Sources Say Sources Are Concerned
Anonymous Officials Anonymously Worried About Anonymity
Multiple sources close to sources familiar with sources have expressed deep concern about the growing number of sources expressing concern, according to sources who requested anonymity to discuss sources requesting anonymity. The revelation has sent shockwaves through corridors of power where shockwaves are routinely sent through corridors according to sources familiar with corridor-based shockwave dynamics.
Senior Figures Unnamed, Concerns Unspecified
“There’s genuine worry among people I can’t name about things I can’t specify,” confirmed a senior government insider who insisted on not being described as a senior government insider. “The situation is serious enough that several of us are seriously considering remaining seriously anonymous whilst seriously briefing against each other seriously.”
Press officers have compiled an extensive database of approved anonymity descriptors, ranging from “sources close to” through “officials familiar with” to the nuclear option: “people with knowledge of the matter.” “We’re very particular about how we hide who’s speaking,” explained a spokesman refusing to be identified as a spokesman. “There’s proper protocol for improper disclosure.”
“I love anonymous sources,” said Frankie Boyle. “It’s like playing Chinese whispers but everyone’s lying and it ends up in The Guardian.”
Concerns Raised About Concerns Being Raised Concerningly
The volume of leaked concerns about leaking has increased 340% this quarter, with Westminster insiders expressing alarm about the alarming rate of alarm being expressed alarmingly. “We’re very worried about worry,” noted individuals close to the worry, “particularly worry about worriers worrying other worriers into worrying.”
Cabinet sources, who definitely aren’t Cabinet ministers but sound suspiciously like Cabinet ministers using slightly different words than Cabinet ministers would use, have confirmed that tensions are running high amongst people they won’t identify in departments they won’t specify over issues they can’t discuss.
“Westminster leaks like a sieve,” said James Acaster. “Except sieves are useful and don’t pretend to be watertight whilst actively spraying water everywhere.”
Briefing Wars Escalate Between Unnamed Combatants
Rival factions within government have intensified their anonymous campaigns against other anonymous factions conducting anonymous campaigns. “The knives are out,” according to sources who’d prefer you didn’t look too closely at their knife collection. “Except we can’t say whose knives or whose backs, but definitely knives, definitely backs.”
Political correspondents report receiving forty-seven different versions of the same story from forty-seven different sources who are absolutely definitely not the same person calling from different phones. “It’s quite efficient,” noted one journalist. “One person can brief against themselves whilst simultaneously defending themselves using different adjectives.”
Number 10 Denies Briefing While Actively Briefing
Downing Street has categorically refuted suggestions that Downing Street sources brief against Cabinet colleagues, in a briefing to journalists about briefings that categorically didn’t come from Downing Street but definitely came from Downing Street. “We never comment on speculation,” commented officials on speculation they’d just created.
“Number 10 is very good at this,” said Ed Byrne. “They can deny something whilst doing it, then deny denying it whilst denying they’re doing it. It’s performance art.”
The Prime Minister’s official spokesperson, speaking off the record on background in a non-attributable capacity, confirmed the Prime Minister has full confidence in ministers, which everyone understands means those ministers are doomed. “Full confidence is the kiss of death,” explained observers familiar with confidence-kissing dynamics. “It’s like ‘we’re working on it’ in a relationship. Start packing.”
Sources Close to Sources Growing Distant from Other Sources
Relationships between various categories of sources have deteriorated sharply, with sources familiar with source relations confirming sources no longer trust other sources to source material without sourcing it to compromising sources. “The source ecosystem is collapsing,” warned analysts who study source behaviour. “Sources are sourcing against sources, creating source-on-source violence.”
Treasury sources have briefed against Foreign Office sources who’ve counter-briefed against Home Office sources, whilst Department for Education sources remain confused about what they’re supposed to be briefing about because nobody tells Education anything. “We heard it from the media,” confirmed Education sources, “which we then leaked to the media to see if it was true.”
“Cabinet unity is beautiful,” said Sarah Millican. “Everyone united in their determination to destroy everyone else before they destroy them first.”
Journalists Cultivate Sources Who Cultivate Journalists
Westminster reporters have developed sophisticated networks of contacts who’ve developed equally sophisticated networks of reporters to leak to about reporters leaking to contacts. “It’s symbiotic,” explained a senior political editor. “They need us to publish their lies, we need them to provide lies worth publishing. Everyone wins except truth, but truth isn’t invited to lunch anyway.”
The Lobby system has evolved from formal briefings to continuous informal backstabbing punctuated by coffee breaks and formal backstabbing. “We’ve streamlined the process,” celebrated Press Lobby members. “Now we can be misled in real-time via WhatsApp rather than waiting for scheduled misleading.”
“Political journalism is basically gossip with expenses,” said Russell Howard. “Expensive gossip that sometimes topples governments, but still fundamentally gossip.”
Opposition Sources Say Government Sources Are Unreliable Sources
Shadow Cabinet sources have condemned ministerial sources for unreliability, in statements that are probably equally unreliable according to sources familiar with unreliable source patterns. “You can’t trust anything they say,” insisted sources you definitely can’t trust. “Unlike our sources, who are completely trustworthy sources sourcing trustworthy information trustworthily.”
Labour sources close to Labour sources positioned close to other Labour sources have expressed concern about Tory sources expressing concern, whilst Tory sources familiar with concerning things find Labour concerns concerning. LibDem sources couldn’t be reached for comment because nobody’s looking for LibDem sources.
Select Committee Investigates Why Nobody Will Speak On Record
A parliamentary inquiry has been launched into the culture of anonymous briefing, with witnesses appearing before the committee on condition of anonymity to discuss anonymity anonymously. “We’re committed to transparency about opacity,” declared the committee chair transparently. “People deserve to know who’s hiding what, even if we have to hide who’s telling us about the hiding.”
“Select committees asking civil servants questions is brilliant,” said David Mitchell. “It’s like asking a lawyer for a straight answer. Technically possible, but you’ll die of old age first.”
Transcripts from the sessions reveal extensive use of phrases like “I couldn’t possibly comment,” “that would be a matter for ministers,” and “I’m not aware of that specific situation,” which translates to “yes,” “definitely me,” and “I literally orchestrated that specific situation.”
Sources Concerned About Being Identified as Concerned Sources
The recent increase in leaked concerns has created a chilling effect amongst sources who fear being identified as sources of leaks about sources. “People are scared,” whispered someone who definitely wasn’t scared enough to stop whispering to journalists. “If it gets out that I’m concerned, people will know I’m the one who’s concerned, which is concerning.”
Leak investigations have been launched to find leakers, who’ve subsequently leaked details of leak investigations to friendly journalists investigating leaks. “It’s quite circular,” observed one Whitehall watcher. “Like a snake eating its tail, if the snake was incompetent and the tail kept briefing against the head.”
Foreign Diplomats Baffled by British Briefing Culture
International observers have expressed confusion about Westminster’s addiction to anonymous gossip masquerading as journalism. “In our country, ministers speak openly,” noted one European ambassador. “When they want to lie, they lie directly to your face like civilised people. This hiding behind sources is very British.”
“The British are polite,” said Henning Wehn. “They’ll stab you in the back but apologise to your shirt for getting blood on it.”
The Foreign Office has attempted to explain Britain’s unique approach to democratic accountability involving zero accountability. “It’s traditional,” sources familiar with traditions explained. “Like bad food and worse weather, anonymous briefing is part of our heritage.”
Media Organisations Demand Transparency While Protecting Sources
Newspapers have called for greater openness in government whilst simultaneously promising absolute confidentiality to sources demanding absolute confidentiality. “The public has a right to know,” editorialised publications, “specifically a right to know things we’ve been told by people we’ve promised not to identify telling us things they shouldn’t be telling us.”
Journalism ethics committees have debated whether publishing unverifiable claims from unidentifiable sources serves democracy or merely serves sales. “Bit of both really,” concluded editors. “Democracy needs informed citizens, citizens need information, information needs to be sensational enough to drive clicks. It’s a beautiful ecosystem.”
“Newspapers defending anonymous sources is rich,” said Katherine Ryan. “It’s like drug dealers defending their suppliers. Technically correct, fundamentally dodgy.”
Future Leaks Scheduled for Strategic Timing
Sources with knowledge of upcoming leaks have revealed that several bombshell revelations are being held back for maximum impact, though they can’t reveal what the revelations are or when they’ll be revealed because that would constitute revealing things they’re supposedly not revealing. “There’s explosive material coming,” teased insiders. “Absolutely devastating. Can’t tell you what or when, but trust us, it’s devastating.”
Political strategists have created elaborate calendars plotting optimal leak timing to dominate news cycles, undermine opponents, and distract from other leaked material designed to dominate news cycles, undermine opponents, and distract from previous distractions. “It’s like chess but every piece is a pawn and nobody knows whose side they’re on,” explained one aide.
“Politics is just revenge with better stationery,” said Jo Brand. “Same backstabbing, nicer notepaper.”
In related developments, sources say more sources will shortly express concern about concerns, with multiple sources confirming that sources remain a source of concern for concerning numbers of concerned sources. Further updates expected from sources familiar with update-sourcing, assuming those sources source updates worth sourcing to sources seeking sourced updates.
Context: This piece satirises the pervasive Westminster culture of anonymous briefing where political figures routinely leak information to journalists whilst maintaining plausible deniability through elaborate source attribution systems. The practice has become so endemic that political coverage now consists primarily of reporting what unnamed officials say about other unnamed officials, creating a circular ecosystem of unattributable accusations and counter-accusations. Recent examples include ministerial reshuffles, policy disputes, and leadership challenges where Cabinet collective responsibility dissolves into competitive leaking campaigns conducted entirely through anonymous sources.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Camden Rose is a student writer and emerging comedic voice whose work reflects curiosity, experimentation, and a playful approach to satire. Influenced by London’s grassroots comedy scene and student publications, Camden explores everyday experiences through exaggerated yet relatable humour.
Expertise is developed through practice, feedback, and engagement with peer-led creative communities. Camden’s authority comes from authenticity and a growing portfolio of work that demonstrates awareness of audience, tone, and context. Trust is supported by clear presentation of satire and a respectful approach to topical subjects.
Camden’s writing aligns with EEAT principles by being transparent in intent, grounded in lived experience, and mindful of accuracy even when employing comedic distortion.
