what you see in my ears.
Yours romantically, Stanley.
Reply B: Malcolm Finch, retired accountant
Darling Anastasia,
Before purchasing your ticket, you should know I’m terribly high-maintenance.
I need three meals daily, someone to watch Antiques Roadshow with me, and a woman prepared to listen to an eighteen-minute explanation of why supermarket tomatoes were better in 1963.
I also have an enlarged prostate and a collection of 4,000 railway timetables.
Still interested, my little cabbage?
7. The International Lottery Scam Email You Never Entered
THE SCAM EMAIL
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your email address has been selected as the winner of €4,500,000 in the European International Lottery. To release your winnings, kindly pay the mandatory £650 verification fee.
Reply A: Nigel Cartwright, retired mathematics lecturer, Oxford
Dear Lottery Office,
How extraordinary. I’ve won a competition without entering.
Could you also notify Cambridge University that I’ve obtained a doctorate in astrophysics without attending?
And if you’re distributing achievements without effort, I’d like a Wimbledon title and the ability to understand my wife’s moods.
Reply B: Fred ‘The Ferret’ Dobson, pub landlord, Manchester
Dear Sir,
I don’t believe in paying money to receive money.
That’s the tax system, and we’ve already got one.
Kindly deduct the £650 from the winnings and send the remaining £4,499,350 to my local pub.
Tell them it’s my tab. They may ask whether you’ve got any more.
8. The CEO Fraud Email: The Boss Who Suddenly Needs £500 in Gift Cards
THE SCAM EMAIL
Hi, this is your Managing Director.
I’m currently in an important meeting and cannot speak. I need you to purchase £500 in Apple gift cards for a confidential client presentation. Email me the codes immediately. Do not tell anyone.
Reply A: Sharon Briggs, office manager, Wolverhampton
Dear Boss,
Of course.
Before making the purchase, please confirm which company you manage.
I’ve worked in a funeral home for 23 years, and the last director asking for £500 in Apple gift cards was buried in February.
If this is Mr Jenkins, sir, your wife would like to know where you’ve been keeping the money.
Reply B: Derek Small, corporate compliance officer
Certainly, Chief.
Corporate procedure requires you to complete Form GC-14, Gift Card Emergency Request.
The form must be countersigned by Finance, Legal, Human Resources, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the bloke who fixes the photocopier.
Brian’s off until Thursday.
Your urgent request will therefore be treated with the customary level of urgency.
9. The Work-From-Home Job Scam Email Paying £800 a Day
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Candidate,
You have been selected for an exclusive remote employment position earning £800 daily. No experience required. Work just one hour per day. To begin, pay £95 for registration and training materials.
Reply A: Keith ‘Spanners’ Wilkins, unemployed mechanic, Sheffield
Dear Recruitment Team,
£800 a day for one hour of work?
I’m interested, but that seems a bit low for a British consultant.
Could I work for nine minutes a week, claim twelve business lunches and employ my brother-in-law as Head of Not Turning Up?
He’s got 30 years of experience.
Reply B: Mrs Ethel Barnes, 91, retired headmistress
Dear Employer,
I accept your generous offer.
However, I shall require six weeks’ annual leave, a final-salary pension, private dental insurance and a company bicycle.
My previous employment ended in 1989 when the local education authority decided that hitting the blackboard with a slipper was no longer an acceptable performance review.
I remain available for management positions.
10. The Cryptocurrency Investment Scam Email Promising Guaranteed Wealth
THE SCAM EMAIL
EXCLUSIVE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY
Our revolutionary cryptocurrency platform guarantees 300% returns in just seven days. Deposit £1,000 today and watch your wealth multiply. Risk-free investment. Limited availability.
Reply A: Lord Rupert Waddington, hereditary aristocrat, Hampshire
Dear Investment Adviser,
Three hundred per cent in one week?
Splendid.
My family has been losing money on agricultural land since 1682.
May I invest three goats, a collapsing stable and the hereditary right to collect tolls on a bridge which no longer exists?
I understand digital assets are fashionable, but I prefer assets that occasionally produce milk.
Reply B: Dave ‘Two Pints’ Murphy, retired bricklayer, Liverpool
Dear Crypto Expert,
I’ve been investing in things I don’t understand for years.
My marriage, for example.
Put £1,000 into that in 1982. Forty-four years later, I’ve lost the house, the car, half my pension and the right to choose what’s on television.
Can Bitcoin beat those returns?
If not, I’ll stick with the wife. She’s already decentralised my finances.
The Financial Conduct Authority runs ScamSmart, which includes a warning list of firms to avoid before anyone hands over a penny to a “guaranteed” investment.
The British Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense Proposes a National Counter-Fraud Plan
Following the correspondence, the British Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense has proposed an ambitious national counter-fraud programme.
Rather than spending millions on cybersecurity infrastructure, the government would assign each suspected scammer a retired British person with unlimited tea and no interest in leaving the house.
Scammers contacting Mrs Pritchard would receive detailed accounts of her hip replacement. Romance fraudsters would be required to attend her niece’s wedding in Wolverhampton. Cryptocurrency promoters would be asked to explain blockchain to Arthur Bell, whose principal objection to online banking is that money should make a noise when dropped onto a counter.
The committee estimates that any criminal forced to explain a fake HMRC refund to a Yorkshire plumber for longer than six minutes would begin questioning his career choices.
Meanwhile, Reginald Twistleton has proposed requiring all overseas princes to apply for planning permission before moving their fortunes into Britain.
Britain’s pensioners have welcomed the proposals, although Mrs McNulty insists the real victory would be persuading scammers to ring the local council on her behalf.
“I’ve been trying to get somebody to answer the telephone for three years,” she explained. “If these criminals are so clever, let them have a go.”
15 Humorous Observations About Email Scammers
- A Nigerian prince wants to give you £8 million. Your actual relatives won’t lend you £20.
- HMRC suddenly wants to refund your money. That alone should trigger a police investigation.
- Royal Mail can’t deliver a parcel because your address is missing. Somehow they found your email address.
- Your bank has detected suspicious activity. Yes, you’ve been buying groceries in Britain.
- Microsoft says your computer has a virus. Your computer says it’s running Windows 7 and would welcome death.
- A beautiful 28-year-old woman loves you. You’ve been married 43 years and your wife barely tolerates you.
- You’ve won a lottery you never entered. Finally, an investment strategy that makes sense.
- Your boss needs £500 in gift cards. Apparently, the company’s accounts department has been replaced by Tesco.
- A stranger offers you £800 a day working from home. You’ve worked from home for 20 years and your wife still won’t pay you.
- Bitcoin will make you rich. So will selling Bitcoin courses to idiots.
- Every scammer has an urgent deadline. Even your doctor takes three weeks to call back.
- Every scammer is either a prince, a general, a billionaire or a beautiful widow. None of them can afford postage.
- Scammers are remarkably polite until you ask them to prove anything.
- Scammers demand confidentiality because their business model collapses the moment you show the email to your grandchildren.
- The best defence against email fraud may be a retired British schoolteacher with broadband, a cup of tea and absolutely no plans for the afternoon.
How to Report a Scam Email in the UK Before Anyone Actually Hits Reply
These are comedy exchanges, not recommended messages to send to real scammers. Replying confirms that an email address is active and can invite further fraud attempts.
The safer approach is to avoid clicking links, opening attachments or providing details. Forward suspicious emails to [email protected], the NCSC’s suspicious email reporting service, then delete them. Suspicious texts can be forwarded free to 7726.
If money has already gone, contact your bank straight away, then report the fraud to Report Fraud, the national service that replaced Action Fraud in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, or call 0300 123 2040. In Scotland, ring Police Scotland on 101.
Disclaimer
This article is satire, including the characters, correspondence and committee proceedings. It is presented as an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: https://www.ncsc.gov.uk/collection/phishing-scams/report-scam-email
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
