Palace Confirms Prince Andrew Has Chosen Freedom, Fried Cactus, and Loving County, Texas
Buckingham Palace confirmed this week that Prince Andrew has decided the only sensible response to modern royal life is to move to West Texas, purchase a hat large enough to be seen from space, and begin a new chapter as a cowboy in Loving County.
The Palace statement stressed that “every care is being taken,” which in royal language means someone checked a map, someone else Googled “cactus edible?”, and a third person quietly closed the door and walked away.
According to aides familiar with the transition, Andrew has grown weary of protocol, corridors, and the emotional complexity of silverware. He wants space. He wants freedom. He wants to eat fried cactus and beans without a footman asking if that is really appropriate for luncheon.
The Duke of Dust and Wide Open Silence
Loving County, population roughly equivalent to a small wedding reception that did not RSVP, appealed to Andrew precisely because nobody there knows or cares what a coronet is. The county offers miles of land, zero paparazzi, and a local culture that responds to scandal with a shrug and a weather report.
Andrew reportedly toured the area in boots that still had the price tag on them and declared the silence “refreshing, honest, and unbothered by podcasts.” One rancher, who asked not to be named because he does not want to be named, said, “He asked where the nearest neighbours were. I told him about 30 miles. He smiled like a man being released from administrative detention.”
Experts say this makes sense. Dr. Clayton R. Wilks, a visiting sociologist from a university that does not advertise, explained that West Texas offers something rare. “Accountability fades after the third horizon,” he said. “Once you cross enough cattle guards, the past becomes a rumour.”
A Simple Diet for a Complicated Man
Royal to Ranch Cuisine Transition
Andrew has already embraced local cuisine. Palace sources say he has taken a particular liking to fried cactus, beans, and anything that arrives on a plate without garnish or judgement. “I have discovered legumes,” Andrew reportedly told a stunned aide. “They are honest.”
Nutritionists say the cowboy diet suits a man seeking redemption through digestion. According to a study cited by the West Texas Institute of Culinary Stoicism, eating beans daily encourages reflection, patience, and distance from others, all qualities reportedly being cultivated.
One eyewitness at a diner described Andrew staring at a plate of pinto beans with the seriousness of a man reading a treaty. “He asked if there was a dress code,” the waitress said. “I told him no. He relaxed immediately.”
Cowboy Life, Royal Skills
From Palace Protocol to Ranch Practices
Andrew believes his royal training transfers well to ranch life. Standing very still. Nodding without committing. Speaking confidently whilst providing minimal actionable detail. These are skills that work just as well with cattle as with courtiers.
He is said to be practising roping, although sources admit the rope often does most of the work. An anonymous staffer claims Andrew has embraced the cowboy ethic of self reliance, meaning he insists on doing things himself until someone else quietly does them.
Locals remain cautiously welcoming. A recent informal poll conducted at a petrol station showed 62 per cent of residents did not know who Andrew was, 27 per cent thought he was “some English guy,” and 11 per cent asked if he could fix a fence.
Twelve Observations About Prince Andrew Going Cowboy in Loving County, Texas 🤠🌵
- Andrew chose Loving County because it has fewer residents than Buckingham Palace has hallways, and none of them are journalists.
- He reportedly likes the silence, which in Texas is not peaceful quiet but the sound of your own thoughts realising no one else is coming to help.
- Andrew says he wants to live free, which in cowboy terms means no schedules, no statements, and no one asking follow-up questions.
- Fried cactus appeals to him because it is the only food that fights back just enough to feel earned.
- Beans have become his preferred meal because they are filling, humble, and do not leak anything to the press.
- He appreciates ranch life because cattle do not recognise titles, medals, or awkward backstories, only posture and confidence.
- Andrew enjoys wearing a cowboy hat because it blocks the sun and metaphorically lowers expectations.
- Loving County was attractive because if someone Googles his name out there, the internet connection gives up halfway through.
- He likes that mistakes on a ranch are blamed on weather, animals, or fate, never on character.
- Locals find him polite but slightly overdressed, like a man who thinks denim is still a negotiation.
- Andrew says riding horses feels liberating, mostly because horses do not ask him to clarify past remarks.
- In West Texas, he has learned the ultimate freedom is being judged only on whether you close the gate behind you.
Living Free at Last
West Texas as Royal Refuge
Andrew’s stated goal is to live free, ride occasionally, and avoid anything that resembles a press conference. He wants mornings that begin with coffee strong enough to erase memory and evenings defined by sunsets rather than scrutiny.
Political theorists note the symbolism. A man raised in palaces choosing Loving County suggests a philosophical journey from inherited power to inherited dust. As one cowboy philosopher put it, “Out here, titles do not matter. Your hat does.”
Whether Andrew becomes a permanent Texan remains unclear. But for now, he has found a place where the land is vast, the beans are plentiful, and the past is just another thing that gets smaller the farther you drive.
Disclaimer
This article is satirical commentary and should not be mistaken for verified relocation paperwork, cowboy credentials, or evidence that fried cactus solves existential problems. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No machines were blamed, consulted, or fed beans during its creation. Auf Wiedersehen.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
