Tag: Greenland

America International News

Trump Secures “Permanent” Greenland Security

Harper Thames

Trump Secures “Permanent” Greenland Security Deal While Real-Estate Department Mourns the Absence of a Closing Denmark keeps the island, Greenland keeps self-determination, America gets expanded security rights, and the world discovers that international diplomacy has apparently invented the geopolitical timeshare President Donald Trump announced that the United States, Denmark and Greenland have reached an agreement granting Washington permanent security rights on the island, capping months of will-he-won’t-he international drama with…

Political

American State We Didn’t Know We Wanted

Fiona MacLeod

Why Greenland Is the Next American State We Didn’t Know We Wanted (But Definitely Do) A Patriot’s Arctic Manifesto America has always had a talent for discovering it desperately needs something about five minutes before someone else tries to take it. Gold. Oil. The internet. And now, apparently, Greenland. Until recently, Greenland was best known as “that big icy place on the map where nothing happens,” which in American strategic thinking…

Current Absurdities International

Dog Sleds and Diplomacy

Lowri Griffiths

The Greenland Gambit: America’s Newest Defence Strategy (Featuring Dog Sleds and Diplomacy) Satirical Arctic Security Brief Every great military strategy begins with a simple question: what if we put a base there? Greenland is the “there” currently keeping U.S. defence planners awake at night, staring at maps like dads planning a road trip that will definitely ignore everyone else’s opinions. Officially, America insists it has no aggressive intentions in Greenland.…

Political

Rare Earths > Rare Tweets

Mei Lin Chen

Step Aside Silicon Valley We’re Going to Greenland First (Rare Earths > Rare Tweets) Mineral Rush Humour For years, Silicon Valley has insisted it is the future. Greenland, quietly sitting on rare earth minerals, has responded by doing nothing, which turns out to be the ultimate power move. Rare earths are essential to modern life. Phones, batteries, weapons systems, moral superiority. And Greenland has them in quantities that make venture…

News

Drink Coffee, Buy Greenland

Lowri Griffiths

Drink Coffee, Buy Greenland: A New Real Estate Pitch From Washington Satirical National Security MLS Every American understands real estate. Location, location, location. Greenland has location in bulk. Washington’s pitch is refreshingly honest. Greenland isn’t about conquest. It’s about acquisition. A strategic upgrade. A fixer-upper with great views and missile coverage. Strategic Real Estate and National Security Real estate analysts note that Greenland is undervalued because no one has flipped it yet.…

America International News

The Diplomatic Middle Finger

Siobhan O’Donnell

Greenland’s New Universal Language: The Diplomatic Middle Finger Arctic Nation Perfects the Art of Frozen Rejection Nuuk — In what diplomatic historians are calling “the most eloquent non-verbal communication since Churchill’s V-sign,” Greenland has developed a comprehensive hand gesture vocabulary that translates roughly to “sod off” in 47 languages. The gesture system, unveiled during recent meetings with American and Danish officials, represents what experts describe as “refreshingly honest diplomacy.” Greenlanders…

America Current Absurdities Political

Greenland Is Big, Cold, and Still Available

Violet Woolf

America Discovers Greenland Is Big, Cold, and Apparently Still Available The United States has built its entire identity on exploration. They’ve conquered frontiers, launched rockets into space, and investigated whether butter can be successfully deep-fried. It was inevitable, really, that eventually someone in the Capitol would glance at an enormous icy territory near the North Pole and ask, “Hang on… is anyone actually claiming that?” And so began Washington’s latest…