Leaders Agree Something Must Be Done, Preferably By Someone Else
Cross-Party Consensus Emerges on Need for Action Without Responsibility
Senior political figures from across the spectrum have achieved a rare moment of unity, collectively agreeing that the current situation demands immediate action whilst simultaneously ensuring none of them will be the ones taking it. The breakthrough came during emergency talks where participants nodded vigorously at the need for decisive measures before checking their diaries for convenient absences.
Historic Agreement on Deferring Historic Agreements
“We are absolutely united in our belief that this cannot continue,” announced the Prime Minister from a hastily arranged press conference, adding that a taskforce would be established to determine which other taskforce should handle the matter. “The time for talking is over, which is why we’ve scheduled six more rounds of consultations.”
Opposition leaders praised the government’s commitment to acknowledging problems exist. “This is a watershed moment in recognising watersheds exist,” declared the Shadow Cabinet minister responsible for pointing at things concernedly. “We fully support their position that someone should definitely do something about this, though obviously we’d do it completely differently if we were in power, which we’re not, so it’s really not our problem right now.”
Committee Formed to Recommend Formation of Committees
The accord represents months of careful negotiation over whose fault things aren’t. “We’ve moved past the blame game,” insisted a senior civil servant who requested anonymity to avoid being blamed. “Now we’re focused on the ‘someone else should fix this’ game, which is much more constructive.”
“I love how politicians can agree on anything as long as it doesn’t involve doing anything,” said Jimmy Carr. “It’s like a book club where everyone agrees the book is terrible but nobody wants to choose the next one.”
Regional leaders have welcomed Westminster’s newfound consensus, interpreting it as permission to also agree that action is needed whilst redirecting all enquiries to Westminster. “We’re singing from the same hymn sheet,” confirmed one devolved administration spokesperson. “The hymn being ‘Not It.'”
Urgent Calls for Urgency Scheduled for Later
The emergency summit, described by attendees as “necessarily vague,” produced a joint statement running to seventeen pages, of which sixteen detailed the importance of clarity whilst the seventeenth outlined why specific details would be counterproductive at this stage. Observers noted the document mentioned “working together” forty-three times without once specifying who would be working or what together meant.
“This is a turning point in turning points,” explained a government spokesman when pressed for concrete commitments. “We’ve turned the corner on corner-turning rhetoric.”
“Politicians promising action reminds me of my gym membership,” said Russell Howard. “Lots of initial enthusiasm, vague plans, and ultimately someone else will have to clean up the mess.”
Stakeholders Assured Their Stakes Are Being Held by Others
Business leaders attending the talks expressed satisfaction that their concerns had been heard, understood, and would be forwarded to the appropriate department once identified. “We feel genuinely listened to,” said one CEO who wished to remain nameless to preserve future contract opportunities. “They’ve really grasped the urgency of establishing a timetable for determining when urgency becomes necessary.”
Trade unions similarly praised the dialogue, interpreting the leaders’ commitment to action as validation that someone should probably do something, though not necessarily involving any changes to current arrangements. “This is exactly the kind of decisive ambiguity working people need,” announced a union representative before adding they’d be balloting members on whether to interpret this positively or negatively.
“The government solving problems is like me solving a Rubik’s cube,” said Sarah Millican. “Lots of twisting, mostly random, occasionally making things worse.”
Action Plan Involves Planning for Action Plans
Details emerging from the closed-door sessions reveal participants spent considerable time agreeing on the font size for future agreements. “We wanted something that conveyed seriousness without suggesting we’d actually read it,” confided one aide. The chosen typeface, described as “professionally non-committal,” will be used for all subsequent documentation explaining why documentation has been delayed.
Think tanks across the political spectrum have applauded the breakthrough whilst simultaneously publishing competing analyses of what it means, what it should mean, and why their version of what it means is correct. “This vindicates everything we’ve been saying,” declared multiple institutions with entirely contradictory positions. “Clearly our policy prescription is the only way forward, which is why we’re recommending further study.”
“I like how everyone agrees something must be done,” said Romesh Ranganathan. “It’s the political equivalent of ‘we should meet up sometime’ – sounds great, never happening.”
International Community Watches With Interest and Distance
Foreign observers have noted Britain’s innovative approach to collective responsibility, which apparently involves collecting responsibility into a pile and stepping away from it. “We’re taking notes,” confirmed one European diplomat. “Mostly notes about what not to do, but still notes.”
The United Nations issued a statement recognising the UK’s commitment to addressing challenges through extensive discussion about addressing challenges. “This represents important progress in progressing towards progress,” the statement read, before being withdrawn for further workshopping.
“Politicians and responsibility go together like oil and water,” said Frankie Boyle. “They’re both liquids, but that’s where the similarity ends.”
Next Steps Involve Determining What Steps Come Next
As the historic summit concluded, participants departed with renewed commitment to ensuring their commitment would be adequately communicated by their communications teams. “We’ve achieved something truly remarkable here,” reflected one senior politician, struggling to identify what. “History will judge us, though hopefully not specifically us individually.”
A follow-up meeting has been scheduled to discuss scheduling follow-up meetings. Officials confirmed the date would be announced shortly, or possibly at length, depending on which consultants are available to advise on optimal announcement timing strategies.
“This is how government works,” said Ed Byrne. “Slowly, inefficiently, and with everyone hoping someone else is taking minutes.”
Parliamentary researchers have begun compiling precedents for unprecedented situations whilst constitutional experts debate whether agreeing to disagree on who’s agreeing to what constitutes a functioning democracy. Early indications suggest it probably does, which means it probably doesn’t, which circles back to probably does.
“The best thing about political promises is they’re free,” said Milton Jones. “The second best thing is they stay free because you never have to deliver them.”
Public reaction has been characterised as “wearily unsurprised,” with polls indicating most voters expected exactly this outcome whilst somehow still being disappointed by it. “It’s impressive really,” noted one political analyst. “They’ve managed to meet low expectations whilst simultaneously lowering them further.”
“Politicians taking action is my favourite oxymoron,” said Dara Ó Briain. “Right up there with ‘military intelligence’ and ‘government efficiency.'”
In related developments, opposition parties have demanded the government take immediate action to explain why they haven’t taken immediate action, whilst carefully avoiding any suggestion they would take immediate action if given the opportunity. The resulting stalemate has been described as “constitutionally problematic” by experts who request anonymity to avoid being asked to solve constitutional problems.
“Politics is show business for ugly people,” said Jack Dee. “And this performance deserves a full refund.”
Treasury officials have allocated £47 million for impact assessments evaluating the impact of impact assessments, with projected completion dates ranging from “eventually” to “ideally never.” The funding will support an interdepartmental working group tasked with working out what groups should be working on what.
Context: This satirical piece lampoons the perennial tendency of political leaders across all parties to achieve consensus on the need for action whilst masterfully avoiding any actual responsibility for implementation. It reflects ongoing parliamentary patterns where cross-party agreement typically extends only to acknowledging problems exist, with substantive solutions perpetually deferred to committees, consultations, and convenient absences. The phenomenon of “taskforces to establish taskforces” and endless procedural delays has become a defining characteristic of modern British governance, regardless of which party holds power.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Mei Lin Chen is a student writer whose satire explores identity, modern culture, and social nuance. Her work reflects academic curiosity and engagement with London’s diverse perspectives.
Expertise is growing through study and practice, while trust is supported by clear intent and responsible humour.
