Starmer Solves Everything by Firing One Guy Nobody Voted For Anyway
Westminster awoke this week to the soothing sound of a single, distant chair scraping backward. Crisis, it turns out, has a very specific noise. According to sources who spoke on condition of remaining permanently employed, Keir Starmer resolved the latest Labour turbulence by removing one individual whose name polls suggest the public had never encountered, mispronounced, or Googled.
The move was hailed as decisive. Newspapers praised the clarity. Commentators nodded gravely, presumably in sync, like a well-rehearsed choir of professional concern. The party line arrived pre-ironed. Leadership had acted. Accountability had occurred. A man with a lanyard had absorbed the sins of the organization like a ceremonial sponge, which is apparently what lanyards are for in modern governance.
Political scientists refer to this as scapegoat minimalism. Why investigate systems when you can remove a person with a Hotmail address? It’s the organizational equivalent of fixing a leak by firing the person who noticed it.
• Leadership by Evaporation
Nothing reassures the public like decisive action taken against a person who appears to dematerialize the moment their security badge stops working.• Accountability, Now Available in Single-Serving Size
Why wrestle with systems, structures, or ideas when you can simply fire one guy and declare the spreadsheet emotionally healed.• The Lanyard Theory of Politics
In Westminster, responsibility travels downhill until it finds someone wearing a lanyard, at which point it stops abruptly and calls it justice.• Crisis Management as Interior Decorating
Moving the problem out of the room counts as solving it, especially if you rearrange the chairs and dim the lights afterward.• Democracy’s Greatest Trick
Voters didn’t elect him, didn’t know him, and won’t miss him, which somehow makes his removal feel like bold leadership instead of housekeeping.
Labour Leadership Discovers Radical New Crisis Strategy: Blame Intern, Go to Lunch
The strategy meeting was said to last nine minutes, including biscuits. Insiders described an atmosphere of innovation usually reserved for whiteboards and consultants. The conclusion was bold yet familiar: identify the nearest underling, express regret, schedule lunch. The tactic has served Westminster well since approximately 1066, when someone presumably got the blame for pointing Harold in the wrong direction.
One senior figure explained the logic with admirable candor. Voters do not understand policy failures, factional drift, or institutional inertia. They understand firings. Preferably of people who look like they might have once printed an agenda, or worse, proofread it and spotted the mistakes everyone else missed.
After the decision, the leadership team reportedly adjourned to a nearby restaurant where the soup of the day was consensus. The bread rolls were accountability-adjacent. No one ordered the transparency special because it wasn’t on the menu.
Keir Starmer Announces Bold Reform Plan: Sack One Aide, Pretend Issue Was Personal
In a carefully worded statement, the party emphasized that the problem was not ideological, structural, or even political. It was interpersonal. A vibes issue. A personality mismatch. The political equivalent of discovering the printer was unplugged, except the printer had been working fine and everyone knew where the plug was.
By framing the controversy as a matter of personal judgment, the leadership avoided the messier work of explaining why everyone else had nodded along until Tuesday morning. The aide was described as well-meaning, dedicated, and unfortunately positioned between the problem and the exit sign, like someone who wandered into a disaster movie during the third act.
Experts note that this maneuver preserves institutional dignity while ensuring no one with a memoir deal is inconvenienced. Publishing schedules remain intact. Ghostwriters can breathe easy.
Labour Party Declares Problem Resolved After Someone With No Wikipedia Page Is Removed
Resolution arrived swiftly, like an email marked URGENT that somehow contains only three sentences and a thank you. Party officials confirmed that the issue was now closed, sealed, and placed gently in the archive marked Lessons Learned, which is never opened again except during mandatory training exercises where everyone pretends to remember what went wrong last time.
The absence of a Wikipedia page proved crucial. Analysts agree that scandals shrink dramatically when the responsible party cannot be linked to a birthday, a photograph, or a notable controversy from 2009. If you don’t exist online, did you even work in politics? Philosophers are divided.
Public reaction was mixed. Some voters expressed relief. Others asked what the problem had been in the first place. A few suspected the answer was leadership, which was quickly clarified to mean someone else—specifically, someone without access to ministerial stationery or a parking space.
Starmer Demonstrates Strong Leadership by Executing Middle Manager on Zoom Call
According to multiple witnesses, the dismissal occurred during a video call that began with small talk and ended with history being rewritten. The tone was professional. The language was compassionate. The Wi-Fi briefly froze at the exact moment accountability was mentioned, which some interpreted as divine intervention, others as Virgin Media operating normally.
Leadership experts praised the efficiency. No paper trail. No witnesses with job security. Just a clean break and a calendar invite disappearing from everyone else’s screen like it had never existed. Modern technology makes firing people feel almost philosophical.
In modern politics, strength is measured not by preventing mistakes but by how cleanly you can uninstall the person nearest to them. It’s like whack-a-mole, except the mole had a mortgage and childcare responsibilities.
Downing Street Confirms Scandal Was Actually Just One Staffer’s Vibe
Sources close to Downing Street confirmed that upon closer inspection, the controversy stemmed from an intangible energy problem. The aide in question had allegedly brought the wrong mood to meetings. Not illegal. Not unethical. Just off. Like someone who plays acoustic guitar at a party when no one asked, or uses “Reply All” when “Reply” would suffice.
By reclassifying the issue as atmospheric, officials avoided discussing documents, decisions, or directions. The vibe had been corrected. Windows metaphorically opened. Fresh air entered the room. Someone probably mentioned the importance of positive energy and everyone nodded as though that meant something actionable.
A leaked memo reassured staff that vibes would be monitored going forward, though no one was quite sure by whom. Possibly HR. Possibly a consultant. Possibly a crystal.
Labour Cleans House by Throwing One Broom Under the Bus
The final act involved ceremonial cleanliness. A press briefing. A statement of values. A renewed commitment to transparency that involved revealing nothing new. The party emerged refreshed, like a house that has been cleaned by moving all the mess into one cupboard and sealing it shut. Out of sight, out of mind, out of the next news cycle.
Labour Party officials stressed unity. Discipline. Forward motion. The underling, meanwhile, entered the private sector where accountability is paid hourly and comes with dental coverage.
Westminster moved on within minutes, already scanning the horizon for the next opportunity to demonstrate leadership by subtraction. The political machinery hummed quietly, content in the knowledge that problems can always be solved by making them someone else’s responsibility.
Disclaimer
This satirical journalism piece is intended to highlight patterns in political behavior through exaggeration, irony, and observational humor. Any resemblance to actual events, processes, or meetings where someone was blamed so everyone else could keep their job is entirely coincidental and deeply familiar. This story is a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
