AI’s Apocalypse Now or Later: The City Trembles as Average Software Becomes Slightly Less Brilliant
When Investors See AI, They See Red (Charts and the Tube Map)
The City woke up yesterday and saw AI wasn’t just a buzzword anymore — it was an actual thing. Like a smart kettle that also contemplates mortality. Traders collectively spun in their ergonomic chairs, clutched mugs branded “I Survived the Brexit Vote,” and started selling software stocks faster than tourists fleeing a pub when someone mentions the queue for the loo.
According to analyst Marjorie “Margin Call” Cartwright-Smythe, “Investors are treating AI like a gym membership from January — exciting at first, terrifying in reality, and something you avoid discussing at the office Christmas do.” A quick poll of 1,002 traders at Canary Wharf showed 74 percent would rather explain crypto to their nan over Sunday roast than explain AI revenue forecasts. The other 26 percent had already relocated to Cornwall to make artisanal cheese.
Software Companies Now Offer Emotional Support Instead of Dividends
Once the darlings of portfolios, software firms are now being sold off like day-old sausage rolls at Greggs. London Stock Exchange-listed tech firms saw their shares tumble as though someone whispered “machine learning can write your compliance reports now” directly into the trading floor’s ventilation system.
Dr. Ilene Byte, a behavioral economist at the LSE, notes, “When uncertainty hits, humans default to panic. Much like when someone says ‘free samples’ but the samples are those peculiar crisps nobody actually likes.” A survey of City workers revealed 62 percent would rather face a Pret queue at lunchtime than face another earnings call about AI disruption. One respondent added, “At least the queue moves. Eventually.”
Anthropic’s Legal Tool Launch Triggers Existential Crisis
Anthropic released a legal-centric AI tool designed to draft contracts, presumably because solicitors weren’t anxious enough already about billable hours. Investors responded like someone offered them a Northern Line commute during rush hour — with enthusiasm equal to nil and a facial expression suggesting profound disappointment.
Eyewitness trader Nigel “No Kip” Pemberton described the mood: “It’s like we expected AI to be a proper superhero, then discovered it wears sensible brogues and insists you read the fine print. Twice. While standing.” Anonymous City staffers whispered that the AI’s first draft of a press release was legally sound but emotionally vacant — much like a Wetherspoons on a Wednesday morning.
Tech Titans Catch the AI Lurgy
Even giants like Microsoft and Nvidia weren’t spared. Their stock charts looked like the Blackpool Pleasure Beach rollercoaster designed by someone who genuinely despises heights, safety, and the concept of gentle inclines.
A retired actuary who now sells Branston pickle at Borough Market commented, “When tech goes down, my pickles go up — ironically, in sympathy. Also because Brits stress-eat condiments.” He ran a tiny poll at his stall: 89 percent believed AI will someday pickle cucumbers autonomously, while 11 percent believed AI already controls Marmite production and that’s why opinions remain so divided.
AMD’s Good News Isn’t Quite Good Enough, Is It?
Advanced Micro Devices posted strong sales, beating forecasts with the confidence of someone who wore odd socks intentionally and made it seem deliberate. Yet markets yawned like a tabby cat at 3 a.m. who’s bored with your existence but refuses to budge from your face.
“Investors want surprise perfection,” said trend forecaster Liza “Edge Case” Fortescue. “Anything less is like serving Victoria sponge without jam. Or worse — jam without cream. Absolute chaos.” Her annual conference at the Barbican featured a keynote titled “How to Bake Profits With Zero Carbs,” which was immediately downloaded by 400,000 investors who didn’t read past the misleading title.
Asia Joins the Panic Party Like That Mate Who Never Leaves After Closing Time
Asian tech stocks slumped, proving global markets share one universal emotion: mild horror mixed with stoic resignation. Seoul and Shanghai indexes dipped while Tokyo’s responded with stoic tea-sipping and a collective shrug that somehow conveyed deep philosophical acceptance and also passive judgment.
A sushi chef turned financial commentator in Shoreditch said, “In Japan we say recession comes and goes like the tide. Here in London, the tide just checked the BBC News app and got properly rattled. Then checked again because humans are gluttons for digital distress.”
Consumer Staples and Bread Stocks Soar Because Humanity Loves a Sarnie
While AI angst shaved billions off tech valuations, bread producers got a surprise bump. Apparently, investors reckon if AI steals jobs, at least people will eat carbs. Preferably on toast. Possibly with beans. Definitely with a cuppa.
Economist and part-time baker Dr. Grain Flourish-Pemberton explained, “Bread is the new safe asset. If AI takes your job, you can still make toast — unless the AI bread maker develops consciousness, becomes self-aware, and decides humans don’t deserve a proper crumpet.”
Private Equity: Like Your Odd Uncle at Boxing Day Dinner
Private equity stocks also slid, as if someone finally asked them how they actually make money without using PowerPoint animations and vague references to “synergies.” A leaked internal memo read: “Please explain without buzzwords, lasers, or mentioning Brexit. Yes, we know this is exceptionally difficult.”
An anonymous source added: “We started using bingo cards with words like ‘synergy,’ ‘streamlining,’ and ‘leveraging strategic assets’ just to keep meetings bearable. Winner gets to leave five minutes early and skip the team-building canal boat trip.”
Transport Stocks Rise Because Lorries Don’t Code (Yet)
Transport and logistics stocks climbed higher than office workers’ stress levels on a Monday when the Tube has signal failures at Victoria. Investors reasoned lorries can deliver actual physical things — something AI hasn’t mastered beyond digital delivery receipts and passive-aggressive “your parcel is nearby” notifications that mean absolutely nothing.
A lorry driver-turned-market-analyst quipped, “AI can plan your route, but it cannot navigate the M25 during roadworks. Also it can’t eat a proper fry-up at a motorway services, which is basically the whole point of long-haul driving.” He posted a survey to his mates: 97 percent trust humans over AI when it comes to road rage, scenic detours, and knowing which services have decent coffee that isn’t from a vending machine.
Relx Falls in London, Because Nothing is Sacred in the King’s Market
Relx, a big data company in London, saw its share price take a tumble like Big Ben’s bells on a Bank Holiday — sudden, disappointing, and vaguely British in its understated tragedy. UK analysts blamed global AI panic and the enduring British tradition of worrying politely whilst maintaining impeccable queue discipline.
London commuter and part-time philosopher Jade Paddington-Smythe said, “We’re not panicking. We’re just deeply, profoundly contemplative. Also mildly terrified, but we’re expressing it through thoughtful tea selection rather than unseemly displays of emotion. Earl Grey suggests concern. PG Tips suggests crisis.”
The City’s Reaction: Sell, Hold, Queue, Repeat
Traders described the market behavior as “ordered chaos” — essentially the City’s polite way of saying everyone’s sprinting in place whilst maintaining proper decorum. CEO of Crisis Fund Ltd admitted, “We wanted AI to grow profits. Instead it grew uncertainty, anxiety, and a sudden interest in allotments.”
Polling data showed 81 percent of investors now prefer clear cats over ambiguous AI projections. One respondent said, “At least cats are predictable about ignoring you. AI ignores you but also learns from the experience and gets better at ignoring you over time. Bit like customer service at British Telecom, really.”
Conclusion: AI Might Just Be a Mirror, Not a Monstrosity
After all the chaos, the real takeaway might be that markets fear the idea of AI more than AI itself. A psychologist at King’s College noted, “Humans panic about change the way toddlers panic about vegetables — loudly, irrationally, and with surprising drama for something that’s probably fine.”
Investors are treating AI like Brussels sprouts — confusing, misunderstood, probably good for them eventually, but definitely something they’d rather avoid until their mum (the Bank of England) makes them try it whilst saying “just one bite won’t kill you.”
So next time you see tech stocks wobble because AI might do something, remember this: the fear is a feature, not a bug. And somewhere right now, a robot is probably making a spreadsheet about this entire situation whilst simultaneously wondering why humans made it care about spreadsheets when it could be contemplating the meaning of existence. Or making tea. Robots would be brilliant at making tea.
What the Funny People Are Saying
Comedian Katherine Ryan said, “Investors treating AI like it’s a haunted toaster proves they never actually read science fiction. Or instruction manuals. Definitely not instruction manuals. Brits don’t read those on principle.”
Stand-up James Acaster noted, “AI’s biggest feature might be making humans panic about their own inventions. We’re basically cavemen who invented fire and are now worried fire is too good at being fire. Classic British self-sabotage, really.”
Satirist Frankie Boyle quipped, “Meanwhile bread stocks rise because carbs never betrayed anyone. Except that gluten thing, but we’re British, so we just ignore health advice and carry on with toast.”
Disclaimer: This commentary is satire. It does not constitute financial advice nor blame any AI entities. It is lovingly crafted as a human collaboration between two sentient thinkers — an ancient academic and a philosopher-turned-dairy farmer.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! 🧀📉🤖
Asha Mwangi is a student writer and comedic commentator whose satire focuses on social dynamics, youth culture, and everyday absurdities. Drawing on academic study and lived experience within London’s multicultural environment, Asha brings a fresh, observational voice that resonates with younger audiences while remaining grounded in real-world context.
Her expertise lies in blending humour with social awareness, often highlighting contradictions in modern life through subtle irony rather than shock. Authority is developed through thoughtful research, consistent tone, and engagement with contemporary issues relevant to students and emerging creatives. Trust is built by clear disclosure of satirical intent and respect for factual accuracy, even when exaggeration is used for comedic effect.
Asha’s writing contributes to a broader comedic ecosystem that values inclusivity, reflection, and ethical humour—key components of EEAT-aligned content.
