Tag: Prince Andrew

Police Take Andrew In, Palace Releases Statement Written Entirely In Carefully Measured Sighs Five Observations About The Royal Art Of Communicating Without Actually Moving Air The official royal sigh is calibrated somewhere between apology and weather forecast. Britain has invented a new punctuation mark: the diplomatic pause. Every palace statement now sounds like it was exhaled, not spoken. Lawyers count words while historians count centuries. The national mood can be…

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Reportedly Requests Trial By Jury Of People Who Hate Paperwork Five Humorous Observations About Administration As The True Weapon Of Justice The only demographic more feared than prosecutors is citizens with filing cabinets. Britain learned juries are just democracy in a cardigan. Half the country suddenly discovered they have very strong feelings about forms. Nothing unites a nation faster than mutual resentment toward instructions printed in size-8 font.…

Misconduct In Public Office Explained As “When Your Job Title Comes With Velvet, But Your Emails Come With Trouble” Five Humorous Observations On The Day Legal Vocabulary Became Britain’s Favourite Hobby Britain discovered the phrase “public office” does not mean an office the public politely ignores. Velvet curtains have excellent acoustics for bad decisions. The law treats a forwarded email the same whether you sign it “Regards” or “Your Royal…

Britain Arrests Former Prince Andrew, Monarchy Quietly Googles “How To Look Normal” Five Observations About An Institution Attempting Casual Behaviour Under Extraordinary Circumstances The royal family has perfected dignity except when trying to define “normal.” Google’s autocomplete now understands constitutional crisis better than most historians. Palace aides discovered normal people own only one front gate and zero clarinet fanfares. The monarchy’s greatest challenge is pretending Thursdays are routine. Britain collectively…

Prince Andrew Fans Say He Is Being Punished For The Crime Of Knowing People In The 90s Five Observations About The 1990s Being Called As A Character Witness Britain has entered the first legal case where nostalgia itself may be called to testify. The 1990s officially promoted from decade to co-defendant. Every acquaintance from before Wi-Fi suddenly requires a character reference. People who still own a fax machine are nervously…

Royal Family Confirms Andrew Will Face A Full, Fair Process, And Also A Full, Fair Queue Five Observations About Equality Before The Law And The British Art Of Waiting Britain finally discovered equality means waiting your turn even if your ancestors owned the turn. The royal crest is not recognised at the Department of Administrative Patience. Courts move slower than monarchy but faster than denial. The phrase “Your Majesty” has…