Meta Tracks Workers’ Clicks to Build AI That Can Also Ignore Human Feelings on a Schedule Five Mildly Catastrophic Observations At long last, a machine that understands middle management perfectly, right down to the dead-eyed nod over a lukewarm tea. The AI can process emotion by skipping it instantly, a skill previously held only by HR and certain headmasters. Workers said morale was low. The algorithm marked that as background…
Meta Reveals New AI Trained Entirely by Watching Nigel from Accounts Have a Nervous Breakdown in Excel Five Mildly Catastrophic Observations Nigel has not opened a spreadsheet without sighing since the Blair government, and the sighing has only deepened. Meta has officially classified panic-clicking as the most authentically British contribution to artificial intelligence since the queue. Every time Nigel mutters “where have the bloody numbers gone,” the AI gains sentience…
Zuckerberg Declares Privacy Is Back at Meta, Then Promptly Counts Your Every Keystroke Five Mildly Catastrophic Observations Nothing announces a privacy revival quite like a billionaire counting your every keypress in real time and graphing the results before pudding. The announcement was made behind a curtain of dashboards, which is how you know it was about transparency. Staff applauded, then asked whether applause speed was being logged. It was. Sustained…
BBC Reports AI May Become Conscious — Robots File ‘Cease and Desist’ Because They Already Are ⚖️🤖 According to a sober, carefully enunciated report by BBC News—delivered in the sort of tone usually reserved for explaining constitutional crises to American tourists—artificial intelligence may one day become conscious, sparking urgent debate amongst philosophers, ethicists, neuroscientists, theologians, and several people who still cannot programme their microwave. The report, which posed the bold question…
AI Job Apocalypse: British Office Workers Discover Their Replacement Doesn’t Need Tea Breaks, Annual Leave, or a Reason to Carry On Splendid news from the world of modern commerce: Britain has finally achieved peak workplace efficiency. The only remaining human job in the average British office is explaining to management why the AI that replaced everyone has just sent a company-wide email reading, “Dear colleagues, the quarterly profits are vibes. Kind…
Staff Stunned to Discover Every Mouse Twitch Now Counts as Innovation Data at Meta Five Mildly Catastrophic Observations Workers thought fidgeting was stress. It was, in fact, unpaid R&D with a quarterly earnings call attached. Every accidental cursor circle is now worth millions in venture capital theory and tuppence in actual wages. The “wiggle the mouse so Teams stays green” manoeuvre is now patented behaviour and a leading indicator of…
