A Sensible Conservative With A Sigh
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.
The Strong Centre-Right Conservative believes capitalism is fine, the country is fine, and the only thing standing between Britain and a perfect Tuesday is a slightly stiffer manifesto and a Chancellor who returns calls. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from Conservative Home and The Times.
Twenty Tells: Spotting The Strong Centre-Right On A British High Street
- Maintains a fantasy in which the Tory party rediscovers shoes.
- Refers to himself as a sensible Conservative, with a sigh.
- Holds the cure for any economy is a competent Chancellor and a working printer.
- Has explained, at length, that the Conservative Party is fundamentally the country.
- Refers to the manifesto as the family album.
- Treats any Tory leader since 2016 as a sort of weather event.
- Maintains a binder titled what we should have done.
- Refers to the 1922 Committee the way some men refer to the boiler room.
- Holds any policy can be improved by a tighter budget.
- Maintains a soft spot for Conservative Home, a harder spot for the comments.
- Refers to the Reform UK voter as the cousin we should call.
- Treats any nationalised utility as a small sigh.
- Has explained, at a wedding, that the country is fundamentally sound.
- Refers to grammar schools as the missing bit.
- Holds any sentence about social mobility should end with grammar schools.
- Maintains a fantasy in which the Spring Statement is calm.
- Refers to the Civil Service as our patient colleagues.
- Treats any Tory MP under thirty as a sort of investment.
- Has explained the Conservative Party should be like the country, only Conservative.
- Believes the cure for the country is firm, kind, costed government.
Editor’s Note
If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Tory association AGM, a Reform UK rally above a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/
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