Officials Say Rumors Are Dangerous, Release Rumors Carefully
Government Perfects Art of Condemning Speculation Whilst Speculating
Senior government figures have issued stern warnings about the dangers of unverified information, whilst simultaneously briefing journalists on unverified information under strict conditions of anonymity. The carefully orchestrated campaign against rumours includes a comprehensive programme of officially sanctioned rumours designed to replace unofficial rumours with more convenient official rumours.
Anonymous Sources Warn Against Trusting Anonymous Sources
“We must all be very careful about spreading unconfirmed reports,” announced a spokesman who declined to be named, immediately before sharing unconfirmed reports about tomorrow’s announcement. “Misinformation can cause genuine harm, which is why we’re providing this exclusive background briefing on what might possibly happen if things develop as we’re suggesting they might.”
The warning came during a lobby briefing described as “strictly off the record” yet somehow appearing in every major newspaper by teatime. “We never said that,” confirmed officials who definitely said that, “and anyone claiming we said it is contributing to the rumour mill we’re trying to stop by saying things we won’t admit to saying.”
“I love how governments hate rumours,” said Frankie Boyle. “They prefer ‘strategic communications,’ which is Latin for ‘rumours we approve of.'”
Public Urged Not to Speculate About Official Speculation
Citizens have been advised to ignore social media speculation whilst paying close attention to official channels spreading speculation. “Wild theories help nobody,” insisted a Cabinet minister, before outlining several wild theories the government hadn’t ruled out exploring.
Press officers have compiled a detailed list of rumours people shouldn’t believe, thoughtfully organised by how much the government would prefer people believed them. “These are absolutely not leaks,” clarified one communications director. “They’re controlled information releases about information we’re controlling by not officially releasing it.”
“The difference between a leak and a briefing is whether you wanted it public,” said James Acaster. “Same information, different invoice.”
Media Briefed on Not Briefing Media
Political correspondents have been summoned to urgent meetings about the importance of not holding urgent meetings about sensitive matters being discussed in urgent meetings. “We cannot stress enough how vital it is that speculation stops,” stressed officials during two hours of speculative discussion.
Downing Street sources, who insisted they’re not Downing Street sources, confirmed that reports about reports are unhelpful unless those reports come from sources close to Downing Street sources. “There’s a right way and wrong way to spread rumours,” explained someone who definitely wasn’t the Prime Minister’s director of communications. “The right way involves us controlling the narrative by saying we’re not controlling anything.”
Leaks Investigated by People Who Leaked Leak Investigation
An inquiry has been launched into unauthorised disclosures, with details of the inquiry being unauthorisedly disclosed to establish it’s being taken seriously. “We will get to the bottom of these leaks,” vowed ministers in leaked minutes from a meeting about stopping leaks.
“Government leak investigations are brilliant,” said Ed Byrne. “Like arsonists investigating fires whilst holding matches.”
The BBC has reported extensively on reports that reporting on reports is unhelpful, with reporters reporting that sources say sources are concerned about sources. “We’re committed to responsible journalism,” explained editors, “which means publishing exactly what we’re told not to publish by people pretending they didn’t tell us.”
WhatsApp Groups Declared Misinformation Whilst Being Misinformed
Officials have condemned private messaging platforms as vectors for false information, whilst simultaneously using private messaging platforms to coordinate which false information to condemn. “These encrypted channels spread dangerous rumours,” noted one minister on an encrypted channel spreading dangerous rumours about political rivals.
Parliamentary researchers have tracked government WhatsApp usage, discovering ministers average forty-seven messages per hour warning colleagues about the dangers of WhatsApp. “It’s quite efficient really,” observed one aide. “They can undermine each other much faster than traditional Cabinet meetings allowed.”
“Politicians using WhatsApp is scary,” said Mock the Week‘s Hugh Dennis. “Not because of security. Because of the emoji choices.”
Strategic Ambiguity Deployed to Create Tactical Confusion
Communication strategies now centre on being deliberately vague whilst condemning others for being vague. “Clarity is essential,” announced a spokesperson unclearly, “which is why we’re maintaining strategic ambiguity around our position on maintaining strategic ambiguity.”
Focus groups have been assembled to test public reaction to rumours before deciding which rumours to officially deny whilst unofficially confirming. “We need to understand which lies people prefer,” explained pollsters, “so we know which truths to avoid.”
“Focus groups are wonderful,” said Sarah Millican. “Eight people eating sandwiches deciding what millions should believe. Democracy in action.”
Opposition Demands Truth About Lies About Truth
Shadow ministers have called for transparency regarding the government’s lack of transparency about their selective transparency. “We deserve honesty,” declared opposition frontbenchers who’ve never been honest about anything, “unlike the government, who are dishonest about their honesty.”
Parliamentary exchanges have devolved into accusations of rumour-mongering between professional rumour-mongers. “The Honourable Member is spreading malicious gossip,” shouted MPs spreading malicious gossip about MPs spreading malicious gossip. The Speaker intervened to restore order by spreading rumours about who started spreading rumours.
“Prime Minister’s Questions is basically Celebrity Big Brother with worse haircuts,” said Russell Howard. “Same amount of backstabbing, better snacks.”
Social Media Blamed for Everything Including Blaming Social Media
Digital platforms have been identified as the primary source of misinformation, according to misinformation spread on digital platforms by officials with verified accounts. “Twitter is toxic,” tweeted ministers seventeen times before lunch, each tweet contradicting the previous one.
Fact-checkers have given up checking facts, instead focusing on checking which unchecked facts government prefers unchecked. “We rate this claim as ‘politically convenient,'” explained one verification service, “which is our new category between ‘true’ and ‘false.'”
“Fact-checking is exhausting,” said Romesh Ranganathan. “By the time you’ve debunked something, three new lies have spawned like political Gremlins.”
Denials Issued Before Allegations Made
In an innovative approach to crisis management, Number 10 has begun pre-emptively denying scandals that haven’t been alleged yet. “We categorically refute claims nobody’s made,” stated officials, “which proves we’re getting ahead of the narrative by creating narratives to get ahead of.”
Legal teams have drafted comprehensive rebuttals to potential future accusations, with contingency denials prepared for contingencies that might require contingency denials. “We’re covering all bases,” confirmed solicitors billing by the hour, “including bases that don’t exist yet but might if we deny them hard enough.”
“Lawyers preparing defences for crimes not committed is very Minority Report,” said Daniel Sloss. “Except instead of preventing crimes, they’re just billing for them in advance.”
Briefings About Not Briefing Increase Briefing Frequency
The volume of background conversations explaining why background conversations shouldn’t happen has increased 400% this quarter. Journalists now spend more time hearing about what they can’t report than reporting what they can’t hear about.
“We’re off the record on the record about being off the record,” clarified one Lobby correspondent. “It’s like Inception but with worse dialogue and more lying.”
The Press Gazette reports that political journalism now consists entirely of reporting what sources say about what other sources say about what original sources claimed they never said. “We’ve achieved peak meta,” celebrated editors. “Our corrections now need corrections, which need correcting.”
“Journalism used to be about truth,” said David Mitchell. “Now it’s about which version of not-quite-truth everyone agrees to pretend is truth.”
Public Advised to Trust Authorities Who Don’t Trust Each Other
Citizens have been instructed to have confidence in official communications issued by officials who lack confidence in each other’s official communications. “Unity is crucial,” emphasised ministers via seven different statements contradicting each other, “which is why we’re speaking with one voice in several completely different directions.”
Polling suggests public trust in government statements has reached all-time lows, according to government statements about polling that probably aren’t trustworthy. “People believe us when we say they don’t believe us,” noted one pollster. “Though they don’t believe us about that either.”
“Trust in politics is dead,” said Katherine Ryan. “And politicians killed it, then denied it, then leaked that they denied it, then denied the leak.”
In related developments, a taskforce has been established to investigate which taskforce leaked details about which taskforce is investigating leaks from previous taskforces. The taskforce’s existence remains officially unconfirmed despite being announced in three separate press releases.
Context: This piece satirises the pervasive governmental practice of condemning rumours and leaks whilst actively orchestrating them through “official sources” and anonymous briefings. The phenomenon of lobby journalism enables ministers to shape narratives whilst maintaining deniability, creating a system where official condemnation of speculation coexists with systematic speculation. Recent examples include pandemic communications, Brexit negotiations, and ministerial scandals where governments simultaneously denounced unauthorised disclosures whilst strategically leaking information to preferred journalists.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Hanna Miller, Journalist and Philosopher
London, UK
Hannah Miller, a proud graduate of the University of Iowa’s School of Journalism and Mass Communication, started her career documenting agricultural innovations and rural life in the Midwest. Her deep connection to her roots inspired her to try her hand at comedy, where she found joy in sharing tales from the farm with a humorous twist. Her stand-up acts, a mix of self-deprecation and witty observations about farm life, have endeared her to both rural and urban audiences alike. She is a four-year resident to London and the UK.
