The City Welcomes The Worshipful Company of HR
Livery Company: Patron Saint of Passive Aggression
London has added its 114th Livery Company, representing Human Resources, a profession historically known for saying “we’re like family here” moments before escorting you out of the building with a cardboard box. The medieval guild system, once dedicated to swords and bread, now embraces performance improvement plans. Progress.
It’s worth noting that PIPs (Performance Improvement Plans) are just corporate astrology for people who can’t admit they’ve already decided.
Historians confirm Livery Companies originally regulated trades and provided social care in pre-welfare-state England. In modern HR translation, this means: they still regulate behaviour and provide emotional care, but only after you’ve signed the disciplinary form.
The new members may now vote for Lord Mayor and, crucially, drive sheep across London Bridge. Experts say this is symbolic because HR has been herding employees toward “optional mandatory fun” since 1998.
Mandatory fun days now account for 67% of Britain’s GDP in resentment production.
The Older Guilds React to HR’s Medieval Coronation
The Ironmongers issued a statement:
“We used to forge weapons. Now the most dangerous thing in the City is a feedback sandwich.”
The Brewers were furious.
“For 700 years we helped workers survive jobs. HR removed the need for alcohol by scheduling mindfulness webinars.”
One Brewer was overheard muttering: “You can’t meditate away a bad manager, Derek.”
The Swordmakers attempted to challenge HR to ceremonial combat but had to submit a request through Workday and await approval within 7-10 business centuries.
Their ticket remains marked as “pending” with an estimated resolution date of “when the Thames runs backwards.”
Livery Companies, One By One, Finally Explained
The Fishmongers
Originally sold fish.
Now mainly exist so someone in a banquet hall can wear tights and discuss maritime tariffs with alarming authority.
Annual meetings smell vaguely of both privilege and mackerel.
The Goldsmiths
Once minted coins.
Today they mint networking events where everyone agrees inflation is someone else’s fault.
The Vintners
Keep London hydrated during economic collapse.
Essential public service, frankly.
Their motto: “In Vino Veritas, In Office Politics, Nemesis.”
The Haberdashers
No one knows what they do anymore but nobody dares ask because they sound organized.
Rumored to control the global supply of tiny hat pins and moral superiority.
The Stationers & Newspaper Makers
Invented printing.
Now attend dinners celebrating the death of printing.
They call it “pivoting to digital” but everyone knows it’s a wake.
The Barbers
Started as surgeons.
Still explain complicated procedures while holding a sharp object near your neck.
The Bakers
Responsible for sourdough and the personality of every Londoner who owns three tote bags.
Also invented “artisanal” as a pricing strategy.
The Tax Advisers
A medieval punishment disguised as a professional association.
Their initiation ceremony involves reading the entire UK tax code aloud while standing in the rain.
The Information Technologists
Allowed into the system in the late 20th century when someone realized servers are just electronic sheep.
Still trying to explain to the other guilds that “turning it off and on again” is a valid medieval tradition.
Now… The HR Professionals Enter the Guild System
A guild dedicated to:
- turning arguments into workshops
- turning layoffs into “transitions”
- turning complaints into surveys about complaints
- turning your will to live into “engagement metrics”
Witnesses say their ceremonial robes are made entirely from unread policy documents.
The robes rustle with the sound of 10,000 unanswered “per my last email” messages.
A leaked training manual reportedly defines a conflict as:
“Any conversation longer than two emails.”
The manual also lists “eye contact lasting more than 3 seconds” as grounds for mediation.
Eyewitness Accounts From the Inauguration Ceremony
A junior banker described the inauguration ceremony:
“They handed out scrolls, but instead of royal decrees they were workplace values. One was just the word ‘Respect’ in 12 fonts.”
He added: “Another scroll was just the Kübler-Ross grief model but for being denied annual leave.”
A medieval reenactor present at the event became confused:
“I thought I was watching feudal bureaucracy. Turns out it was modern corporate culture. Much scarier.”
She was last seen fleeing toward the 14th century muttering about plague being “more honest.”
Expert Opinion on This Historic Development
Professor Mildred Cartwright, Chair of Historical Occupational Rituals:
“The guilds once regulated trade quality. HR regulates emotional tone. We have moved from ensuring bread isn’t poisoned to ensuring Slack messages aren’t passive aggressive.”
She adds this is the logical endpoint of civilization:
First we organized work. Then we organized workers. Now we organize feelings about work.
Next we’ll organize feelings about organizing feelings, which is basically what a retrospective meeting already is.
What the Funny People Are Saying About HR Culture
“HR is the only department where you schedule a meeting to prepare for the meeting about the meeting,” said Jerry Seinfeld.
“They don’t fire you anymore. They give you a career opportunity located somewhere else,” said Ron White.
“My company has an open-door policy. The door opens outward,” said Sarah Silverman.
The Other Guilds Prepare For The Future
The City of London confirmed several upcoming livery applications:
- The Worshipful Company of People Who Reply-All
- The Guild of LinkedIn Thought Leaders
- The Fellowship of People Who Say “Per My Last Email”
- The Ancient Order of Calendar Invite Decliners
- The Sacred Brotherhood of Teams Meeting Background Blurrers
Officials say they reflect “changing economic conditions,” meaning nobody makes things anymore but everyone attends meetings about things.
Or worse: meetings about meetings about things that will never be made.
Economic Impact of the HR Livery Company
Economists predict the HR Livery Company will stabilize markets by converting conflict into policy documents. Analysts estimate London currently produces 12 metric tons of workplace guidelines annually, rivaling its historic wool output.
One banker reported feeling safer knowing disputes would now be resolved via medieval ceremony rather than performance reviews, though experts confirmed the two processes are legally identical.
Both involve robes, witnesses, and the lingering suspicion that someone decided your fate before you entered the room.
Cultural Significance: From Blacksmiths to Brand Guidelines
For centuries London guilds governed craftsmanship.
Now they govern corporate vibes.
We have traveled from blacksmith to brand guidelines.
From bread standards to behavioural standards.
From swords to sensitivity training.
From “take up arms” to “take this anonymous survey about workplace culture.”
Civilization didn’t collapse. It filled out a form.
In triplicate. With witness signatures. And a follow-up email chain that will outlive us all.
Closing Thought on Medieval HR Traditions
The medieval guild system survives because humans never stopped needing rules about working together. The difference is simple:
In 1400 they argued about metal purity.
In 2026 they argue about tone in Teams chat.
And now both are enforced by people wearing robes.
The only difference is the 1400s version had better headwear and didn’t require you to complete e-learning modules first.
Disclaimer
This article is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to your workplace culture is purely contractual and legally binding.
Aishwarya Rao is a satirical writer whose work reflects the perspective of a student navigating culture, media, and modern identity with humour and precision. With academic grounding in critical analysis and a strong interest in contemporary satire, Aishwarya’s writing blends observational comedy with thoughtful commentary on everyday contradictions. Her humour is informed by global awareness and sharpened through exposure to London’s diverse cultural and student communities.
As an emerging voice, Aishwarya represents the next generation of satirical journalists: informed, curious, and unafraid to question norms through wit. Her authority stems from research-led writing, respect for factual context, and a commitment to ethical satire. Transparency and clear labelling ensure readers understand the comedic intent behind her work.
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