Ayatollah Khamenei Arrives in Hell, Demands to Speak With the Manager
Five Observations From the Welcome Desk at the Gates of Eternal Damnation
Hell’s health and safety committee convened an emergency session within four minutes of his arrival. Nobody had updated the risk assessment to include theocrats. This is what happens when you let procedures lapse.
Flames dimmed out of deference, then brightened again on advice from the security sub-panel. Even in the afterlife, there is a sub-panel. There is always a sub-panel.
The first question he asked — before the escalator had even stopped — was who was currently administering the sanctions regime. The welcoming demon said he wasn’t sure that was really his area. He has since been reassigned.
Satan dispatched three memos requesting an urgent meeting on “regional thermal governance.” The first two were returned with annotations querying their theological basis. The third was simply ignored. A fourth is being drafted.
Local demons have raised a formal grievance. The newcomer, they report, has been delivering compulsory forty-five minute addresses on the subject of resistance to air conditioning. Attendance is mandatory. Scrolls are issued. There is no open floor.
Eternal Damnation: Now Under New Management
HELL, THE AFTERLIFE — In what analysts had long considered inevitable, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was this week spotted making his way through Hell’s sulphurous lower corridors with the air of a man conducting an unannounced inspection of an underperforming regional office.
Three tormented souls, speaking on strict condition of anonymity, confirmed the Ayatollah arrived composed, robe pressed, and carrying what appeared to be a prepared statement disputing “Western exaggerations regarding ambient temperatures.”
“He stepped off the escalator, had a look round, and asked if the fire was locally sourced,” said one soul — formerly a mid-ranking civil servant from somewhere prone to humidity. “Then he requested to see the procurement records.”
Management restructuring began shortly afterwards. Nobody was consulted. Nobody is ever consulted.
Satan Proposes a “Strategic Partnership.” The Ayatollah Requests Amendments.
Sources close to the Prince of Darkness confirm he was caught somewhat off-guard.
“The usual arrivals scream,” Satan was heard to mutter during a closed session. “This one came with an agenda.”
Minutes from the subsequent meeting — leaked to no one in particular, since Hell has no press freedom — reveal a tense exchange over who, precisely, holds sovereign authority over eternal suffering. Satan cited his several-thousand-year unbroken tenure. The Ayatollah questioned whether said suffering had ever been conducted in full compliance with appropriate theological frameworks. He had supporting documentation.
A demon present at the talks described the atmosphere as “the most passive-aggressive negotiation since Versailles.” He adjusted his pitchfork. “We had a system,” he said. “Fire. Regret. Repeat. Now there are working groups.” A pause. “So many working groups.”
Sanctions Imposed on the Lake of Fire
Within hours of his arrival, Hell’s central combustion infrastructure began experiencing what the Department of Eternal Flame could only describe as “supply-side disruptions of a unilateral spiritual nature.”
The Ayatollah had taken issue with the Lake of Fire’s heating distribution model.
“Section Four is burning at 1,200 degrees,” he reportedly noted, consulting a clipboard. “Section Seven receives only 900. This represents a structurally asymmetrical approach to torment.”
Temperature charts were revised by close of business. Climate scientists who have been studying infernal thermodynamics since roughly the Bronze Age expressed considerable bewilderment.
“We have never previously been required to justify thermodynamics,” said Dr Belial, Professor of Infernal Physics. “We are now apparently in peer review with a clerical council.” He stared at his data for some time. The data, unusually, stared back.
Hell Introduces a Dignity Policy. The Damned Are Not Thrilled.
Word has reached the lower circles that Hell’s longstanding informal torment arrangements — what one archdemon privately called “business casual damnation” — are under formal review.
A memo distributed across the Abyss declares that “eternal suffering must henceforth be conducted with appropriate dignity and decorum.” A follow-up memo clarified that the first memo should be treated as guidance pending subcommittee ratification. A third memo questioned the authority of the second. The subcommittee is yet to meet, as its members cannot agree on the terms of reference.
“I have been naked and pursued by wolves for six centuries,” said one condemned former accountant from the Third Circle. “Apparently I now require a robe.” He did not sound angry, precisely. He sounded like a man who has simply run out of the capacity for anger, which in Hell is arguably the worst place to be.
The demon responsible for wardrobe logistics confirmed the situation remained “spiritually clarifying, if operationally complex.” Whether robes would be provided centrally or sourced individually by the damned remains, as of press time, unresolved.
The Address Nobody Requested But Everybody Received
The Ayatollah’s inaugural public speech to the assembled souls of the damned was, by all accounts, thorough.
Standing at a basalt lectern, flanked by lava and what witnesses described as a hand-lettered banner of unclear provenance, he declared: “Do not be cowed by these flames. They are a fiction propagated by our adversaries.”
Several sinners paused mid-scream.
“Honestly, I nearly believed him,” admitted one former televangelist from Arkansas. “Just for a moment I thought perhaps this wasn’t Hell after all. Then a centaur set me alight again and I remembered where I was.”
Scholars in Purgatory remain divided. Some hold that the arrival of the Ayatollah marks a fundamental realignment of infernal geopolitics. Others maintain that Hell has simply acquired another speaker who cannot be interrupted. The House of Commons Library has not yet published a briefing note on the matter, but it is only a matter of time.
Territorial Ambitions in the Ninth Circle
Tensions escalated further when the Ayatollah proposed extending Hell’s sphere of influence into adjacent metaphysical territories — a move that left senior archdemons visibly uneasy.
“We are already Hell,” said one, with the measured restraint of someone choosing words very carefully. “Expansion would appear to be, by definition, redundant.” He was added to a list before he had finished the sentence.
New banners have reportedly been sighted along the banks of the River Styx. Charon, the ferryman, when approached for comment, said only: “I just row the boat.” He has been rowing the boat for three thousand years. He would ask nothing more from eternity than to simply continue rowing the boat in peace. This appears increasingly unlikely.
The Axis of Agony Talks: Day One
Diplomatic correspondence obtained from unnamed infernal sources suggests that ongoing negotiations between Satan and the Ayatollah over authority in the so-called “Axis of Agony” remain at an early and delicate stage.
Satan’s position: exclusive control of sulphur procurement, non-negotiable. The Ayatollah’s counter-position: sulphur must be sourced in accordance with “values-aligned combustion principles.” Meetings have been scheduled. They will overrun. Biscuits will not be provided.
For ordinary souls, the day-to-day reality of Hell continues more or less as before, only now accompanied by policy briefings read aloud in a deliberate and measured tone.
“It’s still fire,” sighed one longtime resident, staring into the middle distance. “It’s just considerably more administrative.” The middle distance, for the record, is also on fire. In Hell, everything is on fire. That is rather the point.
What the Comedians Make of the Whole Affair
“I always assumed Hell had enough on its plate. Apparently not.” — Ricky Gervais
“There’s something very British about Hell having a committee. I feel strangely at home.” — Eddie Izzard
“Hell with foreign policy. That’s not damnation. That’s a Tuesday in Westminster.” — Frankie Boyle
“The thermostat dispute is the most relatable thing to come out of the afterlife. My office has the same problem.” — Jimmy Carr
Hell: Stable, Operational, and Ideologically Heated
As of the time of writing, Hell continues to function. Insiders report a modest but measurable decline in spontaneous screaming, offset by a sharp increase in formal declarations. Screaming, sources suggest, must now be pre-approved and submitted in triplicate.
“Stable,” said one anonymous staffer, when pressed for a summary. “Stable but ideologically heated.” He delivered this without a trace of irony. In Hell, that constitutes genuine progress.
The Ayatollah was last observed beside the thermostat, clipboard in hand, remarking that the eternal flame “has potential but requires more strategic calibration.” He was making notes. He is always making notes.
Satan, for his part, has adopted the expression of a man who has seen everything — which he has — and yet somehow not quite seen this coming.
“Tyrants, we manage,” he said, with the weariness of genuine expertise. “They complain about the heat. They demand better quarters. They write the occasional manifesto. This one wants a summit with agenda items and pre-read materials.” He poured himself a drink. It was on fire. Everything in Hell is on fire. He has stopped remarking upon it.
Flames burn. Regret accumulates. Bureaucracy expands to fill all available space — then quietly annexes the space beyond that.
And somewhere in the lower depths, beneath a sky the colour of a badly overcooked judgment, a new arrival smooths his robe, uncaps his pen, and settles in to prepare the sixth draft of a speech about resistance to air conditioning.
This is satire — dark humour, deliberate absurdity, and imaginative commentary on events that are, in their own way, already fairly absurd. It is a human collaboration between two sentient beings: a man who spent four decades teaching political philosophy and a woman who now rises before dawn to milk cows and read geopolitical briefings. No infernal governments were approached for comment, though several were probably available. On 28 February 2026, the United States and Israel launched a coordinated military operation against Iran, codenamed Operation Epic Fury by the Pentagon and Operation Roaring Lion by the IDF. Strikes targeted military installations, the compound of Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei — whose fate, as the House of Commons Library noted in its briefing, had long been a matter of international speculation — and senior IRGC commanders, several of whom were reported killed. Iran’s Foreign Minister said Khamenei was alive “as far as I know,” a phrase that has done a great deal of work today. Iran retaliated with missile strikes across the Gulf region. The thermostat remains contested.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Morag Sinclair is a seasoned comedic writer with a strong portfolio of satirical work. Her writing demonstrates authority through consistency and thematic depth.
Expertise includes narrative satire and cultural commentary, while trustworthiness is maintained through ethical standards and transparency.
