THE SEVEN U-TURNS THAT GOT STARMER “MARXED UP”
Let’s begin with fact: POLITICO has documented at least seven occasions where Labour MPs forced Starmer to change course on government agenda items. That’s not imaginary. That’s political whiplash documented in reporting.
In this satire we go further, not because the facts aren’t enough, but because reality can be boring without a chorus line of ghostly Marxists whispering into the PM’s ear while he tries to mumble speeches about fiscal responsibility.
🌪️ SECTION 1 — THE MARXIST MANIFESTO APPARITION
Starmer steps up to the podium. His speech notes are neat. Serif font. Bullet points aligned. And suddenly his own MPs materialize from nowhere, like Marxist sprites, waving old copies of Das Kapital stained with coffee and the remnants of Labour leadership contest leaflets.
“Comrade Starmer,” they whisper.
“Actually we changed our mind about that.”
“Actually we insist you change yours.”
“Actually… turn back that policy vehicle.”
And just like that, the Prime Minister pivots sharper than a pancake in a tornado.
This isn’t idle speculation. Political documentation shows that several key manifesto-style positions have shifted — tuition fees, taxation pledges, and environmental spending.
Labour MPs once sat quietly in the back benches. Now they sit with clipboards. Now they sit holding up Polaroids of Marx and shouting: “More Plan E, less Plan Everything Else!”
SECTION 2 — EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT: “THE LEFT DID IT”
In the gallery above Westminster, an eyewitness claims to have seen a group of Labour MPs in bespoke Red Velvet Marxist hoodies, sipping herbal tea, waiting for the moment Starmer tries to mention principle.
“I saw Beth from Bexley tap her foot and say, ‘You said you supported this. But now you don’t. So you’re going back.'”
Conservative MPs, aghast, have started using Starmer’s U-turns as part of their morning stretching routine: “If he can pivot, so can you.”
A poll commissioned by Nobody’s News Weekly (yes, it’s fictional but statistically inspired) found that 92 percent of Brits believe Starmer turns around faster than a cat in a cucumber patch when his own MPs bark at him.
Is this entirely believable? Well… it’s consistent with reports noting his shifting political positions and the internal pressures within Labour.
🎵 SECTION 3 — CAUSE AND EFFECT: MARXIST BACKBENCHES
Let’s talk logic. If policy shifts correlate with internal party pressure, then by deduction Starmer responds to that pressure more than he does to public polls about fare increases.
That’s not saying Marxists have some secret pod in the Palace of Westminster (though imagine the health and safety briefing for that). What it is saying is this: the Labour Party doesn’t consist of a single unified will. Some factions are more left — and they occasionally belt out demands louder than a punk rock band at 3 a.m.
Effect: a Prime Minister who says one thing and then does almost anything else. If that isn’t satire material, what is?
📖 SECTION 4 — QUOTES FROM THE PHILOSOPHICAL LEFT (AND OTHERWISE)
Dave the Labour MP:
“Look, we were going to agree. Then we weren’t. Then Sir Keir changed his mind again. I think this counts as democracy.”
Anonymous Marxist Sympathizer:
“I have never seen so many u-turns outside a driving school.”
Academic Expert on British Politics:
“Adaptability is fine. Flip-flopping is fine. But if every decision feels like it was drawn out of a hat, voters notice.”
All legit lines… probably.
😂 SECTION 5 — THE U-TURN CONTINUUM
Remember that time Starmer promised to abolish tuition fees? Then didn’t?
Remember that time he talked about higher taxes on top earners? Then he reconsidered?
Rewrite, backflip, spin, and now sometimes a little cha-cha slide. It’s like watching someone try to do the political equivalent of juggling jelly.
So here’s our satirical takeaway: perhaps those Marxists are not whispering at all. Maybe they’re just the personification of internal party pressure and ideological bickering. But isn’t it fun to imagine them wearing cloaks and chanting while Starmer awkwardly nods in confusion?
CONCLUSION — “MARXIST WHIP OR INTERNAL DISCOURSE?”
In the real world, politicians do adjust policies for a mix of reasons: polling, MPs pushing back, economic changes, public opinion. That’s true, observable, and reported.
But in the whimsical courts of satire, Benedict Cumberbatch could narrate a documentary called:
“Starmer and the Midnight Marxists: Seven U-Turns and a Half-Baked Manifesto.”
If you see Sir Keir talking to his speech notes and asking:
“Now was it the Marxists or was it the bean counters?”
just remember: satire is the art of exaggeration with a serious face and a wink.
Auf Wiedersehen
DISCLAIMER
This is satire grounded in real reporting about several times Keir Starmer has abandoned or changed policy positions, sometimes under pressure from his own parliamentary party. It is entirely a collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No artificial intelligence bears responsibility for the absurdity below. 🐄📜
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
