Tag: NHS waiting times

Health Business Governance

NHS Specialists Flee to Private Clinics, Government Celebrates Dramatic Reduction in Number of Doctors Available to See Patients for Free

Tinsel Vandergraph

Health service discovers private clinics are employing the same specialists patients have been waiting two years to see, only with considerably more convenient appointment times LONDON – The National Health Service has encountered an unusual staffing difficulty after discovering that psychologists, psychiatrists and specialist nurses are leaving public healthcare to work for private clinics offering many of the same services. The migration has become particularly worrying in ADHD and autism…

Culture Governance News

No Policy Changes

Chelsea Bloom

No Policy Changes, Just New Con-Man at the Head of Labour LONDON — Labour has entered its traditional moment of spiritual renewal, which, for those unfamiliar with the ritual, involves removing one face from the podium, attaching a different face, and asking the nation to feel something hopeful about the woodwork. Keir Starmer is reportedly out. Andy Burnham is reportedly in. And the British public is being asked to believe the washing machine…

Governance History Political

7 Reasons Labour Keeps Getting It Wrong

Violet Woolf

7 Reasons Labour Keeps Getting It Wrong: A Century of Trying Very Hard and Making It Worse LONDON — Labour has been getting things wrong for so long it has developed a kind of institutional muscle memory for it. Like a man who keeps walking into the same glass door, the party doesn’t lack confidence. It lacks a different door. What follows is not an attack. It is a historical service.…

Business Governance Political

Labour Party Unity

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Labour Party Unity  Collapse Markets LONDON — Financial markets trembled Monday after senior Labour figures assured the country that the party was “completely united,” a phrase experienced Britons immediately recognised as Westminster’s equivalent of hearing, “Everything is under control,” moments before a smoke alarm begins singing Jerusalem in a pitch only dogs can detect. Traders in London reportedly paused their screens, removed their glasses, pinched the bridge of their noses, and quietly whispered, “Uh-oh.”…

Culture News

Keir Starmer Resigns

Bethan Morgan

⬤ LONDON  |  BREAKING: AGAIN ⬤ Keir Starmer Resigns, Britain Forced to Learn Name of Yet Another Prime Minister Historians Update Flowcharts for Seventh Time This Decade as Nation’s Pencil Supply Reaches Critical Levels Britain awoke on Monday to discover that Prime Minister Keir Starmer had resigned, triggering the traditional national pastime of trying to remember who is running the country this week — and whether the photograph hanging in government offices needs…

Culture Governance News Social

Burnham’s Tape Measure Vindicated

Paige Shiver

Keir Starmer Resigns; Burnham’s Tape Measure Vindicated LONDON — THE LONDON PRAT — Keir Starmer resigned as Prime Minister on Monday morning, thereby confirming what the tape measure found near the Number 10 curtains had been trying to tell us all along. Standing outside Downing Street in the manner of a man who had rehearsed his dignity until it was absolutely watertight, Starmer said he accepted “with good grace” that his party no…

Current Absurdities News Social

Innovations in Patient Safety

Alan Nafzger

Innovations in Patient Safety: NHS Hospitals Finally Admit Patients Were the Biggest Variable All Along Revolutionary Safety Measures Transform British Healthcare Into Gentle Containment Exercise Hospitals across Britain have unveiled a bold new generation of innovations in patient safety, many of which involve gently restraining reality until it stops causing incidents. NHS administrators insist the changes are evidence-based, patient-centred, and only slightly inspired by airport security, kindergarten classrooms, and the Tower…

Locations News

King Edward Street Surgery

Harper Thames

Ten Observations About King Edward Street Surgery 🩺🎭 Registration RouletteSigning up at King Edward Street Surgery feels like winning the lottery — only instead of money, you get a scanned form and the promise that someone, someday, might phone you back. Appointment AlchemyBooking an appointment requires the same level of strategic planning as a lunar landing — except the only thing that needs to land is you, in a chair,…