Manchester United co-owner says UK has been ‘colonized by immigrants’
Five Quick Observations Before Kickoff ⚽
- Manchester United’s bench has so many passports it needs its own customs queue at Old Trafford.
- If 69.5 million becomes 70 million after rounding, then my five-a-side career almost counts as Premier League.
- Every time zone watching United is technically a global occupation of sofas.
- If aliens can afford match tickets, frankly they deserve a visa.
- When a team loses, fans immediately blame “imported problems,” even if the only import was a left back from Lisbon.
United Nations vs United Manchester
Old Trafford now resembles a diplomatic summit with shin pads. Count the nationalities in the Manchester United squad and you start to suspect the bench is one vote away from passing a climate resolution. The irony, of course, is delicious. The same club built on global scouting now becomes Exhibit A in the case that Britain has been “colonised” by global talent. Colonisation apparently means “someone from Denmark taking a corner kick.”
A leaked memo from the Institute of Advanced Pub Sociology confirms that 87.3 percent of football fans cannot locate half the countries represented on the team, yet insist those players are “proper lads.” The memo was stapled to a pie menu. Research continues.
As one anonymous staffer allegedly sighed while polishing a trophy cabinet, “If colonisation means winning trophies, perhaps we should be colonised by left-footed wingers.” The staffer then returned to adjusting a banner that read Global Club, Local Complaints.
Population Math for Dummies
When numbers enter political debate, they immediately sprout dramatic lighting and ominous music. Say “70 million” and the brain conjures a crowd the size of Jupiter. Say “69.5 million” and it sounds like someone miscounted a bus queue.
A visiting mathematician from the University of Somewhere Sensible explained, “Rounding is not a moral act. It is arithmetic.” He paused, then added, “Unless you are rounding up a takeaway order. Then it is destiny.”
If 69.5 becomes 70, then my bank balance of 9.50 becomes ten quid. I await confirmation from the Treasury. Until then, the only colonisation taking place is that of decimals by enthusiasm.
Global Fans, Global Claim
Manchester United has supporters in Lagos, Kuala Lumpur, Kansas, and the occasional pub in Kent where nobody agrees on anything except that VAR is a crime. These fans do not storm the shores. They storm the streaming platforms.
An eye witness in Yorkshire swore, “I saw a bloke in Seoul celebrating a goal at the same time as me. That is basically immigration via broadband.”
A recent poll conducted by the highly respected Old Trafford Biscuit Tin Survey found that 92 percent of fans believe watching a match at 3 am counts as cultural exchange. The other 8 percent were asleep.
If viewers worldwide gather to watch a red shirt, perhaps the true invasion is joy crossing borders without a passport.
Ticket Price Shock
Let us discuss economics. When match tickets cost roughly the same as a small used car, suspicion naturally falls on extraterrestrials with advanced savings accounts. “Only aliens could afford this,” muttered one supporter while calculating whether to sell a kidney.
Dr Celeste Wainwright, Professor of Intergalactic Finance, confirmed, “Extraterrestrials are particularly strong in foreign exchange markets. It is in their DNA.”
If aliens are colonising Manchester, they are doing so politely, queuing for pies and debating substitutions. Frankly, they blend in.
Milk Carton Logic
Some argue immigration stacks like milk cartons in a fridge. If enough cartons fit, the fridge is full. But Britain is not a fridge. It is more like a chaotic cupboard where nobody can find the teabags but everyone insists they are there.
An anonymous civil servant admitted, “We tried counting cartons. We discovered most were actually yoghurt.”
The metaphor collapses faster than a folding camping chair at Glastonbury. Yet it persists because it sounds tidy. Reality rarely is.
Benefits 9 Million
Nine million on benefits sounds alarming until you realise nine million also claim they nearly signed for Manchester United at school. Numbers swell under storytelling.
A taxi driver in Salford declared, “My cousin once watched highlights on a Tuesday. That is basically economic participation.”
Economists note that spending on football merchandise contributes to GDP. Therefore, if fandom counts as financial activity, perhaps the nation is colonised by scarves.
Colonised by Stats
When statistics become weapons, decimal points duck for cover. The Office for National Statistics offers 69.5 million. Someone else prefers 70. Both numbers stand there, bewildered, like twins accused of starting a bar fight.
A data analyst whispered, “It is not colonisation. It is calibration.”
The crowd nodded, then returned to arguing about net spend.
Integration Is a Pitch
A football team is the world’s most efficient integration programme. Eleven people from different backgrounds agree to chase one ball and occasionally pass it. If that is colonisation, it is remarkably well organised.
A coach once remarked, “When you score together, accents disappear.”
Talent diversification wins matches. It also sells shirts. Sometimes economics and empathy share a locker.
Monaco Multiverse
Viewing Britain from Monaco is like critiquing British weather from a yacht. Perspective sharpens. Or tans.
One commentator joked, “From Monaco, even Manchester drizzle looks philosophical.”
Distance creates clarity. It also creates different tax brackets.
Football Fans Are Immigrants Too
Supporters migrate weekly from Yorkshire to Kent, from London to Manchester. They bring chants, hope, and occasionally questionable fashion.
An ornithologist studying fan behaviour observed, “The migration patterns are extraordinary. They follow fixtures.”
If internal travel counts as colonisation, then the M6 is an empire.
Economics for Everyone
If immigration costs money, so do goalkeepers. Yet no one suggests deporting a striker for exceeding the wage bill. Instead, we call it investment.
A Treasury intern scribbled, “Every scarf sold is a tiny stimulus package.”
Perhaps the true economy is belief.
Colonial Linguistics
The word colonised contains colon. The colon is vital for digestion. Therefore, linguistically speaking, the argument is indigestible.
A linguist explained, “Etymology is not policy.”
The room applauded punctuation.
Sky’s the Limit
Appear on television and everything feels dramatic. Say something bold under studio lights and it echoes louder.
A retired time-travelling consultant known only as Doctor H noted, “Every era thinks it is being invaded. Usually it is just being updated.”
Dress Rehearsal Evidence
When Manchester United lose, supporters blame imported bad luck. When they win, it is glorious multicultural harmony.
That is not colonisation. That is football. A theatre where statistics, identity, money, and hope all share the same muddy pitch.
In the end, the nation is not colonised by players, fans, or decimals. It is colonised by conversation. And conversation, like football, rarely stays within the lines.
Disclaimer: This satirical feature is a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It is written for humour, reflection, and the occasional raised eyebrow. No decimal points were harmed in the making of this piece. Auf Wiedersehen.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
