The London Prat

Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission Palace moves to protect Britain's centuries-old royal monopoly on charity after discovering former working prince continues working Reports that Prince William is "fuming" because Prince Harry appears to be behaving too much like a working royal have exposed one of Britain's least understood constitutional principles: once you leave official royal service, you may continue being royal, continue being Prince Harry, continue being the King's son and continue possessing the same face, but under absolutely no circumstances may you look productive near a charity. The report says William is irritated by Harry describing himself as still part of the Royal Family while carrying out public-service work, particularly following Harry's comments during a visit to Ukraine. The underlying claim comes from unnamed royal sources, not an official statement from William, so the palace intrigue should be treated accordingly. Nevertheless, it raises an important question. The logical conclusion is territorial charity rights: William gets rhinoceroses, Harry gets veterans, Anne gets horses, Charles keeps architecture, and anyone mentioning homelessness must first consult the Royal Foundation fixture list. - Alan Nafzger What exactly is Harry supposed to do? He is a prince. He has spent much of his adult life associated with military veterans, wounded service personnel, charitable organizations and the Invictus Games. But apparently the constitutional solution is now: stop looking royal while helping people. Harry may help. He simply mustn't help in a manner that resembles helping. This is Britain. We have reached the point where philanthropy requires stage directions. Buckingham Palace Discovers Charity Has Market Share Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission The reported royal objection centers on the possibility that Harry might create the impression of a "parallel royal operation." Parallel royal operation. Wonderful phrase. It sounds less like two brothers supporting charities and more like Harry has opened a competing Buckingham Palace behind a Tesco. "Welcome to Sussex Palace. Coronations upstairs, wounded veterans downstairs, Nectar points accepted Tuesday through Thursday." According to reporting on the dispute, William allegedly wants a very clear distinction between those formally representing the King and Harry and Meghan, who remain non-working royals pursuing their own activities. Fair enough. There is a distinction. William represents the Crown. Harry doesn't. Problem solved. We did it before lunch. Yet Britain being Britain, there must apparently be another 47 pages. The confusion begins when officials seem to treat the absence of an official royal role as though it should produce the absence of visible public service. That is quite a leap. When a retired firefighter rescues somebody from a pond, nobody screams: "IMPOSTOR! HE NO LONGER REPRESENTS THE MUNICIPAL FIRE AUTHORITY!" You just let him pull the child out. Harry Accused of Being Born Harry Harry's troublesome argument is devastatingly difficult for palace constitutional scholars because it contains biological evidence. He says he remains part of the Royal Family. Well. Yes. Unless the Windsors have developed a revolutionary new genealogy system where quitting your job changes your parents. Harry remains the son of King Charles III. He remains Diana's son. He remains William's brother. He remains Prince Harry. What changed in 2020 was his official function, not his DNA. Associated Press reporting on the King's recent clarification makes the formal position fairly clear: Harry and Meghan remain non-working members of the family, and their charitable activities are conducted privately rather than as official royal engagements — see AP News for the broader coverage of the royal family's official statements on working versus non-working roles. There. Everybody may now go home. Harry isn't representing the King. He's representing Harry. The charities presumably can survive the constitutional trauma. Britain Establishes Royal Charity Cartel Britain Establishes Royal Charity Cartel But satire demands we follow the principle to its natural destination. Britain therefore needs a Royal Office of Charitable Demarcation, headquartered in a grey building in Westminster containing 800 civil servants and one printer nobody knows how to connect. Before any royal relative performs kindness, Form CH-17 must be submitted. Section A: Nature of Kindness. Veterans. Children. Environment. Homelessness. Rhinoceroses. Other. Section B: Has another Windsor already expressed concern regarding this subject? If yes, cease compassion immediately. Harry wishes to support veterans? Potential overlap. William once met a veteran. Denied. Harry supports conservation? William likes conservation. Denied. Harry visits a hospital? Catherine has visited hospitals. Denied. Harry strokes a Labrador? Princess Anne has probably encountered a dog. Constitutional crisis. Eventually Harry will be permitted to champion only one remaining charitable cause: men named Trevor who lose umbrellas between Swindon and Reading. Nobody else has claimed it. Yet. Invictus Creates Particularly Awkward Problem The Invictus Games make the proposed monopoly especially ridiculous. Harry founded the Games in 2014, and the Invictus Games Foundation says its mission includes year-round support for wounded, injured and sick service personnel and veterans through sport, community and recovery opportunities. The foundation says it operates with a small staff and supports an international community beyond the Games themselves. So imagine telling Harry: "Thank you very much for creating this international veterans initiative. Unfortunately, you are no longer officially employed by your father, so please stop caring about the veterans." Even British bureaucracy should require a second biscuit before saying that aloud. Harry served in the military. Veterans have been central to his public work for years. The proposition that continuing that work somehow trespasses on William's royal territory would mean charity isn't about beneficiaries anymore. It is about branding rights. Suddenly wounded veterans become intellectual property. "Sorry, sir. Your rehabilitation has been trademarked by Kensington Palace." The Royal Family Should Encourage Competition If William and Harry both want to help people, why is that a problem? Let them compete. Britain loves competition. Oxford versus Cambridge. Labour versus Conservatives. Tesco versus Sainsbury's. London commuters versus consciousness. Why shouldn't royal philanthropy have competitors? William raises £10 million for homelessness. Harry raises £11 million. William builds 400 homes. Harry builds 450. William saves 200 elephants. Harry counteroffers with 240 elephants and a rhinoceros. Suddenly Britain has accidentally discovered the world's first philanthropic arms race. By Christmas, homelessness is down 60 percent because two emotionally complicated brothers refuse to let the other one win. This would be the most productive royal feud since medieval kings competed over cathedral size. Royal Economists Warn of Unauthorized Kindness Royal Economists Warn of Unauthorized Kindness A report from the equally Institute for Competitive Monarchy has calculated that Britain currently suffers from a severe shortage of publicly visible compassion. Its survey found 82 percent of citizens would accept charitable assistance from either prince, 11 percent wanted to know whether lunch was included and 7 percent believed Prince Harry was actually a pub in Sussex. Professor Nigel Wainscotting, imaginary chair of Hereditary Market Economics at the University of Little Puddleton, explained the economic principle. "A monopoly occurs when one provider controls the supply of a product or service," Wainscotting said. "In this case, the theoretical product appears to be standing beside disadvantaged people while photographers document concern." He adjusted his spectacles. "If Harry enters the market, consumers benefit from increased royal compassion." Palace officials immediately asked that he stop using the phrase "consumers." William Must Decide Whether Harry Is Too Royal or Not Royal Enough This is where the argument curls itself into a Windsor pretzel. Critics frequently tell Harry: you're not a working royal anymore. Fine. Then Harry operates privately. But when Harry operates privately, the complaint becomes: you're behaving suspiciously like a working royal. What behavior produces this impression? Visiting people. Supporting causes. Making speeches. Helping charities. Those aren't constitutionally exclusive royal functions. My dentist does three of those. Nobody has crowned him. Yet. If Harry arrived at Parliament wearing the Imperial State Crown and announced the King's Speech, William would have a point. If Harry appointed ambassadors, minted coins or renamed Canada "Greater Sussex," call somebody. But visiting veterans? Supporting charitable causes? Talking about service? These activities are also performed every Thursday by approximately 46,000 retired women named Margaret. Palace Introduces Compassion Zoning The compromise will probably involve charitable zoning. Harry may help veterans west of Birmingham. William receives veterans east of Birmingham. The Midlands remain a demilitarized philanthropy zone. Africa will be divided according to animal. William gets rhinoceroses and elephants. Harry gets giraffes and any hippopotamus requiring emotional support. Neither brother may approach a zebra until arbitration is complete. Children's charities will operate under alternate-week custody. William gets Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Harry gets Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Sunday belongs to Princess Anne because everyone is slightly frightened of her. The Public Can Probably Handle Two Princes Royal insiders repeatedly worry about public confusion. Give the British public some credit. People understand that Harry isn't officially representing the King. They can also understand that Harry remains a prince. Those facts can coexist. A man can leave Microsoft and still understand computers. A retired professor may continue reading books. A former Royal Marine may still care about Marines. A prince can stop representing the Crown without developing a constitutional allergy to charity galas. The monarchy survived Henry VIII. It survived George III. It survived Edward VIII. It survived Andrew. It survived It's a Royal Knockout. Surely it can survive Harry attending a fundraiser. The Simplest Royal Rule Here is the rule Britain actually needs. William represents the monarchy. Harry represents himself. Both may help charities. Nobody owns generosity. Nobody has exclusive mineral rights to veterans. There is no Crown patent on compassion. And if Prince Harry wants to spend his post-royal life helping wounded servicemen, supporting charitable organizations and making himself useful, perhaps the scandal isn't that he's pretending to be a working royal. Perhaps the scandal is that working without being required to has become suspicious behavior at the Palace. A theoretical Buckingham Palace source denied that charity has been monopolized, explaining: "Absolutely anyone may engage in charitable activities provided Prince William has not already thought about them." The spokesman then hurried away after learning Harry had donated twenty pounds to a donkey sanctuary. Emergency meetings continued through the night. Disclaimer This is satire. Reports concerning Prince William's private feelings rely on unnamed-source reporting and should not be treated as established statements from the Prince of Wales. The constitutional distinction between official royal duties and Prince Harry's private charitable activities is real, drawn from syndicated reporting on the dispute; the Royal Office of Charitable Demarcation, territorial rhinoceros allocations, compassion licences, Professor Nigel Wainscotting and the 82 percent poll are gloriously manufactured for comic purposes. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No royal monopoly licence was obtained, largely because the cow ate the application. 15 Humorous Observations Before We Nationalize Compassion Apparently Harry can stop being a working royal, but he cannot stop working, which is the sort of constitutional loophole Britain normally solves by creating a committee and putting a duke on it. If Harry visits wounded veterans, somebody at the Palace apparently has to check whether the compassion was official compassion or unauthorized freelance compassion. Britain may soon require princes to obtain a Charitable Activity Licence, renewable annually at the Post Office beside fishing permits and television licences. The real danger is not two princes helping charities. The danger is that the public might become confused and accidentally believe two people can care about the same thing. Royal charity increasingly resembles a medieval guild. You may feed the hungry, but only after verifying that hunger hasn't already been assigned to somebody higher in the line of succession. William reportedly fears a "parallel royal operation." This raises the alarming possibility of competitive monarchy, where princes must improve customer service. Harry helped create the Invictus Games for wounded, injured and sick service personnel. Apparently the constitutional difficulty begins when wounded veterans recover without Palace authorization. Harry is still the King's son. Removing him from official royal duties did not require Buckingham Palace to return him to the hospital and exchange him for a civilian. If only working royals may perform visible charity, Britain has accidentally invented the Royal Monopoly on Niceness, protected by crown, sceptre and several extremely concerned anonymous sources. The Palace distinction is actually straightforward: Harry does not officially represent the King. His charitable activity is private. That seems considerably less complicated than pretending charity itself becomes royal property when somebody wears cufflinks. Under the emerging doctrine, Harry may privately help veterans provided nobody photographs him, recognizes him, calls him Prince Harry or notices that he is Prince Harry. Britain's next constitutional crisis will occur when William and Harry both attend separate fundraisers for cancer research and scientists accidentally cure something twice. Royal insiders appear terrified of "confusion." Britain has survived three kings named George in a row, hereditary legislators and trains called "replacement buses," but apparently two charitable princes would finish the country. The monarchy should be thrilled that a prince who quit the official job still wants to do public service. Most employees who resign don't continue turning up voluntarily unless somebody left doughnuts in the break room.

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